Let it go

I find myself sitting upstairs in the attic typing away wondering what to say. Today was the final day of a job I’ve loved for so long. This time was an end of a short stint and moving onto something entirely different. I was fine during the day. Then I got home found cards from Mum and Jane and burst into tears. Another chapter closed.

I do wonder how many chapters my book would have or whether it would be mini series. Hark at me as if I’m something special :p

There’s the negative father series: where the brother is always the hero. Where the stubborn independent young eldest female child only wanted her father’s love but instead was told she was to hard to love.

There’s the love series: where the heroine just wants to be loved but keeps picking the wrong types. The first boyfriend , only 13 left her because he didn’t get attention. The next one fancied her best friend. The one that got away due to the girl having personal problems. Then the one who wouldn’t share a bed after uni and ran off with someone 10 years younger. After that it was hard to trust anyone and apparently made the girl hard to love to.

The sibling years: Not living with our brother we were always in awe of his visits getting him to draw or play football with us until Dad decided to leave then he wanted nothing to do with us. My sister and I never really got on until I left home as I was always a second mother to her as Mum needed help to look after her sometimes as Dad was completely useless. Oh How I wish he saw what really went on at times of illness. Now grown up, we still have our moments but we have a good relationship. I’m still jealous of her writing talent mind.

The school years: I was bullied quite a bit. I spent most of comprehensive school on my own right up until I left. I wasn’t as clever as my sister. I had to spend months revising. Being female didn’t help as I suffered badly and often ended up in the nurses room with a hot water bottle. I didn’t like school much. There were a few teachers that really supported me but no, school wasn’t for me. They even said I wouldn’t go far because my grades were so low. Then I decided to go to college. I did think about nursery nursing but the art teacher was so delighted with my work I took that route, where I met Carly and had an amazing two years on the second course I took there.

The boro/leeds HND and degree years, Being told you wouldn’t go far and not able to take the easy route to a degree I did a HND in Graphic arts. There’s some strong memories from that time and also sad ones as I lost Carly in my final year in boro. Onto Leeds, I thought I found the love of my life but that went hay wire. However I did meet some amazing people, some who are dear to me today and I graduated, full cap and gown. So proud.

The working years: from a paperround to fund my college course, to corner shops & supermarkets, sweet sections in wilkinsons, photographer in a studio, a printmaker, coffee shop, technician at uni, printmaker and now on to an exciting new adventure of reception/administrative work. I have had a varied career. When I was young I always dreamed of a family, to be loved, a house and a good career. It’s not quite there but I’m proud of the jobs I’ve had. I’ve learned so much.

There’s the independent ongoing saga with the vitamin D deficiency and depression issues.Where getting out of bed seemed in possible 7 months ago and that it took several years to recognise the recurring issues and has battled ever since to put things right.

There’s the hermit years. again still ongoing but have managed thanks to a suggestion from a good friend to join a book club, which led on to a radio show which found one of my closet friends and opened doors to all sorts of new adventures. But still the best part although begin alone isn’t pleasant sometimes. Is being able to come back to a home which is mine, which can be messy but is covered in cushions and candles and I can finally call home.

So as another chapter closes another opens and exciting times ahead. I’m grateful for everything I’ve been through even if it has torn me apart at times and not been able to fix it. I hope someday it will be easier and I won’t have to fight anymore.

Thank you for reading





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