365 Day Blog challenge Day 40: 31 Days of Self-Love: Day 9 #365daychallenge

What’s something in your life that you need to get rid of?

There’s a few actually

Negativity. I’ve been trying for several years now to change the way I think but then something happens and I fall back into old ways. I’m now getting to the point that I’m just exhausted all the time, that and the medication isn’t helping.

Honesty I find it very hard to lie or deceive others, yet get angry when I get betrayed but, I can’t really lie and if I do I feel guilty. Because I was always stepping on eggshells with my Dad I always feel that I should be truthful otherwise something terrible will happen.

Trusting I trust people too quickly, and believe everything people tell me without putting it through a filter or before I really know someone, yet this is what always seems to trip me up.

But most of all, living in the past and repeating the same things over and over again. For some reason I can’t love in the present and I fear the future.

This blog is more poignant after a tough week where I kept getting told to ‘cheer up’ others have similar problems and cope. Yet there’s little old me, just wandering around in a fog not sure what I am meant to be doing, who I’m meant to be and sometimes wondering what’s the point of it all. I mean we go to work to pay the bills etc, we’re told to be adults and get on with it but no one ever really taught us to be ‘an adult’ We’re all just lost finding our own ways. And in some cases, through media i.e. magazines and films we have high expectations of ourselves and then there’s social media, how we constantly update our daily lives. Yet we don’t show the bad times as much as the good times. I don’t think we know how to express it on social media as well as we should. It takes a lot of effort to tell someone how crap your feeling and I made a vow to myself that this year I have to be honest when I’m feeling shit and tell others and ask for help when needed.  It’s just a shame I can’t afford a cook and a cleaner then I wouldn’t have to make sure I had things ready and available all the time, basically I want someone to look after me for a while as I’ve had enough of doing it all myself.

For example, I went for a food shop Saturday, but forgot the bananas, I then went yesterday morning after I couldn’t be bothered the night before and ended up getting more than I should but now my fridge is lovely and healthy,  saying that an hour later I went to the cafe and got a sausage and tomato sandwich so that was a fail, but my body was craving it and I hadn’t had one all week. But at least now I can plan meals a bit better and I am now stocked up on tin tomatoes for at least another week or so. I just need to make a meal plan and work out when I am going to cook or get things ready.

So for today I had ham and potato salad for lunch as I made too much yesterday. I also had plenty of fruit on me as I’ve managed to cut down on chocolate, just a penguin biscuit a day so far as I have loads of them, given in a biscuit barrel as a Christmas present and then I went a bought a 24 pack just to carry on with the jokes. What I am proud of is my water intake although yesterday I didn’t do to well, at work I’ve managed to drink at least 4-6 75cl bottles a day, almost 2-3 litres of water (I think). I don’t know if it’s standing around in the cold that’s making me more thirsty or the talking, but I’ve never noticed the need for water as much as I have done recently. I have stopped caffeine or at least cut down and now only have two small cups of decaf coffee a day. I think I relied on it too much last year and my body just couldn’t cope. So now it’s like having a detox but also listening to my body, but for some reason I don’t crave chocolate as much. I’ll wait for the hormones to kick in and see what happens then.

It’s strange though as when I started trying to swap junk food to healthy food my body originally objected, now it’s the other way round and sometimes just the smell puts me off. I’m not sure what’s happened. I still love cake but can’t eat as much of it or I have to be aware of what time of day I eat it otherwise I can be awake for hours. The mind and the body are strange and wonderful things. I don’t think I’ll ever work mine out but I do know now to keep watering it and feeding it little and often rather than bigger portions like I did before.  Now I just need to work on my brain and thinking, but I have noticed it’s also down to what you eat as well. Wish me luck.

Thank you for reading



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