Monthly Archives: June 2015

Hello from me to you

I haven’t blogged in a while, I’ve actually been quite busy, but I notice if I don’t write down what’s going on, on here or in a book, after a while it starts to effect me. Recently I will try to spark a conversation and find someone’s seen it on Facebook, or I may have told them a couple of days ago and forgot.

A couple of years ago before I seeked help, I led a path of destruction on social media, without realizing or knowing it, a collection of messages were kept and used against me. At one point I got really cautious and stopped posting personal stuff then things gradually built up again.

Now it feels like it’s happening again. I don’t get chance to explain myself, if I do its seen as excuses, some in fairness perhaps are, a bad habit I picked up because people didn’t want the truth. Now it’s happening again. Nothing is secret and although its keeping others informed, it makes me feel like I’m being spied on and not trusted again. Some of this is building up to how I’m feeling and I know I’m making too much of a big of a deal out of it, but I’ve come along way and still continue on working through things. The thing is I don’t live with anyone, I work full time and go to book club and see friends as much as I can, that means I generally have loads to tell people, genrally waffle but its good to chat.

At the moment I am working on building my memory back up. The pile of notebooks get bigger, the filofax is hardly from my side and now I have google calendar which is taking ages to get used to. So I might just make memory books and keep them for myself and not bother telling anyone anything as they would prefer to find it of fb or someone else.

Hello! I’m over here! Yes we all make the mistake of relying on text based messages instead of ringng. we check fb instead of texting or ringing or going round to that persons house. We don’t communicate clearly anymore and we need to.

So for now I’m disappearing of social media and concentrating on other things.

Thank you for reading



My house and I

In October of this year it will be 5 years of moving into this house and living on my own. Up until then I had always been surrounded by people, from my parents and sister to fellow students to a now ex boyfriend. Never did I think I would be alone, and when I first moved in here I didn’t think about cost of bills, or running a house on my own. It hasn’t been an easy ride. There were several reasons for moving into this house, one being familiarity, after 6 years in a back to back it didn’t seem to far from home, but looking back I wonder whether I should have waited and gone for something smaller or with two entrances, but hindsight is a wonderful thing. For ages I didn’t feel like it was home, stuff sat in boxes and I didn’t really unpack, I just bought more junk in.


I can still remember the first week of moving in. no sound, no one else in here, there’s no door to the kitchen and for ages I thought I could hear a door creak. I would come in after work switch the telly on so there was noise and then just waste the evening not sure what to do. At one point I couldn’t be in the house and stayed away and then I needed to be realisitc and tried to keep busy, mainly wasting time on the internet.6

Then the following year everything changed. A friend suggested going to book club as I like reading. I went to World Book Night and found out about Leeds Book Club and you know the story from there. I also completed my first 10k. After only running for a few weeks and raised money for charity. Things kept changing and by 2014 it felt like everything was falling apart again, I started looking for other places to live but it would have mean’t living with others. Downsizing to something like the size of a single bedroom, with damp in bathrooms, small self in a fridge. I looked at so many places but I just could not bring myself to do it. 8

In the end because I lost my job I ended up staying put. I had a thought about moving back up north but things weren’t to great at home, I never got on with my Dad and the following year he finally left my Mum. I asked a dear friend if I could move in with them if it got worse. But in the end I had managed to get a job quite quickly, although temporary it helped. That’s when I ended up at the coffee shop. The one constant thing that stayed the same was the house. the walls, the furniture inside it is mine, I have way too many cushions, I can leave clothes on the floor and no one complains. I can do what I want. I can sit in silence or play music, I have plenty of room to hang washing out. It’s my home. And it will sound silly, but its the one thing protecting me that I’m finally feeling like I can settle. And no its not because I’m to lazy to move, I just have loads of junk to get rid of from past 10 years and change can have a big effect on you especially when so much else is going on.

5So for now while I continue to ‘fix’ myself and work out what I want to do, I’m staying put, enjoying the comforts it brings and trying to read and work whilst sorting out the rubbish.

Thankyou for reading


I have always had this feeling of not fitting in, not knowing where I belong. Do I belong up north, do I belong here in Leeds or should I be somewhere entirely different. Should I be a leader or a follower. I wasn’t one of the popular ones at school. I wasn’t as bright as my sister but I was hardworking. I studied for months on my revision when teachers told me my mock grades. And I did better than expected. Teachers had said that I wouldn’t go far as I was too shy and quiet. I proved them wrong. I went to college, I nearly did a childcare course but the woman didn’t think I fitted in with her course so I did art. Then the art teacher in the second year was a snob.

At home, Dad was always in moods, then my sister had problems with ill-health and I felt that I shouldn’t be seen or heard and just got on with things. Like I said before Mum always knew when I was struggling. I wasn’t neglected.

“In fact, fitting in is the greatest barrier to belonging. Fitting in, I’ve discovered during the past decade of research, is assessing situations and groups of people, then twisting yourself into a human pretzel in order to get them to let you hang out with them. Belonging is something else entirely—it’s showing up and letting yourself be seen and known as you really are—love of gourd painting, intense fear of public speaking and all.”

hh‘As a business owner though you should always be looking to stand out.  You should be desperate to shout from the rooftops about your business.  Getting noticed is the name of the game.  Fitting in and being just like the other businesses in your market is a recipe for disaster.

Strive for uniqueness. Dare to be different, expand your comfort zones and enjoy the spoils of not being just one of the crowd.


Lately I’ve been feeling like I don’t fit in anywhere, and I was doing things that others do without realising so that I could fit in. I was told not to that I should be myself and not try to fit in, just be me. That’s all they wanted. Yet sometimes I don’t know who me is. I have felt like I am waking up, like I’m feeling alive but then I get this sudden panic that things are going to go wrong or that people aren’t impressed in my work or my book groups or me. Just me. and then I stress.

Recently I got called weird, as I liked simple things like someone buying me coffee or a new gadget, I also got called a ‘saddo’ for getting very giddy over the latest Colin Firth film on DVD. I’m hoping that they are jealous that I just treated myself but I very much doubt it.

I am also annoyed with myself for feeling this way. Because my life has been so busy these past six months and have changed for the better, I am grateful for the support of my friends and family, for the job I have, for the book clubs I attended. I’m actually pretty lucky yet, I still have this nagging feeling of wanting to belong to something. Daft I know. But sometimes bad habits are hard to break.

Thank you for reading


“Here’s to the crazy ones, the misfits, the rebels, the troublemakers, the round pegs in the square holes… the ones who see things differently — they’re not fond of rules… You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them, but the only thing you can’t do is ignore them because they change things… they push the human race forward, and while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius, because the ones who are crazy enough to think that they can change the world, are the ones who do.” – Steve Jobs