Category Archives: Family

Why am I so important?

That sounds like a big ego statement, but I promise you it’s not. In recent months I’ve been trying to figure out who I am and what I want, what I want for the next 26ish years before I may or may not retire. After recently discovering (good thing or bad, I’m still not sure) that my vitamin D deficiency will be an ongoing thing for the next 6 months at least and has been at least half of what it should be, I’ve realised I haven’t been well and definitely not myself, whoever that maybe.

At my last Doctor’s appointment with the review of the vitamin D, I told him about my forgetting and how things have improved, and the only way I could describe it is, the feeling of waking up, that I have walked,stepped out of a fog. In some cases I’m seeing what others do in me, the success of LBCPuffins and then in others I still wonder what the fuss is about.

Tomorrow I’m back at work after 5 days and I’ve got that back to school feeling you get after a week off. Simply because I’m wondering if I’m still good enough. I feel so much better, I’ve had catch-up’s with people, read books, walked dogs, topped up my vitamin D with natural sunlight, cried at Billy Elliot, food shopped and cooked from scratch. I now have a freezer full of meals and a cupboard full of essentials. My kitchen has never looked so healthy. However I still managed to put the coffee in the fridge. We can’t all be perfect :p

That’s the first sign that things of changed. The fact that there are no ready meals in the freezer, only home cooked food. The only junk food if it’s classed as that is some pack of biscuits and fizzy pop. Talking about signs on Friday and Saturday I watched some films, mainly cartoon ones, Inside Out, The Princess and the frog,  and hop, along with catching up on the tv series Sleepy Hollow where Ichabod Crane awakes in a different time, or something like that. Anyway in all these viewings, it’s about finding who we are and our places in the world.  This is true for me. Trying to look after number 1 for once and focusing on me, has been quite tricky, proven yesterday when I tried to have some me-time.

Me-time you say? but you live on your own. Yes I know that but when you’re at work and may feel lonely even when  surrounded by people, and yes that’s possible, and yes spending time with friends and family is amazing, it’s great to have company, sometimes we need that time when the house is quiet and you’re focusing on you. Now sometimes I can’t stand the quiet and yesterday after returning from a friend’s I went straight out again for a walk. This happens on occasion, I can’t stand being in the house after being surrounded by people, and if I can’t get out I clean the house or play lots of music or find a distraction. What I find funny about this is I seem to never wash-up and avoid it like the plague when I should really do it  every night.

The thing is, I really, really don’t know what I want, except a year out, a year away from retail and to recover, rediscover and enjoy the sun, even though I was so scared when my good friend said she wanted to move away I felt so selfish and didn’t encourage her, I think we all need to find what’s best for us and do it. I can’t take a year out, not yet, what I need to do is refocus and work out what I can do around work. How I can spend my free time, besides my beautiful book clubs, I need to reopen project Helen and discover the art of healing, forgiving and discovering who I truly am, not Helen the daughter, the second-mother (to my sister), the sister, the friend, but Helen the awesome, amazing person everyone keeps telling me. As I can’t see what they do, and I think it’s about time I did.

I’ll keep you updated on the progress but for now I best go and iron my uniform.

Thank you for reading

xxx

 

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Mum

Hopefully my sister will show this to my Mum.

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Thank you Mum for being my Mum. For knowing when I was trying to be strong, from knowing when I was struggling, for knowing what I could do.

Thank you for being patient, thank you for seeing through my stubbornness.

Thank you for teaching us to draw, to be creative and most of all to read. To be kind. To be helpful. Thank you for being the foundations of our family.

You are the strongest. Bravest, most patient person I know and I know I don’t tell you enough or show how much you mean to me.

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I love you mum. Hope you have. A great day. X

2015 in review

I haven’t ‘blogged’ much this year, partly due to lack of time and partly due to paranoia because I feel I’ve not been thinking straight. The human mind is such a powerful thing. It can make you function without thinking; it can be your friend or your worst enemy. In the last few months it has felt like a constant battle with a bully.

My memory is temperamental, made worse by stress, and even more so when I think people are playing tricks on me. When I believe that they told me something only for them to deny. Or if I tell someone something, and then the story changes. I keep asking myself is it in my head? Or is this person trying to shift blame? I got into the mentality with some people like I did with my Dad, when he used to be in a mood, I would meet up with people and they have that look (I have it apparently) and warning bells go off and I sense bad mood or negativity, and somehow I repel negativity now, it’s like a bat sense. It just drives me up the wall.

One person told me I started acting strange and then said it was menopause, apparently in a joking manner but, I was so worried it could be serious and it would be my look it was and I would never be able to have children. Not much chance of that at the moment as I really don’t want to be in a relationship right now. Sorting out yourself and taking on another’s emotion is a big no at the moment.

 ‘Dear depression, I love you lots, we’ve been through a lot and you’ve taught me a lot but boy do you mess with my memory. Just found tea in fridge all ready to heat up. You don’t know how delighted I was. One less job to do. love Helen x’

It turns out it wasn’t the depression causing an issue but a vitamin D deficiency – aka a lack of sunlight. I had gone to the Doctor stating what was said above and also asked not to be sectioned as I felt inside I was going slightly loopy to put it blunt. Nothing was good for anyone and I just felt exhausted. To top it off all this started or appeared to start when I stopped eating ready meals and started cooking with fresh foods, it was like my body hated the healthy change. I was completely confused by the change and how low I felt. On top of this the change of weather and low blood pressure just made things worse.

Although everything has appeared to be a struggle this year, especially trying to explain myself, but it only being seen as excuses or whinging, or because people don’t understand it as they don’t have any of these issues. They have their own problems and don’t see why you can’t handle simple everyday tasks like them as it comes natural to them.

My main issue at the moment is paranoia it’s sprung up from nowhere and I’ve ended up with the bachs calms spray again. But as the Doctor said ‘I’m ONLY HUMAN’ and life can be difficult and sometimes it just throws things at you and we need a bit of help.

I hate blood tests but this time I was lucky with the nurse, and not much pain or bruising and the results came back with the all clear for diabetes and any other major issues that could have been the cause, and a simple thing of a vitamin deficiency

‘adults with low vitamin D levels – and that accounts for most of them – may lose their memories and thinking abilities faster than those with normal vitamin D levels

Low vitamin D levels were also associated with significantly more difficulty with remembering general information (semantic memory), seeing the relationship between objects (visuospatial ability) and managing overall thinking processes (executive function).’

At least now I know it’s not linked to stress or age or depression and hopefully in 3 months time we can see a huge improvement and maybe just maybe I’ll be able to remember what happened in a book or I’ll remember why I went into a room, and perhaps I might come out in a town. It’s also a good kick up the backside to get back into running, something I have really missed.

On the plus side for 2015, work is bigger and better. I’ve also learned some new life skills thanks to my friend Kirsty, by being a guinea pig for her course. I can’t thank her enough for her support and all I need to really do now is to put them into practice along with looking over the notes from CBT again and just spend some time practising and working on the vision board and making things happen.

I had my haircut in July/August, I had it cut really short, partly because I needed a change, a massive change, a way to let go of the past, I felt the hiar was so thick it was blocking my view and blocking people seeing me, and I made the right move, I love my new hair, it’s taken a while to get used to how short it is, but it’s the best thing I ever did, and by an amazing hair dresser, after so many years of not getting it right, it’s finally perfect.

The other reason, to get it cut, was that I was constantly asked if I was related to my colleague. it’s really silly I know, but in my head I’ve been struggling with so much that the only way to escape from it was to make a change. To me I am not anyone else, I’m Helen. I’ve tried to not be like my Dad, I’ve tried to do the best I can, yet I’ve always been the one in the shadows, even growing up, and when I try to be me, or try to stand out I’m being constantly compared to others. I just want people to stop. I also want people to communicate properly and to stop getting frustrated because I don’t do things their way or belittle me because ‘I’m different’

Book club is getting bigger and better, when I was just getting a bit worried everything was falling apart the one constant thing apart from friends and family has been book club, granted I’ve struggled to read the books, not because they were bad, mind you one was terrible, but because I couldn’t concentrate or I would read a large chunk of it and not take it in. I would like to thank all the book clubbers who came and who supported the groups and also to Niamh for her little book club.

To all the little people. The ones under 10, who made me feel amazing when I was around. Like my friend’s little girl Kate who has grown so much over the year, and has me in fits of giggles. I love you all.

And to my little sister who calls me at silly-o’clock and changes my accent for the day.

And finally to my Mum. Who has been my biggest supporter. I can’t wait to see you at Christmas and have your amazing food.

“When you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about.”~ Haruki Murakami, Kafka on the Shore

To end, if there are any spelling mistakes in my writing it’s because wp took out spellcheck, or have hidden it well.

One final note, I hope you all have a good Christmas and a great new year and thank you for reading my blog.

xxx

‘Oh, I’ll get by with a little help from my friends’

It’s midweek and my day off.  A friend told me last week she had a job interview and immediately I decided to help her and make sure she had everything she needed. After last years job swapping I realised I could help. I also got another friend involved and although I got the plans mixed up, everything worked out a treat. I rearranged my office early this morning, had made endless cups of coffee and then we went off for lunch as I forgot to go and get it :).

At the weekend I went up to Hyde Park to volunteer and part of me was worried what to say after not being there for so long and whether I would fail at the task given. I didn’t and in the end I got talking to new runners who weren’t sure how park run went and got thanked later, saying they were so nervous but found everyone including me very friendly and helpful. I realised halfway through token giving that it wasn’t about me at all, it was about the event and making it possible for others do what they needed. Same with book club and world book night.

In a months time it will be 5 years of living alone and being single (on and off). It’s been in the back of mind for ages and wondering what would happen and whether I could face another year. I can and I don’t need to worry. I am in such a better place than last year and the year I moved in. Granted, I still have a lot of work to do, and yes some people find it too long to be single, but it suits me. At this moment, as much as I wanted to get married from a young age, I’ve come to the conclusion it’s not a necessity anymore, it was always about the dress and the party and I can do that anytime. I realise that now. Plus I need this time to grow. Really grow, I feel I’ve been missing for a long time and life is so busy and there’s so much I want to do that I need Hermione Granger’s  time turner.

To start the process I had a haircut. For someone who is not keen on change I decided that my hair was the one thing weighing me down and causing an issue. Nearly always in a pony tale at work, rarely does it last long being down, I decided there was no point just getting a trim. I told no one incase it couldn’t be done or I decided not to do it. But I did and I love it. It’s almost made me invisible (just like when I was young) and the amount of questions about why, and comments of ‘that’s a bit drastic!’ has been phenomenal. My sister thought I had gone on an app and sent a picture but no, I had a hair cut, that’s all.

The next stage will be to clear as much clutter from my life and continue working on my CBT so by 2016 all will have changed again and for the better. I’ve already put the picture frames back up after taking them down last year so if I can do that I can do anything. And I know I can ask for help if I need it.

I did not know its history until now but we used to sing this at junior school as part of our hymns …

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Thank you for reading

xxx

‘and asks me the question dreaded by all Singletons. So… how’s your love life?’

The line from one of my favourite films. As I realised that it is only 4 years and 4 months away from my 40th Birthday and I am not where i expected to be, I realise that I don’t need to keep punishing myself. As someone pointed out the other day it is my choice to be single. And it’s true. The reason? I just don’t want to be hurt again.

Recently i have felt like I am just waking up. Waking up to a person who still have struggles, who holds down a job, runs a house, try to have a social life, runs a book club, and last of all tries to be a good Daughter and Sister and friend to the ones I love most.

Instead in some peoples eyes (and yes I should stop listening to what others say and think) I haven’t yet made it. Why? because I haven’t dated in such a long time. All my other achievements are insignificant.

I would like a family, but at the moment, I don’t need anyone else in my life and I feel someone would become dependant on me and it wouldn’t be children. I think taking on other people’s emotions and needs is such a big job these days that the romantic nature of Elizabeth and Darcy will always be a dream. But that’s how I feel. I also believe I have so much work to do on myself, hence project Helen, that I love this time I have to myself and I want to make the most of it. What I would love most is finding the time and money to go up home more regularly and see my Mum and Sister. I just seem to have fallen into some bad habits lately and need to get back to prioritising.

Currently on FB you can see what you did a year ago, and that was working in the coffee shop, I also saw a post where I planning what I was doing this year. Oh how things change. So perhaps it’s time to plan the next 4 years and 4 months and make the most of the rest of my 30’s. I you have any ideas let me know.

In the meantime some pieces from articles found on the web.

‘Don’t feel like a failure; seize the opportunity to find yourself instead. “When you’re in a relationship it’s very hard to see yourself clearly because you’re constantly in response to your partner,” says d’Felice. Whereas when you’re single, you can take stock, learn from your mistakes and work out what you want for the future. “Particularly for women who have been conditioned to be givers rather than takers,” she adds, it’s an opportunity to put ourselves first. “This is not an act of selfishness,” she says. “It’s a very important act of selfhood.”‘ from an article here

an article on fictional singletons here

choices here

Thank you for reading

xxx

Can I just say….

To all those people who I seem to be annoying lately because…..

  • I haven’t time to meet up
  • I’m still single and not in a relationship as most want
  • I don’t have kids
  • I’m skint
  • I may be a bit odd
  • I have a terrible memory
  • I can get tired quickly on occasions due to developing low blood pressure
  • I have a full time job
  • that i can talk utter gibberish or worry about the stupidest of things
  • I get really nervous about things when i’ve done them for years

That I’m really sorry. The reality is, I am single, more so now by choice as I can’t risk being hurt again, not at this present time.

That yes I have regrets of not being married now and having two children and a lovely house.

That I work full time as I have to pay ALL the bills and keep a roof over my head, therefore some weeks I’m flat broke and yet I still manage to go to book club and get enough money for a drink, but that to me is a necessity where possible.

That after an 8.5 hour shift, i just want to come home to peace and quiet and yes I may surf the web or read a book but that’s my time.

I live on my own and when I do get company I probably do monopolise it because I haven’t had chance to talk to someone but I hope they don’t mind, Some now accept me others use distractions

I am me, I’m starting to learn who that is, one is that I think I’ve had depression for longer than I think and in recent months i’m beginning to realise who I am and what I can and can’t do. One thing seems to be annoying people as they don’t know what is going on and don’t understand how difficult I find things sometimes.

So once again, I’m sorry for being me, sorry for trying to make time for me and not everyone else and I hope you all forgive me.

Thank you for reading.

xxx

Be aware of what you can and can’t do

Damn, that was a long-ass journey!

-Homer’s Odyssey

I’ve been sat here for 20 mins wondering how to start this post. I haven’t been on my phone or social networks until now and its been fab. instead I have been sat on the doorstep reading a book in the sunshine.  For some bizarre reason I didn’t put any socks or shoes on and spent the day wandering around the house and garden/yard in my bare feet. I did some washing, reorganised the ‘office’ and carted a office chair up the stairs. and now I’m pondering what to do.

This week I realised I had taken on too much over the last month or so, I forget how tough work can be and to take on other projects on as well took its toll this week, and on Thursday I became allergic to something, and still not sure what. I came out in a lovely red rash, which slowly disappeared to leave incredible itching all over my body making it painful for people to touch me. After a last minute doctor’s a appointment I was given piriton. hoorah! itching slowly subsiding after two days, but body is covered in red blotches, perhaps caused by scratching in my  sleep.

Today I woke up after a 12 hour sleep and still feel tired now. I even had a migraine yesterday, and not had one in years. so that was another signal to slow down. Why I got so worked up could just be from things breaking down and past experiences raising their ugly head when they had no right to be there. Not everything is my fault. That should be my mantra,  it really should.

So today the itching has died down, I’ve just felt extremely tired. I have sat outside most the day reading about happiness and nearly finished the book. I normally can’t do this. it normally takes me weeks as I can’t concentrate, but perhaps the sunshine and drinking lots of water have helped.

I’ve also realised, since last week what else I can achieve without thinking about it. Last week I went to Ikea to get another table and a chair so that I could expand the office and hopefully become more creative. I was even lucky to get another black table when Ikea said it only stocked white. A bonus.

After a trip to Scarborough later on I found myself at home alone and feeling really lonely I decided to tackle putting the chair and table together. After an hour, and a few choice words both were complete. And a week on they are still standing. However I now have 3 chairs, as an office chair was given to me on loan today. From nothing to this. It’s better than I could have imagined. I just need to clear the 12 bags and boxes sat behind me, reduced so much in the past month and we are onto a winner.

So lessons learned this week:

  • Stop getting stressed over little things
  • You can do something even when you think you can’t or it might fail soon afterwards
  • Look after no1
  • sleep/rest more
  • read more!
  • get rid of old crap that is just sitting there. let it go!
  • Forget what others think of you
  • And you’re never too old to be told off by your Mum

Thank you for reading

xxx

Happy 5 year anniversary to me and me

So another year another anniversary. 5 years of being single. There has been brief relationships/dates that unfortunately didn’t work out and I find myself at 35 no hubby, no children and no pets. Just me in a big house with lots of books and crap.

It has only been in the past year and changing jobs 4 times and going through those different experiences that I find that I’m finally waking up as me. That I feel human again. Sounds daft I know, but a few people have mentioned it to. I have always, always tried my best to fit in. At home growing up, there was Dad in his own little world, Mum had to sometimes concentrate on Jane and I would help, but Mum always knew when I was struggling and knew I had a stubborn independent streak, but I always felt I shouldn’t be a burden, not that I was, I don’t think. Then School, I hated comprehensive, going from junior school where we all had our best friends were one big happy group and then we got separated and it was such a scary place I just didn’t fit in at all, especially after I was ill in assembly. I ended up spending most of my school days alone.

College fared better, then I left home and became independent for real. And I think that’s when it makes you think that you don’t need help or that you don’t think you should ask for it. You want to prove you can do it on your own and you don’t want to fail. Similar to when I moved into this house. Again in October it will be 5 years of me and these four walls. I’ve got what I always wanted in a sense, a home, with objects in it, where I can hide away after a long day at work, I’m just not sharing it with anyone that’s all.

“I don’t like to be labeled as lonely just because I am alone.” – Delta Burke

 

People think that certain goals should be reached by certain, I agree, I thought by now I would have a good career (which I do) 2 kids (don’t have) be married with a house and possibly a dog or two, but sadly I’m not, I’m single, I’m coping with depression, I work full-time and I try to maintain a home (rented), which sometimes isn’t easy. Like I’ve said before, bills aren’t halved, food shopping can be tedious, food goes to waste when you either don’t eat it quick enough or forget its there, and the fairies don’t do the washing up no matter how long you leave the dishes in the sink.

I would like to meet someone, but my heart is still holding me back after all this time, It’s not just people you want to spend the rest of your life with that can break your heart, its friends and family to, and mine seems to have locked itself away for the time being not willing to trust anyone to look after it except me, sounds daft and I can hear you all shouting get over it! move on! I have, I’m still here and living life, but if I did meet anyone they would have to deal with my love of book club and Mr Darcy/Colin Firth and an abundance of other stuff. But especially Mr Darcy – see here

So if someone you know is single, please avoid the dreaded question of ‘how’s your love life?’ because if they had one you’d be the first to know.

Thank you for reading

xxx

‘I have loved you for a thousand years’

Well what a way to end a week. completely exhausted due to work and varied shifts. Not complaining though as it does give me a bit of freedom if I can organise myself better. Gave myself a telling off and went to a friend’s party, which was bloody amazing. And got £15 unpaid redundancy money from 6 years ago. So I’m quite thankful this week

Today I’m at a friend’s house looking after his dog while He’s away and loving the fact there is a big kitchen, a garden and a very light airy living room. I’ve been out with the dog twice and have loved being out in the open space. Who’d have thought there would be so much green area in a large city. I feel like i’m noticing things more.

I’ve also eaten a load of chocolate mini rolls, think the hormones have kicked in today, and about to eat a large pizza. Really need to rethink my diet. Plus there’s loads of food in my freezer that needs eating. It’s just finding the motivation to cook it. Being on your own can sometimes mean not bothering to cook or clean or even iron. I don’t iron. I used to then someone broke it out of me and now I rarely do.

I’ve been able to read today. I have just sat on the sofa, telly on in the background, dog laid down the side of the sofa and its been so good. I’ve been reading a teenagers guide to stress and I realised i am actually doing the things it says in the book to cope and wished I had had this when I was younger.  I could talk to my Mum, but I wish I was able to find someone else to talk to. I used to bottle it up and then it would all come tumbling out. I still do this sometimes. Mostly in the last couple of years, when I’ve felt like something screaming inside wanting to be heard but not sure how to go about it.

If you’ve read my blog before you’ll know I’ve had issues with certain people of the male variety. One being my Dad, I get so angry when i think about how he used to treat me and how others picked up on this and went the same route. I would always been blamed for something or other and I didn’t need to be in the room. I always felt worthless. I always felt the need to be strong to be hidden, to not make a sound to not cause trouble. My sister went through a period of being ill, no fault of her own, but it would, mean emergency trips to hospital and once or twice I was left alone. My dad for ages wouldn’t go with mum to the doctors or hospital when Jane was ill, but this one time she was really bad and he insisted on going and I just shouted, both go I’ll be ok, and when they had gone I sat on the floor with our dog Keegan and cried (miss him so much, he was our first dog.)

I went to a friend’s yesterday after work, She had planned a party and I went to her last one and it was amazing, met some amazing people and it led to me going to Park Run in Hyde Park where i met even more amazing people and got me back into photography.

I had said during the week when feeling terrible after a 7 hour shift that I wasn’t going to make it but then I saw her in town and i thought i must go. I will only end up sitting on my own at home and what’s the point of that. I’m so glad I did as I went straight from work and got to spend some time with her. We had a good catch up before everyone came and she said, like my Mum that I need to see in myself what others do, how much I can do, what I do for others and what a fab person I am. So that’s my mission. This is my set of goals for next 5 years:

*Spend as much time with friends and family

* Own a car

*Own a house, it must be a lighter house and have a small garden to sit in at the end of a long day

*move house by june next year (rented)

* Run. Possibly do another York 10k

* Spread the word about book club

I know most are material things but I need somewhere that I can chill in on my day off. I really don’t fancy going back into town when I’ve had a busy working week. I just want to lounge about and read books, or clean the house or sort out stuff for book club or learn something new.

So that’s me. I’m starting to feel comfortable in my own skin. What I need to do is to find time for me half an hour a day to reflect on me and who I am and the positive things that are going on right now and what other things that need sorting and when. And to remember to continue my techniques when I get stressed to concentrate on my breathing and if chance to clean, as one day I will run again and that will sort all that out.

Thank you for reading xxx

You know what thought did? ….

“He followed a muck cart and thought it was a wedding”.

“Assumptions are dangerous things to make, and like all dangerous things to make — bombs, for instance, or strawberry shortcake — if you make even the tiniest mistake you can find yourself in terrible trouble. Making assumptions simply means believing things are a certain way with little or no evidence that shows you are correct, and you can see at once how this can lead to terrible trouble. For instance, one morning you might wake up and make the assumption that your bed was in the same place that it always was, even though you would have no real evidence that this was so. But when you got out of your bed, you might discover that it had floated out to sea, and now you would be in terrible trouble all because of the incorrect assumption that you’d made. You can see that it is better not to make too many assumptions, particularly in the morning.”

― Lemony Snicket, The Austere Academy

“You should never assume. You know what happens when you assume. You make an ass out of you and me because that’s how it’s spelled.”

― Ellen DeGeneres

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Just got Murder She Wrote on in the background and find myself saying out loud ‘He’s dead next’. Yesterday my phone goes off with the Penfold sound saying ‘Crumbs what do we do next chief’ and I turned round and said ‘I don’t know’

Sorry I’ve started off on a ramble. I’ve felt like that most the day, nerves building up for telephone interviews and realising how tight things are about to become and how the phrase ‘I’m climbing the walls being in all this time’ I need to get out and work off some of that excess energy. Hence the reason for walking in and out of Leeds today even though the climb back almost killed me.

I’ve been cramming as much information as possible in to try to do my best at interviews but to be honest I’m doing really badly. Or at least it feels that way. Its like you’re applying to be the Queen/King and everything I’m applying for wants to know everything but your knicker size and then making me feel like I’m back at school waiting to be picked in a game of rounders during P.E. but always being the last as I wasn’t a good runner and couldn’t bat the ball never mind catch it. I’d always be the one who ran out to the field as a fielder so I didn’t need to catch it. Although I have never been interrogated about anything I do feel like I’m being penalized for being unemployed and nervous. ‘Why should we pick you Miss Carr?’ ‘You do know we are a massive company and I’m reading a cue card to do this interview and talk to you like you were 5, now tell me why you want to work for us.’

I just want to be given a break and for someone to recognise what I can do for people. I know its down to how I promote myself because if I don’t tell them they won’t know. Never assume.

Like my sister says I need to be back in work to be around other people. I live on my own and I’ve realised recently (others probably have seen it already) How I suddenly can get verbal diarrhea when I see someone and everything comes out at once and with the way I talk so fast and get my stories mixed up as I forget pieces. My Uncle accidentally rang me and felt he couldn’t talk as I was busy, he lives on his own to and said how the fact you see some of your friends and family and can’t stop talking but I haven’t talked to him in a long time and tried to reassure him but I don’t think it worked, I need to talk more to my family, I tend to avoid it, because I don’t want to let them know I’m not doing well or afraid I’ve let them down in some way, I do that with a lot of my family, I tend to fb, email or text them to avoid them hearing the tone in my voice,  I never really talk and I should.

Oh and my biggest gripe of the day, bloody cyclists riding on paths and not letting people know and I nearly got knocked over twice and then the other which is women’s fashion,  I got an interview next week and thought I better go find a suit, and guess what? it’s the wrong bloody time of the year, it’s summer so we all need bikinis and t-shirts and wrap around dresses worn with luminous neon coloured sandals. Grrrrrrrr! To be fair I tried three shops and ended up just walking back home as I couldn’t bear the thought of parting with money I don’t have, but I’ll try again on Friday as I do need something. Part of me just wanted to go home and hide under the cushions. I thought it was time to have a break and not do anything regarding information gathering or reading. So I wanted to just write everything down and empty my head.

‘it was in the studio with the trophy and the white glove was under the plant’

On the way back I forgot I needed milk for coffee, it helps me think, but I realised how much I had been drinking by the amount of cups needed to be washed up. I have a vast collection for someone on their own. I seem to have 15. Not sure why and each one has a meaning . Perhaps I should have a coffee party. Like Alice in Wonderland but with coffee. I have tea but I’m not very good at making tea, people tend to drink it just to be nice and I love them for it.

I popped into the library to see if there was a book for a challenge I was doing last year, I returned another and found my reservation for book club was ready, so I thought I’ll check if this book is here then go ask the librarian for the reserved one, as I got around the corner the lovely lady had it ready and I hadn’t even asked she recognized me, she said its good to see people borrowing books rather than using the computers, I thought that was very sad. The one in Holbeck closed and is now a post office with no sign of it ever being a library. It’s so sad. A post about it here http://wp.me/p1dT4g-72

Anyway enough of the babbling &  rambling, I have been so pleased at how I have dealt with things lately and thought ‘I can do this’ then one little thing ( a rude interviewer who quite clearly couldn’t be bothered) just sent me on a dip. That’s when I decided I needed to get out the house and just get some fresh air. I need to sit down and write out everything. What bills are due what money I have what I need to do to support myself, how the job centre can help. All these things I want to do in the future like move house (although I finally feel settled) Get a car, buy a whole new wardrobe and most of all go out partying!!!!!

I’ve done the positive thinking thing, I’ve done the breathing techniques and its just ended up being me saying ‘take it day by day’ and then PANIC! I don’t know what to believe anymore. I just know I love what I’m doing with bookclub, I love I have my passion for photography back, I just want to get out there and do more. Jump in the car and do/go wherever I want. Lets hope I can do it,

Thank you for reading

xxx

p.s. If you have toothache and are not registered with the dentist be prepared for a two month wait, I tried three today and they said I could register but to get in there would be a two – three month wait. I hope the toothache goes away soon. 😦