Day 27: Building and breaking down walls
Some of the side effects of mental health conditions
> Eating or sleeping too much or too little
> Pulling away from people and usual activities
> Having low or no energy
> Feeling numb or like nothing matters
> Having unexplained aches and pains
> Feeling helpless or hopeless
> Smoking, drinking, or using drugs more than usual
And what happens when the cracks begin to appear? What happens if you don’t notice them until it’s too late? These are some of the things I never noticed until it happened to me. I’ve always had some sort of barrier up. I’ve always tried to protect myself from being hurt and that’s perhaps why I’m still single. It’s also why I keep attracting the wrong type of people and because I keep going from pillar to post in other areas in my life as I don’t learn when to be off guard and when to be on. Plus I’m sending out the wrong signals and that’s how I’ve ended up where I am today, along with not putting myself first, ever!
I felt I was always in the shadows with my siblings. I also felt I was never as good as them. My brother was a fantastic artist, My Dad thought the world of him, and although he never lived with us I was constantly living in his shadow, I never felt good enough for my dad and I only wanted his love and support. My sister is the brains of the three. Especially when she helped me with deciphering Karl Marx’s Capitalism for a dissertation and helped me gain a distinction.
Going through school I never had many friends and when it came to the multiple subjects, I struggled. I spent most my time at school alone, not feeling strong enough to mingle and constantly in the library on breaks trying to understand the work set in classes. When I left school I was so relieved as I was able to go on art and design courses meaning I could do something I enjoyed. I never thought I was good at anything really. I found a love of photography and then I had a chance to do a course and leave home and I did. Since the age of 19 I think I’ve been trying to find a place for myself, a role. I always thought I would be a mother, with a house, a car and a few animals. I always thought the only thing I would be good at was a parent as I would be better than my Dad. However I think the walls I built to protect myself, from my Dad, at school from bullies, from myself, because I made myself believe no one would ever like me for me, and from getting hurt by anyone, blocked me from ever finding that and that’s why in recent months I have felt so lost. I simply do not know what I want from life or what I want to do career wise. I wonder if I ever will, or whether I’ll just carry on bouncing from pillar to pillar until I come to a stop again. But on Thursday is a start of a new month, And never to late to learn. I just got to stop spinning in circles, look at what I can change and remember to take it slowly once in a while.
Thank you for reading