I haven’t ‘blogged’ much this year, partly due to lack of time and partly due to paranoia because I feel I’ve not been thinking straight. The human mind is such a powerful thing. It can make you function without thinking; it can be your friend or your worst enemy. In the last few months it has felt like a constant battle with a bully.
My memory is temperamental, made worse by stress, and even more so when I think people are playing tricks on me. When I believe that they told me something only for them to deny. Or if I tell someone something, and then the story changes. I keep asking myself is it in my head? Or is this person trying to shift blame? I got into the mentality with some people like I did with my Dad, when he used to be in a mood, I would meet up with people and they have that look (I have it apparently) and warning bells go off and I sense bad mood or negativity, and somehow I repel negativity now, it’s like a bat sense. It just drives me up the wall.
One person told me I started acting strange and then said it was menopause, apparently in a joking manner but, I was so worried it could be serious and it would be my look it was and I would never be able to have children. Not much chance of that at the moment as I really don’t want to be in a relationship right now. Sorting out yourself and taking on another’s emotion is a big no at the moment.
‘Dear depression, I love you lots, we’ve been through a lot and you’ve taught me a lot but boy do you mess with my memory. Just found tea in fridge all ready to heat up. You don’t know how delighted I was. One less job to do. love Helen x’
It turns out it wasn’t the depression causing an issue but a vitamin D deficiency – aka a lack of sunlight. I had gone to the Doctor stating what was said above and also asked not to be sectioned as I felt inside I was going slightly loopy to put it blunt. Nothing was good for anyone and I just felt exhausted. To top it off all this started or appeared to start when I stopped eating ready meals and started cooking with fresh foods, it was like my body hated the healthy change. I was completely confused by the change and how low I felt. On top of this the change of weather and low blood pressure just made things worse.
Although everything has appeared to be a struggle this year, especially trying to explain myself, but it only being seen as excuses or whinging, or because people don’t understand it as they don’t have any of these issues. They have their own problems and don’t see why you can’t handle simple everyday tasks like them as it comes natural to them.
My main issue at the moment is paranoia it’s sprung up from nowhere and I’ve ended up with the bachs calms spray again. But as the Doctor said ‘I’m ONLY HUMAN’ and life can be difficult and sometimes it just throws things at you and we need a bit of help.
I hate blood tests but this time I was lucky with the nurse, and not much pain or bruising and the results came back with the all clear for diabetes and any other major issues that could have been the cause, and a simple thing of a vitamin deficiency
‘adults with low vitamin D levels – and that accounts for most of them – may lose their memories and thinking abilities faster than those with normal vitamin D levels
Low vitamin D levels were also associated with significantly more difficulty with remembering general information (semantic memory), seeing the relationship between objects (visuospatial ability) and managing overall thinking processes (executive function).’
At least now I know it’s not linked to stress or age or depression and hopefully in 3 months time we can see a huge improvement and maybe just maybe I’ll be able to remember what happened in a book or I’ll remember why I went into a room, and perhaps I might come out in a town. It’s also a good kick up the backside to get back into running, something I have really missed.
On the plus side for 2015, work is bigger and better. I’ve also learned some new life skills thanks to my friend Kirsty, by being a guinea pig for her course. I can’t thank her enough for her support and all I need to really do now is to put them into practice along with looking over the notes from CBT again and just spend some time practising and working on the vision board and making things happen.
I had my haircut in July/August, I had it cut really short, partly because I needed a change, a massive change, a way to let go of the past, I felt the hiar was so thick it was blocking my view and blocking people seeing me, and I made the right move, I love my new hair, it’s taken a while to get used to how short it is, but it’s the best thing I ever did, and by an amazing hair dresser, after so many years of not getting it right, it’s finally perfect.
The other reason, to get it cut, was that I was constantly asked if I was related to my colleague. it’s really silly I know, but in my head I’ve been struggling with so much that the only way to escape from it was to make a change. To me I am not anyone else, I’m Helen. I’ve tried to not be like my Dad, I’ve tried to do the best I can, yet I’ve always been the one in the shadows, even growing up, and when I try to be me, or try to stand out I’m being constantly compared to others. I just want people to stop. I also want people to communicate properly and to stop getting frustrated because I don’t do things their way or belittle me because ‘I’m different’
Book club is getting bigger and better, when I was just getting a bit worried everything was falling apart the one constant thing apart from friends and family has been book club, granted I’ve struggled to read the books, not because they were bad, mind you one was terrible, but because I couldn’t concentrate or I would read a large chunk of it and not take it in. I would like to thank all the book clubbers who came and who supported the groups and also to Niamh for her little book club.
To all the little people. The ones under 10, who made me feel amazing when I was around. Like my friend’s little girl Kate who has grown so much over the year, and has me in fits of giggles. I love you all.
And to my little sister who calls me at silly-o’clock and changes my accent for the day.
And finally to my Mum. Who has been my biggest supporter. I can’t wait to see you at Christmas and have your amazing food.
“When you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about.”~ Haruki Murakami, Kafka on the Shore
To end, if there are any spelling mistakes in my writing it’s because wp took out spellcheck, or have hidden it well.
One final note, I hope you all have a good Christmas and a great new year and thank you for reading my blog.