I’m a follower and don’t fit in

sheep01It’s the chinese year of the Monkey, the fire monkey I believe. I was always led to belive I was born in the year of the monkey, but sadly I fall under the goat/sheep. In fact I’m an earth sheep/goat born on a Tuesday in the early hours.

The Earth Goat/ Sheep –  traditional, autonomous, motivated by diligence, anxious and hopeful. 

In saying that, I have been thinking a lot about how, no matter what I try and do I still don’t fit in in most areas. I don’t fit in at work, I never fitted in at school, I hope I fit in at book club, and the small group of friends I’ve created. I think of myself as a follower but do my best to try to be a leader. I yearn to be a good leader, I just think past events and health/personal issues are getting in the way.

In the last few months I feel memory wise my brain has doubled in age and suffer really badly with a bad memory, so much so I see people using it against me, whether to make me look a fool or to be able to use it against me out of spite, I’m just not sure.

I’ve been taken Vitamin D for a month now, part of the memory problem as due to a lack of sunlight I need to take a supplement, yet in some situations I keep forgetting the evening tablet so have made myself a spreadsheet and can now keep track, I should really make to do lists again and to update the diary, and then at least I have a paper trail for my poor memory.

51vp347lW-L._SX330_BO1,204,203,200_Along with this I keep being asked about the being single issue. Whilst talking to my friend Kirsty about the radio shows we used to do, she reminded me of the book we read called how to love like a hot chick. In there you had to describe what you wanted/in a future spouse. We talked about what we needed, i.e. someone who would listen after a long working day, whether on the phone or at home, cook tea, make us a cuppa, enjoyed reading, or in my case let me waffle about a book even if they weren’t interested. Another of mine was just to hug me for absolutely no reason, drop me off a coffee if I was at work and say hello. For me it was silly little things, simply because I’ve lived on my own and about 80% of my day I can feel really lonely. All sounds silly I know and probably only exists in the movies, but after being alone for so long and noticing the barriers I’ve put up, even when meeting new people who now I realise are the most important people in my life, I just wonder if there is someone like that to enjoy the simple things and have a laugh and not get annoyed when I forget things and share the housework with.

So right now, I feel like I’m wandering in fog. I’ve started to get rid of the exhaustion I’ve felt for the last few months, I’m reading loads more than I ever used to, but ask me to recall what it was about and I’d have to get back to you on that. In other news I am pleased to know that I can retire in 26 years on minimum pension as long as things stay as they are. Fingers crossed then as I’m in need of a holiday :D.

Thank you for reading





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