Category Archives: who am I?

365 Day Blog challenge Day 54: 31 Days of Self-Love: Day 23 #365daychallenge

What does your support system look like? How can you make it stronger?

My Mum and sister

Family in th northeast

Family in Norfolk

My friends in Leeds (practically family now)

parkrun family

I don’t think it needs to be stronger I think I just need to communicate better and reach out more. I need to be around people more often than I have been. For example on Saturday 17th February I went to parkrun to originally go for a postrun coffee but as I ended up waking early I went to the park to do some cheering and ended up volunteering and I had a fab time and was well looked after and afterwards had a great time in the coffee shop.

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365 Day Blog challenge Day 53: 31 Days of Self-Love: Day 22 #365daychallenge

What things make you feel bad, but you find yourself doing anyway?

  • Biting my nails, but that’s a subconcious thing that I fall back into once in a while.
  • Overthinking, again I tried CBT it worked for a bit but fell back into bad habits.
  • Caring what other people think about my taste in music/films/books.
  • Caring what other people think about me as a person, I want to fit in as I often feel like an odd ball.
  • Always thinking I’m only worthwhile if I’m busy doing things.” so cleaning etc instead of just flopping on the sofa
  • Putting to high expectations on myself when what I really want is a job that i can enjoy, but not knowing what I want apart from just being able to pay the bills and enjoy lifevoutside work, like cake and coffee with a friend or going to parkrun or seeing family.
  • Always doubting myself

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365 Day Blog challenge Day 52: 31 Days of Self-Love: Day 21 #365daychallenge

What is something that you are working on believing that you deserve?

A career/ or a job that I can be in for a few years that I can go in do it, enjoy my working day, and come home leaving it at work and not take it home with me. Because then it wouldn’t seem that everything is such an effort and I can stop worrying about money coming in. I mean I’ve had a few jobs where I’ve always took work home and not felt the reward. With living on my own I then have another job in a way of looking after myself and the house, cleaning it, maintaining it, and then there’s me making sure I’m fed, watered and rested enough.

I also want to work on that I can be loved for who I am, relationship wise, as much as I like my own space I would like to share it with someone again, but part of me thinks is this a belief held by others, or is it me thinking I’d be better off with company in my house and sharing it with someone rather than sticking to being on my own? I just don’t know.

However 2018 is about putting me first hence this challenge and  I need to work on myself before others can love me the way I expect to instead of seeing me ‘as just a bit of fun’ and not a long-term relationship. If I can do that perhaps I will stop sending out the wrong vibes and stop making the wrong choices. It’s a work in progress.

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365 Day Blog challenge Day 51: 31 Days of Self-Love: Day 20 #365daychallenge

How can you give yourself a break today?

(mentally, physically or emotionally)

This question/statement is such a difficult one for me but thanks to a close friend, I’ve realised from her that I need to do the following. (I’ve pinched my friend’s words for this and just made them into my own statements)

I have to put myself first

I have to learn to love yourself

I have to believe I am worth it and worth more than other people

I need to stop putting others on pedestals and put myself on one.

I need to make myself the important one.

And my favourite – Get selfish

As for my thoughts on this, I need to admit when I need help and not feel ashamed. I need to admit when my head feels scrambled and need time out for a bit. I need to start gradually getting fit again, keep topping up my vitamin D. I want to walk more and restart parkrun perhaps walking for now and then gradually building back up. But must importantly lots more rest days where I just lay on the sofa and read or watch a film and not feel guilty about it. I need to put me first.

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365 Day Blog challenge Day 50: 31 Days of Self-Love: Day 19 #365daychallenge

How are you making the world a better place?

Recycling? Not using as much heating as I’m in a back to back and sometimes it’s a waste as it just disperses after an hour and the house is cold again.

I give away unwanted goods to charity shops

If I see a homeless person on the streets of Leeds and I have spare change I’ll give it to them or buy them a hot drink.

I volunteer at parkrun when I can to allow others to achieve their goals.

I try to help friends and family when I can.

I try to let others know when I’m grateful for their help, company or anything else.

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365 Day Blog challenge Day 49: 31 Days of Self-Love: Day 18 #365daychallenge

Whats one change you can make to increase your happiness?

The other day I watched rich house poor house on channel 5. It’s about a house swap between two families, one is in the 5% poorest bracket the other is in the 5% of the richest bracket. One family survives on a budget of £160 a week the other at least £1000. What hit me was, similar to the evening with Ruby Wax’s book launch, was that we have all been lead to believe we have to be a certain size (in weight) have so many material objects, more you have or the more to show the more successful you are, that happiness is made by other people, things etc and yet it is of course I own making and everyone’s version is different.

Take for example hitting you weight goal or winning the lottery. I’ve read a book about weight recently and among these other things it all says that as soon as we achieve these goals we aren’t actually happy, we want more. Instead of settling for what we have and not being jealous of others we always want more. In recent months I have just been so grateful to keep a roof over my head. I have the cupboards stocked with food and I can at least afford the heating on for at least an hour a day even if the house is cold for the rest fo the time as it’s a back to back, and they never seem to keep warm for long. Anyway, I have been comparing my life, myself to others and wishing I was a better person, had more money, more to show for my life.

In the programme it made both families reassess their lives, on one hand running a business and living in a castle meant they had less family time and when they had this chance of time together they realised what they were missing, The same happened to the family on the budget, they were always making sure they’re two girls and themselves were able to live and yet they didn’t spend enough time as a couple and on another note the husband said something that really stuck with me. ‘Your castle is your castle no matter how big or small it is’ And he’s right, I rent yet I’ve made the house my own, granted it could do with a lick of paint, but it’s my home, I own the furniture in it, yes it can be quite cold at times, but it’s a roof over my head. And the door is always open to visitors, I just might not be the best at hosting. However the kettle is always on, and if I don’t have any food to offer we can always go get some.

So back to the question, what change could make me increase my happiness and that’s perhaps to do more things out of my comfort zone and not to worry if something may or may not go wrong. That if it doesn’t work out at least I tried. I just seem to have developed a phobia of being in crowds lately and I used to be so good. That the slightest hint of a headache or feeling too tired I just want to go and hide away from the world through embarrassment and shame. I need to try break this and go out and enjoy life.

So to achieve this I need to reassess my budget, treat myself to some new clothes, as I mainly have work/sleep/running clothes at the moment and go out and explore the world. Who’s with me?

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365 Day Blog challenge Day 47: 31 Days of Self-Love: Day 16 #365daychallenge

What is the most loving thing you’ve ever done for yourself ?

I’m actually stuck on this, but I suppose taking myself to the doctors to try sort out my periods so they’re less painful, asking for help when the depression got bad and for pushing myself to eat better when the vitamin D deficiency got really bad that it actually scared me.  For trying to get healthier last year and almost succeeding.

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365 Day Blog challenge Day 46: 31 Days of Self-Love: Day 15 #365daychallenge

What are you afraid to ask for?

What do you need to speak up about?

I’ve always been afraid to ask for help. In the last two years or so I’ve left it until breaking point and then asked for help, mainly money wise and it’s been granted. I am so lucky as I could have been up shit creek without a paddle and be wading in mud.

I think I just want someone to take the reins for a while. I don’t seem to be coping very well and going over and over the same thoughts and making the same mistakes. It’s like 2 steps forward 10 back. I’m trying to focus more on me and I feel so guilty about it. I want to be able to do more but at the moment I need to take a step back to get my strength back.

This month I’ve found being in crowds really scary. I was never like this but now I tend to freak out when too many people get too close. Perhaps what I’m trying to say is, I need a little help to get back out of the comfort zone I’ve built for myself and I’m not sure how to do it. So to my family and friends, please be patient with me while I try to find my way back and to be a stronger, fitter, happier me, as at the moment I just want to hide from the world but I can’t as there are still bills to pay and I so desperately want to go on a mini break and explore something different, and to go to Harry Potter studios at some point this year.

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