Monthly Archives: October 2015

4 years ago today…

Hello from me to you

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…..I signed my life away as a newly single person and signed up to rent the first house I viewed with the guide of some friends. I was at the time shutting myself away in an attic of another friends house and just doing my best to be a functioning human.

Today, I still live in the same place. Onto my third job of the year. I don’t have contact with 50% of the people from that time and there’s a good reason for that. It’s also in this 4th year I’ve been able to feel settled in this house and not tried to stay away as much as possible. I do think though my obsession with cleaning has knotched up a level or two but not quite as much as them people on that channel 4 programme. I just have to have things tidy because as much as I…

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it only takes a tv show to set me off

From a young age, tv shows can make me cry, I would try my best to hide behind a cushion, not to show I was upset by a tv show. My ex used to think I was daft to cry over tv. ‘It’s not real’ he would say. Well I know that but I must get so involved watching it that it upsets me.

Tonight I ended up watching the last half of DIY SOS homes for veterans. Those guys have it so tough. They go off to war and return to try fit in a normal life and some suffering from PTSD and not knowing how to cope most be so distressing. One said something about negative waves hitting you and when those times attack he feels hopeless. He even apologised and said it was his fault for his family’s life turning out the way it did, and his wife returned with ‘it’s not yours it’s the PTSD’.

How is it that we are such an intelligent species yet we get rewarded with such cruel mental illnesses that nearly destroys a person, and yes we have developed medicines and therapies to help relieve or cure the condition.

I suffer from depression, I ‘m not gloating, I’m just trying to say it enough to get myself to accept the struggle I have on a daily basis to get out of bed and moving and to stop beating myself up about the fact I didn’t love myself enough as a person or believe in myself that I allowed myself to get hurt 5 years ago and everything changed. I doubt my depression started then, I think I’ve struggled for years, it just manifested itself for so long it finally burst and I’m now clearing up the mess.

I can say I probably still don’t love myself as a person as much as I should do, but tonight I felt proud that I have managed 5 years living alone and that finally, finally I feel I’ve made a home I’m happy with. I’ve just been in the attic/office, creating stuff and never felt so content.I feel I can actually see the way to move forward and what I need to do next. I would love to downsize but that is going to take a lot of planning and money, so that’s a goal for the end of next year. But I need to do it the right way and not try rush it like last year.

I also want to plan what to do with the last 4 years of my 30’s. I still haven’t travelled abroad, I haven’t owned my own house and I would love to own a car again. Now these are materialistic things. What I want for myself is a beautiful confidant person who can stand being near negative people but not be brought down by them. To be able to not comfort eat, to find excuses not to do what I love. Too stop feleing tired. Too know its ok to cry once in a while like tonight when watching DIY SOS. To ask for help. I still don’t do it and I should.

So now I have 3.5 days off, I will hopefully refresh my spirit and stop beating myself up and enjoy the rest of 2015.

Thank you for reading.

xxx

LBC White Swan – Wool Review

And this is why I love book club. What an amazing review!!! I have a lot to of work to do to polish mine up. Gets typing quickly…..

LeedsBookClub

LBC White Swan

Date:  Sunday 11th of October 2015
Time:  6:00pm
Address: Swan Street, Leeds

Discussing:

WOOL

HUGH HOWEY

* * * * * SPOILERS * * * * *

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* * * * * SPOILERS * * * * *

Huge thanks to Riley @McCluskry for providing this excellent write up! A long time book clubber; this is his first write up! Welcome to the team, Riley!

The BLURB (AMAZON)

WHAT WOULD YOU DO
If the world outside was deadly,
And the air you breathed could kill.

AND YOU LIVED IN A PLACE
Where every birth required a death
And the choices you made could save lives – or destroy them.

THIS IS JULES’ STORY

THIS IS THE WORLD OF WOOL

woolSome of us approached ‘Wool’ with caution, put on the defensive by…

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Book review: The Magician’s Nephew by C.S.Lewis

The Magician’s Nephew

(The Chronicles of Narnia (Publication Order) #6)

by C.S. Lewis

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When Digory and Polly are tricked by Digory’s peculiar Uncle Andrew into becoming part of an experiment, they set off on the adventure of a lifetime. What happens to the children when they touch Uncle Andrew’s magic rings is far beyond anything even the old magician could have imagined.

Hurtled into the Wood between the Worlds, the children soon find that they can enter many worlds through the mysterious pools there. In one world they encounter the evil Queen Jadis, who wreaks havoc in the streets of London when she is accidentally brought back with them. When they finally manage to pull her out of London, unintentionally taking along Uncle Andrew and a coachman with his horse, they find themselves in what will come to be known as the land of Narnia. -Goodreads

About the Author

CLIVE STAPLES LEWIS (1898–1963) was one of the intellectual giants of the twentieth century and arguably one of the most influential writers of his day. He was a Fellow and Tutor in English Literature at Oxford University until 1954. He was unanimously elected to the Chair of Medieval and Renaissance Literature at Cambridge University, a position he held until his retirement. He wrote more than thirty books, allowing him to reach a vast audience, and his works continue to attract thousands of new readers every year. His most distinguished and popular accomplishments include Mere Christianity, Out of the Silent Planet, The Great Divorce, The Screwtape Letters, and the universally acknowledged classics The Chronicles of Narnia. To date, the Narnia books have sold over 100 million copies and been transformed into three major motion pictures. -Goodreads

*spoilers*

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Make your choice, adventurous Stranger
Strike the bell and bide the danger
Or wonder, till it drives you mad
What would have followed if you had

Uncle_andrew

“What you see and what you hear depends a great deal on where you are standing. It also depends on what sort of person you are.”

As you know I run LBCPuffins as part of Leeds Book Club, its adults reading children’s books, mainly ones from our childhood, a bit of a nostalgic book reading group. This particular book has been put in the hat and not picked until we were undecided for the last book of the year and I decided to pop it in. And what a book!  I had read this book as a child, it was the first book int the series in which I owned (obviously its book no 6) and I think at this point I had seen the BBC’s version of The Lion Witch and the Wardrobe. I also remember reading the Silver chair but can’t remember what happened to it. I also own the BBC cover version of  The Lion the Witch and the wardrobe and the tv series.

and reading it again it feels like I have stepped back in time, it still holds its magic, I had forgotten how much I loved this book. I must have read it loads when I was young as it just felt like I have known this story for so long but had forgotten it. This book is the November pick and last one of the year for our book club and I was so excited I decided to read it early and I’m so glad I did. I think I need to find my own copy and remember just to re-read it once in a while.

f11e8bd681adce60da8eb6056419cd92It’s a classic children story, A child gets shipped off to his uncle’s in this case it’s so his mother can be looked after as she is ill and while the young boy (Digory) is out in the garden he meets the young girl (Polly) from next door. Of course each instantly think the other is silly, but then an adventure begins. Through the attic of Polly’s house they find a tunnel, area that they can crawl through which extends right through the roofs of the other houses. Off they go to explore, and in thinkign they have gone a great distance find a door and open it. Unfortunatley they land in Digory’s mad Uncle Andrew’s secret room.

Here they find the magician/Uncle had a secret. He has some magic rings that he is not sure how they work and traps the children in the room to trick them into using these rings. It’s from here the big adventure begins.

Out of all the books this year, I felt this has to be my favourite of the year, Like I said I felt like I did as a child reading it, and I wonder how many times I did. I now understand the latest film version where Jim Broadbent (the professor i.e. young Digory says something to Lucy) I did not twig, I guess I had forgotten then story.

Children have one kind of silliness. as you know, and grown-ups have another kind.At this moment Uncle Andrew was beginning to be silly in a very grown-up way
There is so much in this book, I do belive it is my favourite of the lot. I love the character’s I love the illustrations, especially as the one I borrowed from the library is a new edition it still holds the old illustrations, and what amazing ones they are too.
And before I finish I have to say sometimes in children’s books isn’t it funny when the children are more grown-up then the adult’s? I loved  Digory’s response to Uncle Andrew in the new world which made me laugh, I love it when a book does that.
“By gum,’ said Digory, ‘Don’t I just wish I was big enough to punch your head!”

And one thing everyone should remember

“All get what they want; they do not always like it.”
so be careful what you wish for.
So roll on November when I’m sure I’m to re-read it again. In the meantime I’ll just have to watch the other stories on the BBC boxset.
Oh one last thing I did not know Nellie came from Helen, I did wonder why the Queen’s name was changed –
Nelly (given name) Nelly, Nela, Nell, and Nellie are female given names, also used as nicknames, which are derived from the names Janelle, Helen, Ellen, Petronella, Chanelle and Cornelia.
Thank you for reading
xxx

Things to be thankful for

Proud to be me

I’ve been helping my friend Kirsty practice her coursework so she can start a new career, and it has helped me wonders without realising it. In 2013 I did Cognitive Behavioural Therapy and was ok for a bit, swapped jobs and then completely forgot about it thinking I was ok. Big mistake! I should have carried on with this and should be doing it still today. I came to this conclusion after yesterday’s workshop with Kirsty. Over the past few weeks we have created a vision board, got all the pens, glue, pins and started to create stuff and I didn’t realise how much I missed it.

I found myself on the internet yesterday looking for diaries as I wanted to start sorting out next year, getting an idea of dates etc, I have already designed a wall planner using clipart off the web, and bought a mini calendar for the kitchen. In the end after finding a couple on the internet I decided instead of ordering online I’d go check out the stock instead, and I’m so glad I did. Even though it took me a good ten minutes of walking around in circles to find the bloody thing, I actually found one much better instore (1st proud moment) than online and it has loads more to offer.

Like a note section which I can use now and then go back to the proper diary in January. I also nearly gave up on the idea of food shopping today as the weather has been awful, and I didn’t want to walk back soaked. But luckily the rain held off and I got an amazing amount of food, under budget to (second proud moment). After getting some free food outside the St Johns Centre which was a samosas and curried lentils, I decided I needed to cook a vegetable curry from scratch. So an hour later, 4 heavy bags, cupboards now stocked with veg, I cooked a curry and it was amazing. I even washed up while it was bubbling away. Normally I leave it for days, but no, I cleaned up.

And now, I’m going to grab some me time and read a book. That’s my first step at goal setting. To read for an hour a day. So far so good. Just need to start the exercising malarky again, perhaps a walk into work might be an idea.

Thank you for reading

xxx

Thank you Mum

Yesterday I had an hour long chat with my Mum, I don’t do this enough, more so because I’ve felt so up and down these past few months, I know she can tell, and over the phone is a bit hard, as you can’t comfort that person.

Everyone says that they have the best Mum in the world, but I truly do. She has grown up as the eldest daughter of 6 siblings, and was expected to go to work when possible and maybe help look after the younger one, and she has gone through so much to get where she is today and most of all made me who I am, and I’m proud of that.

Sounds daft but, I try so hard not to be like my Dad that I think it broke me, instead I look at my bad points/habits and try to notice them and change them when I can. One of my biggest problems is not asking for help, I don’t know how. I see it as failure, as I’ve always done things myself where possible. I grew up helping my Mum look after my sister, and at times when Mum was unwell I took care of her to.

I always felt I need to try stay in the background so Mum could focus on my sister, but she knew when I was troubled and on a night when I used to sit on her bed talking she would coax it out of me, and then the tears would start and Mum would sort my problems out. Later in life I found that bottling it up didn’t work and did cause issues, but I could never find a way to express myself properly. Now after several years some life changing events, some delayed counselling, I feel like all my Mum’s handwork has paid off and I know not to leave it to long before I next call her.

So thank you Mum for being my Mum and teaching me all those things when we were young, for letting us use the library and bringing home armfuls of books, for encouraging our arty side, from slat dough to drawing and painting, for being an amazing cook, I wish I could have corn beef pie more often. For listening and giving me pep talks even at the age I am now.

I love you so much, and feel very lucky to be your daughter.

xxxx