Category Archives: moaning again

Christmas should be banned

As we are about to leave august signs are slowly creeping in that the end of the year is near. Yet I hear you shout, ‘we still have 4 months to go’. Yet in retail that doesn’t matter as for the next 3 months we have to suffer from the sight of Christmas. From cards to wrapping paper, to now I head Christmas jumpers. I fear retail is judging ruining what should be a special time. Next we’ll be having it all year around. And the fact that everything we buy for that one special day, is devalued the next in the boxing day sales. After working in retail for nearly half my life, and for the past 5 years living on my own, I am now sick of the sight of Christmas decorations. I was bought a tree ad given decorations but it just seems a waste of time. People get worse with their attitude,worried that they can’t afford big and expensive present as they might receive, that they’ve left it to the last minute and you’ve ran out of what they wanted!.

The best bit it is, Halloween always gets overshadowed. Yes I know a traditional event like Christmas in most peoples eyes but in recent years I’ve found it to be more fun. I went trick or treating with a friend and their girls and then last year was involved in a Halloween event. Yet this is pushed to one side so retailers can bring in the tinsel as this is the biggest event of the year. Yet by the time it gets to this big day, every one is too knackered to care. So come on retailers, if not for the special day think of the people who work with it. Don’t spoil Christmas. Leave it until November 1st and make it a better party please.


Can I just say….

To all those people who I seem to be annoying lately because…..

  • I haven’t time to meet up
  • I’m still single and not in a relationship as most want
  • I don’t have kids
  • I’m skint
  • I may be a bit odd
  • I have a terrible memory
  • I can get tired quickly on occasions due to developing low blood pressure
  • I have a full time job
  • that i can talk utter gibberish or worry about the stupidest of things
  • I get really nervous about things when i’ve done them for years

That I’m really sorry. The reality is, I am single, more so now by choice as I can’t risk being hurt again, not at this present time.

That yes I have regrets of not being married now and having two children and a lovely house.

That I work full time as I have to pay ALL the bills and keep a roof over my head, therefore some weeks I’m flat broke and yet I still manage to go to book club and get enough money for a drink, but that to me is a necessity where possible.

That after an 8.5 hour shift, i just want to come home to peace and quiet and yes I may surf the web or read a book but that’s my time.

I live on my own and when I do get company I probably do monopolise it because I haven’t had chance to talk to someone but I hope they don’t mind, Some now accept me others use distractions

I am me, I’m starting to learn who that is, one is that I think I’ve had depression for longer than I think and in recent months i’m beginning to realise who I am and what I can and can’t do. One thing seems to be annoying people as they don’t know what is going on and don’t understand how difficult I find things sometimes.

So once again, I’m sorry for being me, sorry for trying to make time for me and not everyone else and I hope you all forgive me.

Thank you for reading.


Be aware of what you can and can’t do

Damn, that was a long-ass journey!

-Homer’s Odyssey

I’ve been sat here for 20 mins wondering how to start this post. I haven’t been on my phone or social networks until now and its been fab. instead I have been sat on the doorstep reading a book in the sunshine.  For some bizarre reason I didn’t put any socks or shoes on and spent the day wandering around the house and garden/yard in my bare feet. I did some washing, reorganised the ‘office’ and carted a office chair up the stairs. and now I’m pondering what to do.

This week I realised I had taken on too much over the last month or so, I forget how tough work can be and to take on other projects on as well took its toll this week, and on Thursday I became allergic to something, and still not sure what. I came out in a lovely red rash, which slowly disappeared to leave incredible itching all over my body making it painful for people to touch me. After a last minute doctor’s a appointment I was given piriton. hoorah! itching slowly subsiding after two days, but body is covered in red blotches, perhaps caused by scratching in my  sleep.

Today I woke up after a 12 hour sleep and still feel tired now. I even had a migraine yesterday, and not had one in years. so that was another signal to slow down. Why I got so worked up could just be from things breaking down and past experiences raising their ugly head when they had no right to be there. Not everything is my fault. That should be my mantra,  it really should.

So today the itching has died down, I’ve just felt extremely tired. I have sat outside most the day reading about happiness and nearly finished the book. I normally can’t do this. it normally takes me weeks as I can’t concentrate, but perhaps the sunshine and drinking lots of water have helped.

I’ve also realised, since last week what else I can achieve without thinking about it. Last week I went to Ikea to get another table and a chair so that I could expand the office and hopefully become more creative. I was even lucky to get another black table when Ikea said it only stocked white. A bonus.

After a trip to Scarborough later on I found myself at home alone and feeling really lonely I decided to tackle putting the chair and table together. After an hour, and a few choice words both were complete. And a week on they are still standing. However I now have 3 chairs, as an office chair was given to me on loan today. From nothing to this. It’s better than I could have imagined. I just need to clear the 12 bags and boxes sat behind me, reduced so much in the past month and we are onto a winner.

So lessons learned this week:

  • Stop getting stressed over little things
  • You can do something even when you think you can’t or it might fail soon afterwards
  • Look after no1
  • sleep/rest more
  • read more!
  • get rid of old crap that is just sitting there. let it go!
  • Forget what others think of you
  • And you’re never too old to be told off by your Mum

Thank you for reading


The bottom

The week didn’t start off to well for me. I got myself into a low mood simply because someone had been gossiping about me and I got a little overwhelmed and sunk into slow mood. Worried about how people were seeing me and that things were beginning to go wrong again like they did a few years ago I dug myself into a hole. It isn’t but my thoughts were telling me different and the signs I was picking up were completely wrong.

But that’s how it can happen. One minute perfectly fine next, you’re feeling like you’re rolling out of control down a hill and no soft landing. After a day off and time spent with a friend’s dog getting lost on a walk in the sunshine, realising how unfit I am but his much exercise does benefit I feel tons better, I just need to set a goal\plan and start running, start decluttering, start reading more and when I notice the signs of a low mood, try to exercise, write it down and figure out why it s happening after all the CBT worked I’ve just got out of practice

So just a quick short blog as off to read a book, goodnight

Thank you for reading


Hello from me to you

I haven’t blogged in a while, I’ve actually been quite busy, but I notice if I don’t write down what’s going on, on here or in a book, after a while it starts to effect me. Recently I will try to spark a conversation and find someone’s seen it on Facebook, or I may have told them a couple of days ago and forgot.

A couple of years ago before I seeked help, I led a path of destruction on social media, without realizing or knowing it, a collection of messages were kept and used against me. At one point I got really cautious and stopped posting personal stuff then things gradually built up again.

Now it feels like it’s happening again. I don’t get chance to explain myself, if I do its seen as excuses, some in fairness perhaps are, a bad habit I picked up because people didn’t want the truth. Now it’s happening again. Nothing is secret and although its keeping others informed, it makes me feel like I’m being spied on and not trusted again. Some of this is building up to how I’m feeling and I know I’m making too much of a big of a deal out of it, but I’ve come along way and still continue on working through things. The thing is I don’t live with anyone, I work full time and go to book club and see friends as much as I can, that means I generally have loads to tell people, genrally waffle but its good to chat.

At the moment I am working on building my memory back up. The pile of notebooks get bigger, the filofax is hardly from my side and now I have google calendar which is taking ages to get used to. So I might just make memory books and keep them for myself and not bother telling anyone anything as they would prefer to find it of fb or someone else.

Hello! I’m over here! Yes we all make the mistake of relying on text based messages instead of ringng. we check fb instead of texting or ringing or going round to that persons house. We don’t communicate clearly anymore and we need to.

So for now I’m disappearing of social media and concentrating on other things.

Thank you for reading


Happy 5 year anniversary to me and me

So another year another anniversary. 5 years of being single. There has been brief relationships/dates that unfortunately didn’t work out and I find myself at 35 no hubby, no children and no pets. Just me in a big house with lots of books and crap.

It has only been in the past year and changing jobs 4 times and going through those different experiences that I find that I’m finally waking up as me. That I feel human again. Sounds daft I know, but a few people have mentioned it to. I have always, always tried my best to fit in. At home growing up, there was Dad in his own little world, Mum had to sometimes concentrate on Jane and I would help, but Mum always knew when I was struggling and knew I had a stubborn independent streak, but I always felt I shouldn’t be a burden, not that I was, I don’t think. Then School, I hated comprehensive, going from junior school where we all had our best friends were one big happy group and then we got separated and it was such a scary place I just didn’t fit in at all, especially after I was ill in assembly. I ended up spending most of my school days alone.

College fared better, then I left home and became independent for real. And I think that’s when it makes you think that you don’t need help or that you don’t think you should ask for it. You want to prove you can do it on your own and you don’t want to fail. Similar to when I moved into this house. Again in October it will be 5 years of me and these four walls. I’ve got what I always wanted in a sense, a home, with objects in it, where I can hide away after a long day at work, I’m just not sharing it with anyone that’s all.

“I don’t like to be labeled as lonely just because I am alone.” – Delta Burke


People think that certain goals should be reached by certain, I agree, I thought by now I would have a good career (which I do) 2 kids (don’t have) be married with a house and possibly a dog or two, but sadly I’m not, I’m single, I’m coping with depression, I work full-time and I try to maintain a home (rented), which sometimes isn’t easy. Like I’ve said before, bills aren’t halved, food shopping can be tedious, food goes to waste when you either don’t eat it quick enough or forget its there, and the fairies don’t do the washing up no matter how long you leave the dishes in the sink.

I would like to meet someone, but my heart is still holding me back after all this time, It’s not just people you want to spend the rest of your life with that can break your heart, its friends and family to, and mine seems to have locked itself away for the time being not willing to trust anyone to look after it except me, sounds daft and I can hear you all shouting get over it! move on! I have, I’m still here and living life, but if I did meet anyone they would have to deal with my love of book club and Mr Darcy/Colin Firth and an abundance of other stuff. But especially Mr Darcy – see here

So if someone you know is single, please avoid the dreaded question of ‘how’s your love life?’ because if they had one you’d be the first to know.

Thank you for reading


A word to the wise

“It is a mistake to look too far ahead. Only one link to the chain of destiny can be handled at a time.” -Sir Winston Churchill

Goodbye April, hello May. Last week we saw World Book Night come and go. I didn’t realise how much planning goes into an event until I took this on. I have no regrets. I loved organising it and I got good feedback. Hopefully it’ll inspire people to come to book club or to read more, or both. I’m proud of what we achieved, there was books and cake and lots of chatting and a good buzz about the place. So a thank you again to all involved.
In the last few months my memory has become worse again. 4 years ago when everything changed the first thing to go was my memory, the short-term part of it, I’d go into a room and forget what I was looking for. Apparently it was stress related and was my body reacting to what was going on. A coping mechanism, but not a helpful one.
Best bit was when I put the TV remote in the sink, I must have thought it was a cup. Another time I’ve put the coffee in the fridge and the margarine in the cupboard. Lately it’s been happening again, things going missing, or moving.  For the life of me I don’t remember moving stuff. The other day I lost some clothing, only for it to turn up in a cupboard the next day. I was nearly in tears. I do my best to make notes/lists, but I either lose them or they get moved. I’ve even tried different foods, so I’m starting to think the change in medication may be the cause.
Depression and memory loss. Stress, anxiety or depression can cause forgetfulness, confusion, difficulty concentrating and other problems that disrupt daily activities. Although older people may sometimes experience memory loss it is not an inevitable part of getting older. Short-term memory loss may be prompted by a difficult time you are going through, such as bereavement, or being worried about something.  Once this period has passed, concentration and memory difficulties should also improve.
It’s really scary not being able to remember things, especially if I’m busy. I have to get the physical object and put it out in the hope it will remind me, or I keep clicking my fingers to jog my memory, people just think I’m making a tune and doesn’t always work. I’ve also struggled with reading at times. I’m finding I’m slower and slower these days or I get words mixed up. Another thing that isn’t helping is my hormone imbalance, thanks to a new pill. Supposed to sort my ‘lady pains’ and it gets changed so I’m in pain on and off and while it settles down, I’m having them silly girly moments of wanting to cry over nothing. Or getting frustrated really quickly. Thank goodness I can see the signs. I just feel like an erratic old lady at the moment screaming ‘DON’T FAIL ME NOW!’.
Have you heard of the black dog? dealing with depression?

Mine I think appeared this week as a big black shadow looming over me. Yet a day off and playing  with lego  with my friend and her sons and knowing the support is there finally sunk in last night and I finally felt better today, and silly for letting myself feel/get so low. I didn’t realise it had got to me again. I think because my memory had got so bad on Monday and trying to do too much in such a short space of time with no help got me muddled up and things went awry that it felt everything was untangling and I couldn’t do anything about it. But that was just me over thinking and not stopping and breathing and focusing on the task in hand. It’s funny that we don’t notice our breathing when stressed. It can become shorter and rapid and then your brain loses power. So you need to kick-start it again. Probably why we have mid afternoon slumps you know.

Don’t you think this year is flying by? It’s now May and there’s been talk of people buying Christmas presents already!!! I mean really, it’s only 5 months into the year and already the dread of it is rearing its ugly head. I just want to concentrate on the here and now. I have a charity walk in 3 weeks, and focusing on raising money on that, after all my energy had gone into World Book Night, now its time to do some charity work. I had wanted to do the York 10k run and raise money for another charity, but I may reconsider it and do it next year. Although I do tend to start running again soon, just need to sort my health out and feel ready to pound the streets again. I’m a different shape these days and carry more weight so feel more self-conscious about the way I run 😀

On another note, I’ve been looking at ways to save money gain more time. I’d love to have the energy to be able to do all the projects I have plus sit down for hours on end and read a book without feeling guilty. It’s just the lack of concentration and the restlessness that’s stops me doing it, I have to do it in chunks or I feel like I’m going crazy.

Spend money/time with books

Book are always going to be something different with each reader that turns its’ pages. It is a completely different experience using your imagination to put the author’s words into images in your head. Books won’t ever require you to turn them on, charge them or restart them. They are things you can pass down from generation to generation. It is a much different experience to sit somewhere, with a book in hand, with absolutely no distractions. Books are portals to explore completely different worlds with a turn of a page.

“An unfulfilled vocation drains the color from a man’s existence.” -Honoré de Balzac


Being 35 and single can be seen as you have the plague. How dare I not have someone in my life. It can be seen as a lack of achievement. Society dictates that humans should be in pairs or they are not worth knowing. Females also shouldn’t be well advanced in technology, like today I got told I’m a whizz with a computer even if I do get my words mixed up. It’s what I know, it’s what I do. It’s like mentioning book club, people think you’re weird, when actually they might like it if they tried it, but are to scared to go anywhere on their own or into a strange environment. We live in a ‘no win’ society. it’s mad.

And to those who wonder why people are single, have you stopped to think it maybe by choice? That they don’t want someone to come in and muck-up their life, or to take their valued time away? To be in a relationship, takes time, work, courage, and the ability to think as a team and understand the responsibility of taking on someone else’s emotions. And as someone said to me the other week, would a relationship enrich your life in any way, my only reply, yes to save money. Not a good answer I think. 😀 I would love to have a relationship, someone to come home to, someone to tell my days tales to, sit and watch tv, go out for walks etc, but that person to me doesn’t exist. I have been led to believe it doesn’t even when I see friends and their other halves together. I’m crazy I know, but that’s how I see it. I’ll stick to my love of Colin Firth, my love of reading, the love of my family and friends. That’s all I need for now. So when someone isn’t acting the way you think they should or they seem to be out of sorts, don’t be quick to judge, check if they’re ok. And like to day like I did with two phone calls in the space of 10 mins, give back some ‘ranting time’ and listen to others. It makes the world of difference.

2015-05-01 17.05.55

One last thing, this is how I would like to think I feel when not feeling down 😀 …….

Thank you for reading


I’m on me way

Today Is my day. My shifts keep changing around at work so I planned today to sort the house and clean it and do what I wanted. When I got up it was raining, of course its bank holiday. Then I thought even better, lets get the house sorted this morning then this afternoon can be a PJ day and I can sort the blogs and get some reading done.

I also realised I’d only have enough milk for 3 coffees and couldn’t be bothered to go out (first world problems?) I think I’ve drank too much lately, I believe my blood is now made of coffee. probably why my arm is taking a while to heal from accidentally burning my self on a tray.

I keep saying this but 2014 has been very bizarre. Funniest thing is in about two months time I will have been living on my own for four years. FOUR YEARS!!! And its took all that time to actually feel comfortable in my own skin and finally feel like its home. For the past year I have wanted to move and now I feel like I’ve settled I really don’t want to. Even if the house is too big I have everything the way I want it. But I would like to not live in a back to back. lets hope the prices don’t suddenly rocket as I love the space at the moment. (fingers crossed I don’t jinx myself)

So is anyone else having a bizarre year? Anyone treating themselves to a PJ day? If so what do you like to do?

Thank you for reading

p.s. listening to Proclaimers 500 miles


fear of washing up



One of the things about living on my own that I’ve hated  doing is washing up, oh and cleaning the toilet but mostly washing up, I let it build up and up and then have to tackle a mountain. Today, feeling sorry for myself, I thought, I need to wash up before I go to bed, But I want a bath and I can’t take it upstairs with me, so decided while the tv continued to chunter to itself I got up and did the dishes and wiped the surfaces down. It only took 10 mins and I felt so much better for it, I just don’t understand why I keep leaving it. So from now on I’m going to try keep on top of it.

Thank you for reading


Its Friday and I find myself job hunting, again

I’m feeling rather sorry for my self at the moment. I’m finding it harder to get out of bed at the moment. I really just want to hide under the covers and hope the world will just go away. I have been applying constantly for jobs, I have adapted application forms the best  I can, but either my education which is full of arty stuff goes against me or the amount of jobs I’ve done which with all that experience doesn’t count for toffee.

Today at some point I need to go out and do what the job centre call ‘speculative’ job hunting. I have also been sat watching Charmed and Murder She Wrote while trawling through websites. I have applied for a dozen coffee shop places (probably same one I’ve already applied for) and some supermarket ones.

I had an interview for a call centre the other day and apparently flexible is not what I thought it meant. I’m learning the hard way like someone advised it’s what you can do not what you can’t do as regards talents and non working hours. I just hope I don’t have to give up bookclub

On the same note, I also hate the fact that the computer is deciding my fate. Lately I keep getting this back:

‘Unfortunately, you did not meet the required benchmark at the initial screening stage for this role. We therefore regret to inform you that we won’t be taking your application any further.’


All I seem to hear is ‘computer says no’. So I’m going to have to take a different tactic and try focusing on activities rather than the education and work or a mixture of all three. I’ve perhaps not got a personal statement that has the wow factor.

So while I work through this here’s some food for thought:

‘No matter how far you have gone on the wrong road, turn back.”

It doesn’t matter how much time, money or energy you’ve already invested in the path you’ve chosen – it’s never too late to change direction.

Feeling stuck or unhappy? You can change that! Too many people believe themselves to be too ‘far gone’, too ‘old’ or even too ‘successful’ to choose a different, more joyful path for themselves. But this is never the case.

Each day and each moment is a clean slate. Forget what’s come before and don’t waste time worrying about what’s to come – it’s the HERE and NOW that’s important. 

So ask yourself – if everything leading to this moment was wiped clean, would I still want to be where I am right now? If the answer is no, you know what you have to do.

Be brave; take each day as a fresh start and do what needs to be done to make you happy NOW.’

Thank you for reading