Monthly Archives: September 2015

‘Oh, I’ll get by with a little help from my friends’

It’s midweek and my day off.  A friend told me last week she had a job interview and immediately I decided to help her and make sure she had everything she needed. After last years job swapping I realised I could help. I also got another friend involved and although I got the plans mixed up, everything worked out a treat. I rearranged my office early this morning, had made endless cups of coffee and then we went off for lunch as I forgot to go and get it :).

At the weekend I went up to Hyde Park to volunteer and part of me was worried what to say after not being there for so long and whether I would fail at the task given. I didn’t and in the end I got talking to new runners who weren’t sure how park run went and got thanked later, saying they were so nervous but found everyone including me very friendly and helpful. I realised halfway through token giving that it wasn’t about me at all, it was about the event and making it possible for others do what they needed. Same with book club and world book night.

In a months time it will be 5 years of living alone and being single (on and off). It’s been in the back of mind for ages and wondering what would happen and whether I could face another year. I can and I don’t need to worry. I am in such a better place than last year and the year I moved in. Granted, I still have a lot of work to do, and yes some people find it too long to be single, but it suits me. At this moment, as much as I wanted to get married from a young age, I’ve come to the conclusion it’s not a necessity anymore, it was always about the dress and the party and I can do that anytime. I realise that now. Plus I need this time to grow. Really grow, I feel I’ve been missing for a long time and life is so busy and there’s so much I want to do that I need Hermione Granger’s  time turner.

To start the process I had a haircut. For someone who is not keen on change I decided that my hair was the one thing weighing me down and causing an issue. Nearly always in a pony tale at work, rarely does it last long being down, I decided there was no point just getting a trim. I told no one incase it couldn’t be done or I decided not to do it. But I did and I love it. It’s almost made me invisible (just like when I was young) and the amount of questions about why, and comments of ‘that’s a bit drastic!’ has been phenomenal. My sister thought I had gone on an app and sent a picture but no, I had a hair cut, that’s all.

The next stage will be to clear as much clutter from my life and continue working on my CBT so by 2016 all will have changed again and for the better. I’ve already put the picture frames back up after taking them down last year so if I can do that I can do anything. And I know I can ask for help if I need it.

I did not know its history until now but we used to sing this at junior school as part of our hymns …

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Thank you for reading

xxx

self talk

A bit of a garbled piece tonight so bear with me. When we talk to ourselves it can be good or can be disastrous. This morning I was ready to stay in bed. I felt so drained. Yesterday I was constantly sneezing, my voice was croaky and I was running a temperature. My body telling me to slow down and stop. So I did. But today I had no energy what so ever, yet after a bit of self talk, I got up, got to work, and after a few hours, plenty if water and a coffee, I started to feel better. I ended the day feeling proud of myself.

How easily I could have given up though. All signs of the lurgy appear to have disappeared, I just feel drained, but because I’m not my bubbly self, and have my ‘sad/fed-up’ face on, there’s something wrong, when the only thing is wrong is I lack energy, and it feels like such an effort to do anything.

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On another note, I was asked today why I take things so seriously, why I take them to heart, I really don’t know, I have done as far back as I remember. One of them could be this, after looking on the inter-web for clues, it could be down to how my Father treated me, for example, how he wouldn’t talk to me for 18months (I can’t remember it being this long) after I didn’t say morning to him one day, or because I didn’t ask if he wanted a cup of tea, and how I became very wary of others. And yes, it still affects me now. It’s crazy.

Low self esteem can be a result of negative life experiences, particularly when we’re young and most vulnerable. These experiences may include being criticised or judged negatively, such as from a parent or school bullies. As adults, abusive relationships and very stressful life events can also cause low self esteem.’

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Always:

‘Our keen ability to read others and decipher communication comes at a cost. Some of us have never learned how to trust.’

‘You are afraid of contact with others as you imagine that they are constantly judging you and that their probing looks will obviously find your faults. So, you try to remain the most transparent and discreet possible’

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at school:

‘Maybe you were brought up in an atmosphere of ‘You’ll never make the grade’ as a child. Also I was never good enough for my Dad, not in my brother’s shadow, but apparently I was too stubborn and independent, even at 10 years old????’

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Something I need to learn …. along with ‘learning to rely on yourself’

‘If you think that by saying no or thinking differently from others that you will no longer be loved, it just isn’t so. Others will learn to respect you because you respect yourself.’

So after deciding to put food shopping off for a couple of days and manage with what’s in the cupboard, I’ve been searching my favourite website for answers http://www.get.gg. and I think I found some. So while I work through some of these and catch up on reading for book club, please bear with me as I work through this.

Thank you for reading

xxx

It’s the little things that count

If you don’t know by now, I have been dealing with depression, in a recent post I realised that it must have been going on for a lot longer than i thought, it’s only in the past two years I have had the strength to deal with it. Even more so now.

Realising that in 4 years and 4 months I will be 40. Yes me 40 years old. ugh. and the funniest thing is it’s only now that I’m starting to feel alive, like I’ve just began waking up to who i am and what I can do. And yes i sound like a parrot, as I keep repeating myself. But it’s been a roller coaster and one that seems to forgot to stop or slow down until now.

Yesterday I went to the doctors for my quarterly review. There are now stricter rules for certain if not all antidepressants, the amount on the prescription has been changed followed with quarterly check ups. Yesterday I dreaded this one, I was going to the doctor who helped me out in the beginning and then I decided at one point to come off them thinking I was strong and ready, and I wasn’t, I felt like I had failed. I had to await a consultation to go back to original dose and a different doctor rang up and I explained the issue and his reply, it’s ok we all need a little help from time to time, it’s good that you spotted the signs and since then it’s been amazing. I was expecting this type of support.

Yesterday was the same. I said that I didn’t want anything to change until the new year, as it was leading to our busiest time at work, and i have a lot to deal with at the moment. His response was amazing, saying that with the weather and nights drawing in, it would be best to keep stable, I loved that term, i started laughing, as I do think I am going for a sanity check each time. Listen to me, i sound like a right crack pot. I promise I’m not, I just have a fun way of thinking and don’t always feel on top form and I’m working on it, constantly. Simply because as my middle name states, I am a warrior and like my Mum told me yesterday, I am strong and have always fought to get where I am today. I can’t believe I nearly gave it all up and went into a boring job.

Thank you for reading

xxx

‘and asks me the question dreaded by all Singletons. So… how’s your love life?’

The line from one of my favourite films. As I realised that it is only 4 years and 4 months away from my 40th Birthday and I am not where i expected to be, I realise that I don’t need to keep punishing myself. As someone pointed out the other day it is my choice to be single. And it’s true. The reason? I just don’t want to be hurt again.

Recently i have felt like I am just waking up. Waking up to a person who still have struggles, who holds down a job, runs a house, try to have a social life, runs a book club, and last of all tries to be a good Daughter and Sister and friend to the ones I love most.

Instead in some peoples eyes (and yes I should stop listening to what others say and think) I haven’t yet made it. Why? because I haven’t dated in such a long time. All my other achievements are insignificant.

I would like a family, but at the moment, I don’t need anyone else in my life and I feel someone would become dependant on me and it wouldn’t be children. I think taking on other people’s emotions and needs is such a big job these days that the romantic nature of Elizabeth and Darcy will always be a dream. But that’s how I feel. I also believe I have so much work to do on myself, hence project Helen, that I love this time I have to myself and I want to make the most of it. What I would love most is finding the time and money to go up home more regularly and see my Mum and Sister. I just seem to have fallen into some bad habits lately and need to get back to prioritising.

Currently on FB you can see what you did a year ago, and that was working in the coffee shop, I also saw a post where I planning what I was doing this year. Oh how things change. So perhaps it’s time to plan the next 4 years and 4 months and make the most of the rest of my 30’s. I you have any ideas let me know.

In the meantime some pieces from articles found on the web.

‘Don’t feel like a failure; seize the opportunity to find yourself instead. “When you’re in a relationship it’s very hard to see yourself clearly because you’re constantly in response to your partner,” says d’Felice. Whereas when you’re single, you can take stock, learn from your mistakes and work out what you want for the future. “Particularly for women who have been conditioned to be givers rather than takers,” she adds, it’s an opportunity to put ourselves first. “This is not an act of selfishness,” she says. “It’s a very important act of selfhood.”‘ from an article here

an article on fictional singletons here

choices here

Thank you for reading

xxx

pj day

12:14pm

Today was mean’t to be pj day, to sit all day and do nothing. Well after waking up at 8am getting breakfast and coffee and going back to bed, I finally got up at 9am, for another coffee and to watch Murder She Wrote. By 10:30 I was ready to kick the spider out of the sink, been there for ever! wash up and hoover. The need to put the house straight was bigger than me sitting down and reading. I must be mad. I now have a second load of washing on and about to tackle the clothes pile that has built up before another coffee and give myself an hour to read a book whilst my hair was being dyed.

1pm

I went to sit outside, no sun on my side at this time but needed some air. Next door’s little boy was out and started showing me his toys. He then told me about the pegs on the line which led onto super heroes. He went and got his colouring book to tell me who was who. It’s so nice to have someone just talk to you and not be judged or moaned at because your not doing what they want. The little boy asked me what the numbers were in his book and then started counting. His Mum came out and asked what he was doing, his reply was ‘do you mind I’m talking to someone’. Kids can be so funny.

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1:45pm

I’m in my sanctuary. the attic. I’m searching through all the rubbish to make it a bigger space. The tables are just covered in junk and i just tossed it on the floor and gave it a good polish. Trying to read Ghostwritten by David Mitchell and wondering what’s going on. I am determined to finish it today. that’s how I will force myself to sit still.

6:30pm

So third lot of washing done, house hoovered and attic cleared of a load of rubbish. Now sat sorting through the computer and in need of a bath. rest of the night will be reading. But first make something else to eat.

Lesson learned: Need to be more strict and sit down and not let things bug me. house will still be there to sort when needed

Sharing Stories – A life too short – Ronald Reng

I’d forgotten about this

LeedsBookClub

Sharing Stories - Notes from an Exhibition - GUEST

 A life too short – Ronald Reng

 part of last year’s Mental Health Reading Challenge 2013

*warning potential plot spoilers*

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Winner of the William Hill Sports Book of the Year, the biography of Robert Enke, the international footballer with the world at his feet who took his own life

Here, award-winning writer Ronald Reng pieces together the puzzle of his lost friend’s life. On November 10, 2009, the German national goalkeeper, Robert Enke, stepped in front of a passing train. He was 32 years old. Viewed from the outside, Enke had it all. He was a professional goalkeeper who had played for a string of Europe’s top clubs, including Jose Mourinho’s Benfica and Louis Van Gaal’s Barcelona, and was destined to be his country’s first choice for years to come. But beneath the bright veneer of success lay a darker story. Reng brings into sharp relief the specific demands and fears faced…

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