Happy Valentine’s Day everyone whether you have someone special or are single everyone deserves to enjoy the day. As for me, I planned on a pj day of doing nothing and sitting on the sofa, and perhaps reading. Instead I woke up at 10am after 12 hours of sleep, made pnackes from a ready-mix box, went for a walk, cleaned the house, did three loads of washing, fixed the lock on the gate and took the rubbish out, oh and cooked a Sunday lunch, mince and gravy, veg and yorkshire puddings.
On tv this afternoon the famous BBC Pride and Prejudice has been on and in between watching that and pottering about I have had an amazing day. I actually feel quite good about things. I’ve not felt like this in a long time. Perhaps it’s because i cleared the air with someone yesterday, or had natural vitamin d on my walk or had such a long sleep, who knows.
I have my reading mojo back, I have so far read 13 books this year and finished book club bookway ahead of schedule. It’s so good to be enjoy reading again. I just need to kick start my exercising and blogging and I’ll almost be complete, and then all the things I can’t immediately fix will fall into place.
I also have plans to fix things in the house, sort the damp out in the bathroom and fix a new blind, paint both the bathroom and bedroom with anti damp paint and as I keep moaning about it, have major declutter. But all in good time.
I hope whatever you did today was spent well and that you are happy. People put so much expectations on Valentine’s Day, just like they do at Christmas, and after all it’s just a day, and it’s what you make of it that counts.
Ah Sunday’s. Time to be quiet, to have me time, to be with friends and eating a full english breakfast, to be lying in bed for ages because you had too much too drink the night before or before the woking week was a long one.
Last week I had a chance to go to someones ‘not 40th Birthday Party’, My friend has never told anyone her birthday as She doesn’t like the fuss apparently but had a joint party with one of her friend’s who was just turning 32.
There were people from park run, her family, her friend’s friends and it was an amazing atmosphere. I stressed out all week about what to wear then asking my friend if she didn’t mind if I didn’t dress up went in my favourite t-shirt and skirt, the t-shirt saying ‘I have nothing to wear’. It got some right reactions in county durham I can tell you. Anyway I felt more comfortable in this and in a new group of people (some I knew) I think it paid off.
I learned a lot about myself that night. I realised how much Caroline’s friendship means to me, how others were grateful I was her friend and helped her out when moving. Especially her Parents who kept thanking me for looking after their little girl (hope she doesn’t kill me for mentioning that) I replied ‘I’m just as lucky to have her’. I also learned a bit about how others see me and what a special person that is and what more i need to do for myself. Like get drunk more often and relax!!!!
The next morning we hiked up to Horsforth to meet Caroline’s running friends and again another fantastic bunch. I felt normal. There are others who have thoughts and actions like me. Both at the party and in the cafe, like the other month in spiritual book club or at LBCPuffins on Wednesday night I felt like I belonged. I’ve been worried so much lately that Puffins wasn’t having enough attendance, that I was doing something wrong, but realised it was silly and life/work was getting in everyone’s way, oh to have a life of luxury and reading. But on Wednesday night when we sat down and started to talk about the book, I did get nervous about introducing it, but didn’t get a chance as the discussion just exploded, I sat back amazed and felt a feeling of pride, that I had brought these people together and was giving something back by leading this group. I can’t thank them enough for such a bizarre book meeting :).
It’s funny what can go on in your head, it really is, but I’ve come to accept this depression thing has been going on longer than I would like to think, perhaps starting back in 1999 when my friend died. I just never knew how to accept it or deal with it until 18months ago when I couldn’t take it anymore, and something had to be done. Now it’s just a long journey to recover, and rediscover me. I tried living without medication and felt like I failed, instead I realise I need that to help me while I work on the other aspects, and now I know I have a much bigger support group than I ever realised I would have, I know I can do this. I will beat this.
So thank you to everyone, to my family, friends, book group people, the furry four legged kind. You don’t know how much you help me.
So another year another anniversary. 5 years of being single. There has been brief relationships/dates that unfortunately didn’t work out and I find myself at 35 no hubby, no children and no pets. Just me in a big house with lots of books and crap.
work work work
It has only been in the past year and changing jobs 4 times and going through those different experiences that I find that I’m finally waking up as me. That I feel human again. Sounds daft I know, but a few people have mentioned it to. I have always, always tried my best to fit in. At home growing up, there was Dad in his own little world, Mum had to sometimes concentrate on Jane and I would help, but Mum always knew when I was struggling and knew I had a stubborn independent streak, but I always felt I shouldn’t be a burden, not that I was, I don’t think. Then School, I hated comprehensive, going from junior school where we all had our best friends were one big happy group and then we got separated and it was such a scary place I just didn’t fit in at all, especially after I was ill in assembly. I ended up spending most of my school days alone.
College fared better, then I left home and became independent for real. And I think that’s when it makes you think that you don’t need help or that you don’t think you should ask for it. You want to prove you can do it on your own and you don’t want to fail. Similar to when I moved into this house. Again in October it will be 5 years of me and these four walls. I’ve got what I always wanted in a sense, a home, with objects in it, where I can hide away after a long day at work, I’m just not sharing it with anyone that’s all.
“I don’t like to be labeled as lonely just because I am alone.” – Delta Burke
People think that certain goals should be reached by certain, I agree, I thought by now I would have a good career (which I do) 2 kids (don’t have) be married with a house and possibly a dog or two, but sadly I’m not, I’m single, I’m coping with depression, I work full-time and I try to maintain a home (rented), which sometimes isn’t easy. Like I’ve said before, bills aren’t halved, food shopping can be tedious, food goes to waste when you either don’t eat it quick enough or forget its there, and the fairies don’t do the washing up no matter how long you leave the dishes in the sink.
I would like to meet someone, but my heart is still holding me back after all this time, It’s not just people you want to spend the rest of your life with that can break your heart, its friends and family to, and mine seems to have locked itself away for the time being not willing to trust anyone to look after it except me, sounds daft and I can hear you all shouting get over it! move on! I have, I’m still here and living life, but if I did meet anyone they would have to deal with my love of book club and Mr Darcy/Colin Firth and an abundance of other stuff. But especially Mr Darcy – see here
So if someone you know is single, please avoid the dreaded question of ‘how’s your love life?’ because if they had one you’d be the first to know.
Well what a week. First I lose something that I love doing then I lose my job followed by all sorts of other things that make me feel like I’m back at school and my teacher telling me I’m not good enough and that I wouldn’t go far. I then go on to share something on Facebook without realising truly what offence it caused and all hell breaks loose. Silly stupid me.
Yesterday I decided to do something for me, and spent the whole day in and out of the house taking camera equipment around Leeds. I also went down the the bridge by the docks and put a few locks on with special messgaes. I would show you now but as we everything this week, my sd card reader broke and I can’t transfer the pictures across.
Yesterday I felt fine, I was buzzing completely happy, trying not to think about what is going to happen in these next few weeks and the impending doom of unemployment. Last time I went to the job centre they were completely rude and said I was over qualified and most likely not to get help. I’ve heard things from my sister to about how they treat you and I am really not looking forward to that. So today I am feeling like I’m in the pit of despair
In the meantime today is planned to be ‘sort my life out and redo CV day’ so far I have taken my camera out, made a bacon butty and tried to dig myself out of this depressing mood. So far it’s not working and I’m sat on the doorstep with my laptop writing this and moaning to the world. 😀
On the plus side I’m proud of how I pulled myself back together this week, I did feel like I had hit rock bottom again, but what good would that do. I’ve had an amazing time these last few months and there’s a smile back on my face, and I’ve been the most creative I’ve ever been in years, so I must enjoy while I can. I just need to stop getting used by negative people and try my hardest to succeed again. I would much rather someone give me a break but I don’t think that’s in my destiny or whatever you call it.
So to Sunday, let’s get the house sorted, get that set of shelving down and get job hunting. After all I do have one of the best book clubs in Leeds 😀 (Puffins)
I’ve been so busy these last few weeks sorting out an opportunity that could change my life forever if I were to get it. At the moment I’m panicking that I’ve put in all the effort but won’t get past stage one. OMG I’m on X-factor crossed with Sliding doors but without the singing. I just wish I knew which path I’ll end up on.
I was supposed to have a lazy day today but I’ve edited the radio show I do, such a laugh, I’ve had the cameras out twice (forgot to put film in the first time round) Cut the weeds down in the garden, washed up (very rarely do this) sorted out stuff for work tomorrow, scanned in my colour negatives, which were processed yesterday and I am so in love with them. Whist waiting for them I wasted time and went into a charity shop looking at books, turned round and there was a cabinet full of cameras. I saw the box brownie and nothing else, I didn’t care if it worked I just wanted to own it. I found later one of the mirrors was damaged but hey if the film still exposures I have a right little gem in my hands. (and breath)
I started watching Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire to try to get myself to sit still. I was still working away on the computer but at least it’s something. I have then sat and watched Avengers Assemble and in doing so dug out my Lego Loki keyring. I tweeted this and got told I was obsessed. My reply was ‘It’s probably why I’m still single. That and going through my computer, it dawned on me that I have been living in the same house for almost 4 years and next month I would have been single for that same time. Ouch.
In that time I’ve been to hell and back. No one can judge me on what that is as no one, no one knows what goes on behind closed doors or in someone else’s head, no matter how much you think you know them. The moment I realised that I was getting back to some kind of norm was when my sister said ‘Mum is happy, some of the old Helen is coming back’ She was right. The old Helen that enjoyed life, did take things too seriously sometimes but there was always that spark.
not broken 🙂
this is another camera in
Now I have a few regrets but I have so much going for me right now that I have to just hold this feeling of content and if things don’t work out the way I want them to, well I’ve had a blast, and I’m grateful. At least I know there are other opportunities out there I just need to grab them.
I just want to say thank you to my Mum and Sister for their support. My friend Lynn and her family. Kirsty White for absolutely everything. Niamh and the book clubbers who attend all manners of groups and world book night. South Leeds Radio for giving me the opportunity to learn to produce a programme. If I’ve forgotten someone I’m sorry. I suppose I should thank myself for not giving up. For being determined to carry on even when it got tough, or to not let people bully me again. As someone said, I was beaten these last 8 months or so now I have the chance to forget all that and start a fresh. I may not have what I want in some ways, but I’m damn lucky to have what I do now.
I wrote this, and you have to be so careful what you write and publish these days but I wanted to see if anyone else has been in the same situation and let me know your thoughts.
I’ve been working over the weekend and woke up this morning and thought it was Monday and wondered what on earth I did Sunday only to realise it was Sunday and I still have the day ahead. So I’m up and raring to go with the company of Mr Darcy.
I found this yesterday and thought it was very apt to what was going on at the moment:
‘if’ by rudyard kipling
If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don’t deal in lies,
Or being hated, don’t give way to hating,
And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise:
If you can dream – and not make dreams your master,
If you can think – and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build ’em up with worn-out tools:
If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it all on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: “Hold on!”
If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings – nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,
And – which is more – you’ll be a Man, my son!
Rudyard Kipling (1865-1936)
Kipling is said to have written the poem ‘If’ with Dr Leander Starr Jameson in mind, who led about five-hundred of his countrymen in a failed raid against the Boers, in southern Africa. The ‘Jameson Raid’ was later considered a major factor in starting the Boer War (1899-1902).