From a young age, tv shows can make me cry, I would try my best to hide behind a cushion, not to show I was upset by a tv show. My ex used to think I was daft to cry over tv. ‘It’s not real’ he would say. Well I know that but I must get so involved watching it that it upsets me.
Tonight I ended up watching the last half of DIY SOS homes for veterans. Those guys have it so tough. They go off to war and return to try fit in a normal life and some suffering from PTSD and not knowing how to cope most be so distressing. One said something about negative waves hitting you and when those times attack he feels hopeless. He even apologised and said it was his fault for his family’s life turning out the way it did, and his wife returned with ‘it’s not yours it’s the PTSD’.
How is it that we are such an intelligent species yet we get rewarded with such cruel mental illnesses that nearly destroys a person, and yes we have developed medicines and therapies to help relieve or cure the condition.
I suffer from depression, I ‘m not gloating, I’m just trying to say it enough to get myself to accept the struggle I have on a daily basis to get out of bed and moving and to stop beating myself up about the fact I didn’t love myself enough as a person or believe in myself that I allowed myself to get hurt 5 years ago and everything changed. I doubt my depression started then, I think I’ve struggled for years, it just manifested itself for so long it finally burst and I’m now clearing up the mess.
I can say I probably still don’t love myself as a person as much as I should do, but tonight I felt proud that I have managed 5 years living alone and that finally, finally I feel I’ve made a home I’m happy with. I’ve just been in the attic/office, creating stuff and never felt so content.I feel I can actually see the way to move forward and what I need to do next. I would love to downsize but that is going to take a lot of planning and money, so that’s a goal for the end of next year. But I need to do it the right way and not try rush it like last year.
I also want to plan what to do with the last 4 years of my 30’s. I still haven’t travelled abroad, I haven’t owned my own house and I would love to own a car again. Now these are materialistic things. What I want for myself is a beautiful confidant person who can stand being near negative people but not be brought down by them. To be able to not comfort eat, to find excuses not to do what I love. Too stop feleing tired. Too know its ok to cry once in a while like tonight when watching DIY SOS. To ask for help. I still don’t do it and I should.
So now I have 3.5 days off, I will hopefully refresh my spirit and stop beating myself up and enjoy the rest of 2015.
Thank you for reading.