So another year another anniversary. 5 years of being single. There has been brief relationships/dates that unfortunately didn’t work out and I find myself at 35 no hubby, no children and no pets. Just me in a big house with lots of books and crap.
It has only been in the past year and changing jobs 4 times and going through those different experiences that I find that I’m finally waking up as me. That I feel human again. Sounds daft I know, but a few people have mentioned it to. I have always, always tried my best to fit in. At home growing up, there was Dad in his own little world, Mum had to sometimes concentrate on Jane and I would help, but Mum always knew when I was struggling and knew I had a stubborn independent streak, but I always felt I shouldn’t be a burden, not that I was, I don’t think. Then School, I hated comprehensive, going from junior school where we all had our best friends were one big happy group and then we got separated and it was such a scary place I just didn’t fit in at all, especially after I was ill in assembly. I ended up spending most of my school days alone.
College fared better, then I left home and became independent for real. And I think that’s when it makes you think that you don’t need help or that you don’t think you should ask for it. You want to prove you can do it on your own and you don’t want to fail. Similar to when I moved into this house. Again in October it will be 5 years of me and these four walls. I’ve got what I always wanted in a sense, a home, with objects in it, where I can hide away after a long day at work, I’m just not sharing it with anyone that’s all.
“I don’t like to be labeled as lonely just because I am alone.” – Delta Burke
People think that certain goals should be reached by certain, I agree, I thought by now I would have a good career (which I do) 2 kids (don’t have) be married with a house and possibly a dog or two, but sadly I’m not, I’m single, I’m coping with depression, I work full-time and I try to maintain a home (rented), which sometimes isn’t easy. Like I’ve said before, bills aren’t halved, food shopping can be tedious, food goes to waste when you either don’t eat it quick enough or forget its there, and the fairies don’t do the washing up no matter how long you leave the dishes in the sink.
I would like to meet someone, but my heart is still holding me back after all this time, It’s not just people you want to spend the rest of your life with that can break your heart, its friends and family to, and mine seems to have locked itself away for the time being not willing to trust anyone to look after it except me, sounds daft and I can hear you all shouting get over it! move on! I have, I’m still here and living life, but if I did meet anyone they would have to deal with my love of book club and Mr Darcy/Colin Firth and an abundance of other stuff. But especially Mr Darcy – see here
So if someone you know is single, please avoid the dreaded question of ‘how’s your love life?’ because if they had one you’d be the first to know.
Thank you for reading