As we are about to leave august signs are slowly creeping in that the end of the year is near. Yet I hear you shout, ‘we still have 4 months to go’. Yet in retail that doesn’t matter as for the next 3 months we have to suffer from the sight of Christmas. From cards to wrapping paper, to now I head Christmas jumpers. I fear retail is judging ruining what should be a special time. Next we’ll be having it all year around. And the fact that everything we buy for that one special day, is devalued the next in the boxing day sales. After working in retail for nearly half my life, and for the past 5 years living on my own, I am now sick of the sight of Christmas decorations. I was bought a tree ad given decorations but it just seems a waste of time. People get worse with their attitude,worried that they can’t afford big and expensive present as they might receive, that they’ve left it to the last minute and you’ve ran out of what they wanted!.
The best bit it is, Halloween always gets overshadowed. Yes I know a traditional event like Christmas in most peoples eyes but in recent years I’ve found it to be more fun. I went trick or treating with a friend and their girls and then last year was involved in a Halloween event. Yet this is pushed to one side so retailers can bring in the tinsel as this is the biggest event of the year. Yet by the time it gets to this big day, every one is too knackered to care. So come on retailers, if not for the special day think of the people who work with it. Don’t spoil Christmas. Leave it until November 1st and make it a better party please.
Ah Sunday’s. Time to be quiet, to have me time, to be with friends and eating a full english breakfast, to be lying in bed for ages because you had too much too drink the night before or before the woking week was a long one.
Last week I had a chance to go to someones ‘not 40th Birthday Party’, My friend has never told anyone her birthday as She doesn’t like the fuss apparently but had a joint party with one of her friend’s who was just turning 32.
There were people from park run, her family, her friend’s friends and it was an amazing atmosphere. I stressed out all week about what to wear then asking my friend if she didn’t mind if I didn’t dress up went in my favourite t-shirt and skirt, the t-shirt saying ‘I have nothing to wear’. It got some right reactions in county durham I can tell you. Anyway I felt more comfortable in this and in a new group of people (some I knew) I think it paid off.
I learned a lot about myself that night. I realised how much Caroline’s friendship means to me, how others were grateful I was her friend and helped her out when moving. Especially her Parents who kept thanking me for looking after their little girl (hope she doesn’t kill me for mentioning that) I replied ‘I’m just as lucky to have her’. I also learned a bit about how others see me and what a special person that is and what more i need to do for myself. Like get drunk more often and relax!!!!
The next morning we hiked up to Horsforth to meet Caroline’s running friends and again another fantastic bunch. I felt normal. There are others who have thoughts and actions like me. Both at the party and in the cafe, like the other month in spiritual book club or at LBCPuffins on Wednesday night I felt like I belonged. I’ve been worried so much lately that Puffins wasn’t having enough attendance, that I was doing something wrong, but realised it was silly and life/work was getting in everyone’s way, oh to have a life of luxury and reading. But on Wednesday night when we sat down and started to talk about the book, I did get nervous about introducing it, but didn’t get a chance as the discussion just exploded, I sat back amazed and felt a feeling of pride, that I had brought these people together and was giving something back by leading this group. I can’t thank them enough for such a bizarre book meeting :).
It’s funny what can go on in your head, it really is, but I’ve come to accept this depression thing has been going on longer than I would like to think, perhaps starting back in 1999 when my friend died. I just never knew how to accept it or deal with it until 18months ago when I couldn’t take it anymore, and something had to be done. Now it’s just a long journey to recover, and rediscover me. I tried living without medication and felt like I failed, instead I realise I need that to help me while I work on the other aspects, and now I know I have a much bigger support group than I ever realised I would have, I know I can do this. I will beat this.
So thank you to everyone, to my family, friends, book group people, the furry four legged kind. You don’t know how much you help me.
To all those people who I seem to be annoying lately because…..
I haven’t time to meet up
I’m still single and not in a relationship as most want
I don’t have kids
I may be a bit odd
I have a terrible memory
I can get tired quickly on occasions due to developing low blood pressure
I have a full time job
that i can talk utter gibberish or worry about the stupidest of things
I get really nervous about things when i’ve done them for years
That I’m really sorry. The reality is, I am single, more so now by choice as I can’t risk being hurt again, not at this present time.
That yes I have regrets of not being married now and having two children and a lovely house.
That I work full time as I have to pay ALL the bills and keep a roof over my head, therefore some weeks I’m flat broke and yet I still manage to go to book club and get enough money for a drink, but that to me is a necessity where possible.
That after an 8.5 hour shift, i just want to come home to peace and quiet and yes I may surf the web or read a book but that’s my time.
I live on my own and when I do get company I probably do monopolise it because I haven’t had chance to talk to someone but I hope they don’t mind, Some now accept me others use distractions
I am me, I’m starting to learn who that is, one is that I think I’ve had depression for longer than I think and in recent months i’m beginning to realise who I am and what I can and can’t do. One thing seems to be annoying people as they don’t know what is going on and don’t understand how difficult I find things sometimes.
So once again, I’m sorry for being me, sorry for trying to make time for me and not everyone else and I hope you all forgive me.
Yesterday I made the decision to get up at 6am on my day off. I wanted to get the house clean and get the washing sorted as I have not been able to over the past couple of weeks, from being busy and then getting unexpected house guests, I took a friend in when her house flooded. I’ve been trying to get rid of the clutter, some of which I’ve had for over 7 years and its time to get rid as it is just sat in piles everywhere.
I’ve recently been shifting all the rubbish from the living room and bedroom to the attic which could also be another bedroom but was my junk/washing room (where I hang the wet clothes) and now is the office/junk room/washing room. It’s great because I look like I’m a tidy person but actually everything is rammed upstairs.
I had planned for months to get a second table when I found I needed something else to work on. I planned to create a space to do book reviews, design etc and one table wasn’t enough. and I also needed a bit better chair than the fold up one. It turns out I now have 3 chairs and two tables as I have a very posh office chair on loan, only problem is the attic is carpeted so I can’t whizz up and down it on the chair. Believe me I’ve tried.
As plans go by 9am I had the 3rd lot of washing on, drank 3 coffees I think, cleaned the kitchen and was ready to tackle putting the cushions back in their covers. A message came through on my phone and I arranged to go into town for 10:30, so plans quickly changed. Needing to get back for 1pm for lunch, I quickly got myself sorted and off I went. I think I had a feeling my plans would change but I was disappointed I was quite happy, I think I had a gut felling it would happen.
Back to mine by 1pm and I met my friend Kirsty and off we went to try the new cafe. It’s in there my love of a window seat made an appearance and now I have a mission to build one that isn’t fixed to the wall and can go in my home. Just another thing to add to the list.
Now I’m floating like a butterfly Stinging like a bee I earned my stripes I went from zero, to my own hero
So today was about me. About some stress relief, as apparently according to my friend at her not -40th birthday party on Saturday I am OCD with cleaning, yet I can be the opposite when working and create a right mess. But as with running was a stress relief, like spending money you don’t have on crap, or eating cake, or gusting wasteful I seem to clean. except I love cleaning, apart from if it involves the bathroom, that I’m not keen on. It resulted in emptying the hoover twice, chucking out two bin bags of rubbish plus a bag of recycle and also taking about 5 bags down to charity. It felt such a relief when it was all gone.
As for the rest I think I can cope with it all piled up, it’ll just have to be an ongoing process.
The plan now is to be grateful for what I have and for things that happen, like someone buying me a coffee,
or Kirsty introducing me to a new project like clubbercise – which is awesome by the way. To someone buying me a box of chocolates for a job well done or because i had a very stressful week.
To my sister checking up on me and my Mum ringing me up to check on me and to not get stressed out after I developed a lovely rash.
To my book club people, who last night completely surprised me as I was about to introduce the book it went into a full blown rant. Book club makes everything better.
To it being sunny on my day off, even if I haven’t had chance to enjoy it,
For the ability to read, and to be able to absorb myself into book, can be rare these days.
For my health
For finding strength to keep getting up every morning and going to work and doing everything else I want to do
And although my Mum is one of my heroes with others who I won’t mention, I want to become my own, what costume I would where I do not know. But I want to be proud of myself and respect myself when others don’t.
I know this blog is long and probably not making any sense by now but it has been a while and it is just a stream of thought so I thought I would finish by telling you what I’ve been trying to do over the past few months with the attic but first….
Heard this classic blasting from a car just need to change wording to become own hero……
I can be your hero, baby. I can kiss away the pain. I will stand by you forever. You can take my breath away.
What I posted on FB to show others:
Currently working through things in the house to get rid of which I’ve held onto for years along with learning to respect myself and to become a stronger person
*learning to put flat pack together
*In the garden having flowers that are not weeds !!! hooray
*to maintain a clean and tidy kitchen
Every so often retreat to the sofa to retreat to this
A goal, to have a window seat and read books and drink coffee
I must do a proper spring clean more often
The chair pic – ta da! the office!!!! check out the posh seat on loan
the pile of tubs – just this left to sort. another 6 bags to charity this afternoon. feeling proud
The pile of books – emptied the boxes of books and just need a bookcase, just need to read them
The CBT folder – to get stuck into this again
the drawing of the tiger -to draw more
The picture of me in the sea – just learn to let it go (cue music)
I’ve been sat here for 20 mins wondering how to start this post. I haven’t been on my phone or social networks until now and its been fab. instead I have been sat on the doorstep reading a book in the sunshine. For some bizarre reason I didn’t put any socks or shoes on and spent the day wandering around the house and garden/yard in my bare feet. I did some washing, reorganised the ‘office’ and carted a office chair up the stairs. and now I’m pondering what to do.
This week I realised I had taken on too much over the last month or so, I forget how tough work can be and to take on other projects on as well took its toll this week, and on Thursday I became allergic to something, and still not sure what. I came out in a lovely red rash, which slowly disappeared to leave incredible itching all over my body making it painful for people to touch me. After a last minute doctor’s a appointment I was given piriton. hoorah! itching slowly subsiding after two days, but body is covered in red blotches, perhaps caused by scratching in my sleep.
Today I woke up after a 12 hour sleep and still feel tired now. I even had a migraine yesterday, and not had one in years. so that was another signal to slow down. Why I got so worked up could just be from things breaking down and past experiences raising their ugly head when they had no right to be there. Not everything is my fault. That should be my mantra, it really should.
So today the itching has died down, I’ve just felt extremely tired. I have sat outside most the day reading about happiness and nearly finished the book. I normally can’t do this. it normally takes me weeks as I can’t concentrate, but perhaps the sunshine and drinking lots of water have helped.
I’ve also realised, since last week what else I can achieve without thinking about it. Last week I went to Ikea to get another table and a chair so that I could expand the office and hopefully become more creative. I was even lucky to get another black table when Ikea said it only stocked white. A bonus.
After a trip to Scarborough later on I found myself at home alone and feeling really lonely I decided to tackle putting the chair and table together. After an hour, and a few choice words both were complete. And a week on they are still standing. However I now have 3 chairs, as an office chair was given to me on loan today. From nothing to this. It’s better than I could have imagined. I just need to clear the 12 bags and boxes sat behind me, reduced so much in the past month and we are onto a winner.
So lessons learned this week:
Stop getting stressed over little things
You can do something even when you think you can’t or it might fail soon afterwards
Look after no1
get rid of old crap that is just sitting there. let it go!
Forget what others think of you
And you’re never too old to be told off by your Mum