Category Archives: Dreams

Run Helen Run: 2017

Well, I did it. I managed to kick myself out the house and do about 24 minutes of exercise. I decided yesterday, today would be the day I would start getting back into running. I sat and planned the days I would run and then I downloaded an app. It was couch to 5k. What I didn’t realise was that it was actually a podcast and it had the voice of Jo Whiley instructing you on how long to walk for and how long to run for. She has such a soothing voice. So I went to the local park and started walking. I did a five minute brisk walk and then 60 seconds run, this alternated between that and 90 seconds break with a brisk walk. In total I did 8 minutes running and also got to take in some amazing views. The sun was creating some amazing affects through the trees

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The one thing I forgot about the park was that its on a giant slope. So when it came to a few of the runs it was on the incline. But someone how I talked myself into going slow and somehow got to the top. Yes it was cold, and I forgot my knee support, again and yes I perhaps should have wrapped up a bit better but I enjoyed it. I can’t wait to do the next session. perhaps join in a few parkruns, but we shall see. It’s a start.

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I’m also trying to follow the lead of others and charging myself everytime I’m out. I was thinking 50p for every 20 minutes. I do so much emotional spending on silly things when really if I tried doing this I get time to think and time to try work things out. I could save loads of money and put it towards the running events or new running gear. However it maybe a few IOU’s to start with but we’ll see how we go, but if next time I fancy a pasty or junk food I will try to think twice and put the money in the jar.

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Amazing what you can do with a jar from IKEA and some sharpie pens

If anyone has any tips please let me know.

Thank you for reading.

xxx

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Well I never

So I’m trying to make myself feel better, mentally and physically by getting back into exercise with the goal being the Leeds 10k. Not fussed on getting a PB just want to do it as a goal and raise awareness of Cystic Fibrosis.

Then over the weekend I put on FB about one day doing the Great North Run. A post popped up and i had a look. Not thinking I would get in, I filled out a form on Sunday and by Tuesday 2am (I was wide awake from insomnia) I got an email saying. Congratulations you’re in. EEKS

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I think it’s an amazing opportunity. I mainly entered for the scenery and whether i walk/run it its an experience, and at the moment i definitely feel life is to short. So 2016 is about raising awareness of Cystic Fibrosis, remembering a good friend and getting fit and healthy.

Wish me Luck

You can sponsor me for the leeds 10k by following the link below. Every little but counts.

Find out more here: #thereasonIrun  

Thank you for reading

xxx

Why am I so important?

That sounds like a big ego statement, but I promise you it’s not. In recent months I’ve been trying to figure out who I am and what I want, what I want for the next 26ish years before I may or may not retire. After recently discovering (good thing or bad, I’m still not sure) that my vitamin D deficiency will be an ongoing thing for the next 6 months at least and has been at least half of what it should be, I’ve realised I haven’t been well and definitely not myself, whoever that maybe.

At my last Doctor’s appointment with the review of the vitamin D, I told him about my forgetting and how things have improved, and the only way I could describe it is, the feeling of waking up, that I have walked,stepped out of a fog. In some cases I’m seeing what others do in me, the success of LBCPuffins and then in others I still wonder what the fuss is about.

Tomorrow I’m back at work after 5 days and I’ve got that back to school feeling you get after a week off. Simply because I’m wondering if I’m still good enough. I feel so much better, I’ve had catch-up’s with people, read books, walked dogs, topped up my vitamin D with natural sunlight, cried at Billy Elliot, food shopped and cooked from scratch. I now have a freezer full of meals and a cupboard full of essentials. My kitchen has never looked so healthy. However I still managed to put the coffee in the fridge. We can’t all be perfect :p

That’s the first sign that things of changed. The fact that there are no ready meals in the freezer, only home cooked food. The only junk food if it’s classed as that is some pack of biscuits and fizzy pop. Talking about signs on Friday and Saturday I watched some films, mainly cartoon ones, Inside Out, The Princess and the frog,  and hop, along with catching up on the tv series Sleepy Hollow where Ichabod Crane awakes in a different time, or something like that. Anyway in all these viewings, it’s about finding who we are and our places in the world.  This is true for me. Trying to look after number 1 for once and focusing on me, has been quite tricky, proven yesterday when I tried to have some me-time.

Me-time you say? but you live on your own. Yes I know that but when you’re at work and may feel lonely even when  surrounded by people, and yes that’s possible, and yes spending time with friends and family is amazing, it’s great to have company, sometimes we need that time when the house is quiet and you’re focusing on you. Now sometimes I can’t stand the quiet and yesterday after returning from a friend’s I went straight out again for a walk. This happens on occasion, I can’t stand being in the house after being surrounded by people, and if I can’t get out I clean the house or play lots of music or find a distraction. What I find funny about this is I seem to never wash-up and avoid it like the plague when I should really do it  every night.

The thing is, I really, really don’t know what I want, except a year out, a year away from retail and to recover, rediscover and enjoy the sun, even though I was so scared when my good friend said she wanted to move away I felt so selfish and didn’t encourage her, I think we all need to find what’s best for us and do it. I can’t take a year out, not yet, what I need to do is refocus and work out what I can do around work. How I can spend my free time, besides my beautiful book clubs, I need to reopen project Helen and discover the art of healing, forgiving and discovering who I truly am, not Helen the daughter, the second-mother (to my sister), the sister, the friend, but Helen the awesome, amazing person everyone keeps telling me. As I can’t see what they do, and I think it’s about time I did.

I’ll keep you updated on the progress but for now I best go and iron my uniform.

Thank you for reading

xxx

 

Me

I’ve just finished a book called ‘sorted! The good psychopath’s guide to bossing your life’ by Dr Kevin Dutton and Andy McNab, another self help book, one I found by accident while looking at ways to improve things at work and in my life in general. its a fab quick read with lots of tips and a personality questionnaire and I’ve done it and I think its spot on, here’s the results:

Neuroticism: You are tense,anxious,highly strung and insecure…..at the best of times!!!

Extroversion: You are moderately outgoing and appreciate both time alone and social activities.

Openness to experience :  You tend to favour a balance of old and new ways.

Agreeableness: You are generally kind and affable but at times can be sceptical and uncompromising

Conscientiousness: There is some degree of method in your madness!!!! You generally work to achieve goals but also maintain a good work life balance.

And I love at the end how it says: ‘….however, give you some idea about what makes you unique in your ways of thinking feeling and interacting with others.’

Love it!!!

And the funniest bit… I scored average in all subjects bar neuroticism where I scored high. Wonder what it’s trying to tell me :p

Thank you for reading

Xxx

Happy Valentine’s Day 2016

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Happy Valentine’s Day everyone whether you have someone special or are single everyone deserves to enjoy the day. As for me, I planned on a pj day of doing nothing and sitting on the sofa, and perhaps reading. Instead I woke up at 10am after 12 hours of sleep, made pnackes from a ready-mix box, went for a walk, cleaned the house, did three loads of washing, fixed the lock on the gate and took the rubbish out, oh and cooked a Sunday lunch, mince and gravy, veg and yorkshire puddings.

On tv this afternoon the famous BBC Pride and Prejudice has been on and in between watching that and pottering about I have had an amazing day. I actually feel quite good about things. I’ve not felt like this in a long time. Perhaps it’s because i cleared the air with someone yesterday, or had natural vitamin d on my walk or had such a long sleep, who knows.

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I have my reading mojo back, I have so far read 13 books this year and finished book club bookway ahead of schedule. It’s so good to be enjoy reading again. I just need to kick start my exercising and blogging and I’ll almost be complete, and then all the things I can’t immediately fix will fall into place.

I also have plans to fix things in the house, sort the damp out in the bathroom and fix a new blind, paint both the bathroom and bedroom with anti damp paint and as I keep moaning about it, have  major declutter. But all in good time.

I hope whatever you did today was spent well and that you are happy. People put so much expectations on Valentine’s Day, just like they do at Christmas, and after all it’s just a day, and it’s what you make of it that counts.

Thank you for reading

xxx

 

Can I just say….

To all those people who I seem to be annoying lately because…..

  • I haven’t time to meet up
  • I’m still single and not in a relationship as most want
  • I don’t have kids
  • I’m skint
  • I may be a bit odd
  • I have a terrible memory
  • I can get tired quickly on occasions due to developing low blood pressure
  • I have a full time job
  • that i can talk utter gibberish or worry about the stupidest of things
  • I get really nervous about things when i’ve done them for years

That I’m really sorry. The reality is, I am single, more so now by choice as I can’t risk being hurt again, not at this present time.

That yes I have regrets of not being married now and having two children and a lovely house.

That I work full time as I have to pay ALL the bills and keep a roof over my head, therefore some weeks I’m flat broke and yet I still manage to go to book club and get enough money for a drink, but that to me is a necessity where possible.

That after an 8.5 hour shift, i just want to come home to peace and quiet and yes I may surf the web or read a book but that’s my time.

I live on my own and when I do get company I probably do monopolise it because I haven’t had chance to talk to someone but I hope they don’t mind, Some now accept me others use distractions

I am me, I’m starting to learn who that is, one is that I think I’ve had depression for longer than I think and in recent months i’m beginning to realise who I am and what I can and can’t do. One thing seems to be annoying people as they don’t know what is going on and don’t understand how difficult I find things sometimes.

So once again, I’m sorry for being me, sorry for trying to make time for me and not everyone else and I hope you all forgive me.

Thank you for reading.

xxx

Be aware of what you can and can’t do

Damn, that was a long-ass journey!

-Homer’s Odyssey

I’ve been sat here for 20 mins wondering how to start this post. I haven’t been on my phone or social networks until now and its been fab. instead I have been sat on the doorstep reading a book in the sunshine.  For some bizarre reason I didn’t put any socks or shoes on and spent the day wandering around the house and garden/yard in my bare feet. I did some washing, reorganised the ‘office’ and carted a office chair up the stairs. and now I’m pondering what to do.

This week I realised I had taken on too much over the last month or so, I forget how tough work can be and to take on other projects on as well took its toll this week, and on Thursday I became allergic to something, and still not sure what. I came out in a lovely red rash, which slowly disappeared to leave incredible itching all over my body making it painful for people to touch me. After a last minute doctor’s a appointment I was given piriton. hoorah! itching slowly subsiding after two days, but body is covered in red blotches, perhaps caused by scratching in my  sleep.

Today I woke up after a 12 hour sleep and still feel tired now. I even had a migraine yesterday, and not had one in years. so that was another signal to slow down. Why I got so worked up could just be from things breaking down and past experiences raising their ugly head when they had no right to be there. Not everything is my fault. That should be my mantra,  it really should.

So today the itching has died down, I’ve just felt extremely tired. I have sat outside most the day reading about happiness and nearly finished the book. I normally can’t do this. it normally takes me weeks as I can’t concentrate, but perhaps the sunshine and drinking lots of water have helped.

I’ve also realised, since last week what else I can achieve without thinking about it. Last week I went to Ikea to get another table and a chair so that I could expand the office and hopefully become more creative. I was even lucky to get another black table when Ikea said it only stocked white. A bonus.

After a trip to Scarborough later on I found myself at home alone and feeling really lonely I decided to tackle putting the chair and table together. After an hour, and a few choice words both were complete. And a week on they are still standing. However I now have 3 chairs, as an office chair was given to me on loan today. From nothing to this. It’s better than I could have imagined. I just need to clear the 12 bags and boxes sat behind me, reduced so much in the past month and we are onto a winner.

So lessons learned this week:

  • Stop getting stressed over little things
  • You can do something even when you think you can’t or it might fail soon afterwards
  • Look after no1
  • sleep/rest more
  • read more!
  • get rid of old crap that is just sitting there. let it go!
  • Forget what others think of you
  • And you’re never too old to be told off by your Mum

Thank you for reading

xxx

It’s all about me

Today I decided I needed to sort myself out, spend some time with me. I woke up at 6am and stayed in bed until 9:30 drifting in and out of sleep. I had recently bought an offer for swimming sessions and decided today would be the day I go try and swim. I managed about half an hour of trying to do a mixture of front and back stroke  and not sinking. I found I couldn’t swim to much on my front as it hurt my back but that’s something to work on.

I then came home, dropped stuff off to go to the library to pick up a reserved book and before I got through the door the librarian was getting it out the cupboard for me. After that it was a coffee at home a quick shower, before the first load of washing on and then to tackle the attic. I have cleared loads out from the house today and given it a good clean. Cleaning is my therapy and hopefully, I will get stronger at swimming and then I can think about running again as my knee will be stronger and I won’t feel so unfit or fat.

So today I have got loads done i just need to finish off with a soak in the tub as everything is now aching. I advise everyone to take a day out and do what you need to do and not because you have to.

Thank you for reading

xxx

Happy 5 year anniversary to me and me

So another year another anniversary. 5 years of being single. There has been brief relationships/dates that unfortunately didn’t work out and I find myself at 35 no hubby, no children and no pets. Just me in a big house with lots of books and crap.

It has only been in the past year and changing jobs 4 times and going through those different experiences that I find that I’m finally waking up as me. That I feel human again. Sounds daft I know, but a few people have mentioned it to. I have always, always tried my best to fit in. At home growing up, there was Dad in his own little world, Mum had to sometimes concentrate on Jane and I would help, but Mum always knew when I was struggling and knew I had a stubborn independent streak, but I always felt I shouldn’t be a burden, not that I was, I don’t think. Then School, I hated comprehensive, going from junior school where we all had our best friends were one big happy group and then we got separated and it was such a scary place I just didn’t fit in at all, especially after I was ill in assembly. I ended up spending most of my school days alone.

College fared better, then I left home and became independent for real. And I think that’s when it makes you think that you don’t need help or that you don’t think you should ask for it. You want to prove you can do it on your own and you don’t want to fail. Similar to when I moved into this house. Again in October it will be 5 years of me and these four walls. I’ve got what I always wanted in a sense, a home, with objects in it, where I can hide away after a long day at work, I’m just not sharing it with anyone that’s all.

“I don’t like to be labeled as lonely just because I am alone.” – Delta Burke

 

People think that certain goals should be reached by certain, I agree, I thought by now I would have a good career (which I do) 2 kids (don’t have) be married with a house and possibly a dog or two, but sadly I’m not, I’m single, I’m coping with depression, I work full-time and I try to maintain a home (rented), which sometimes isn’t easy. Like I’ve said before, bills aren’t halved, food shopping can be tedious, food goes to waste when you either don’t eat it quick enough or forget its there, and the fairies don’t do the washing up no matter how long you leave the dishes in the sink.

I would like to meet someone, but my heart is still holding me back after all this time, It’s not just people you want to spend the rest of your life with that can break your heart, its friends and family to, and mine seems to have locked itself away for the time being not willing to trust anyone to look after it except me, sounds daft and I can hear you all shouting get over it! move on! I have, I’m still here and living life, but if I did meet anyone they would have to deal with my love of book club and Mr Darcy/Colin Firth and an abundance of other stuff. But especially Mr Darcy – see here

So if someone you know is single, please avoid the dreaded question of ‘how’s your love life?’ because if they had one you’d be the first to know.

Thank you for reading

xxx

living the dream

It’s book club day and I’ve finished the book. I nearly gave up on it like so many times in the past year, either because of leaving it to late and feeling the pressure to get it finished or not liking it, or both. today I had over half the book to finish and I ploughed through it,in-between rearranging the living room. I’m glad I did as it’s not  something I’d think to pick even though I have always had a slight interest in the Greek myths partly because of my name and also because I also like stories myths.
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after seeing a friend’s tweet I realise that there won’t be a bookclub for a whole 10 days!!!! What will I do???? I know catch up on all the work I had to do like researching social media and business and designing logos and leaflets and read the comics we borrowed from OK Comics, as usual anything Kirsty and I set to read I always find myself behind. :D. But a week without book club just doesn’t seem right after the initial burst of 2015. The
start of the year is always strange. we get over Christmas the massive rush, the stress it brings, to then go into a month that is the leftovers, no money,tired and then there is the weather. It’s hard to keep motivated. this year is different for me it’s more a case of finding the time to do everything, I am so excited about the projects I have going on and being able to create things. I’m buzzing with things I can create and find my self getting more excited about the littlest of things. I feel like I’m finally beginning to live.

Thank you for reading
xxxx