So another year another anniversary. 5 years of being single. There has been brief relationships/dates that unfortunately didn’t work out and I find myself at 35 no hubby, no children and no pets. Just me in a big house with lots of books and crap.
work work work
It has only been in the past year and changing jobs 4 times and going through those different experiences that I find that I’m finally waking up as me. That I feel human again. Sounds daft I know, but a few people have mentioned it to. I have always, always tried my best to fit in. At home growing up, there was Dad in his own little world, Mum had to sometimes concentrate on Jane and I would help, but Mum always knew when I was struggling and knew I had a stubborn independent streak, but I always felt I shouldn’t be a burden, not that I was, I don’t think. Then School, I hated comprehensive, going from junior school where we all had our best friends were one big happy group and then we got separated and it was such a scary place I just didn’t fit in at all, especially after I was ill in assembly. I ended up spending most of my school days alone.
College fared better, then I left home and became independent for real. And I think that’s when it makes you think that you don’t need help or that you don’t think you should ask for it. You want to prove you can do it on your own and you don’t want to fail. Similar to when I moved into this house. Again in October it will be 5 years of me and these four walls. I’ve got what I always wanted in a sense, a home, with objects in it, where I can hide away after a long day at work, I’m just not sharing it with anyone that’s all.
“I don’t like to be labeled as lonely just because I am alone.” – Delta Burke
People think that certain goals should be reached by certain, I agree, I thought by now I would have a good career (which I do) 2 kids (don’t have) be married with a house and possibly a dog or two, but sadly I’m not, I’m single, I’m coping with depression, I work full-time and I try to maintain a home (rented), which sometimes isn’t easy. Like I’ve said before, bills aren’t halved, food shopping can be tedious, food goes to waste when you either don’t eat it quick enough or forget its there, and the fairies don’t do the washing up no matter how long you leave the dishes in the sink.
I would like to meet someone, but my heart is still holding me back after all this time, It’s not just people you want to spend the rest of your life with that can break your heart, its friends and family to, and mine seems to have locked itself away for the time being not willing to trust anyone to look after it except me, sounds daft and I can hear you all shouting get over it! move on! I have, I’m still here and living life, but if I did meet anyone they would have to deal with my love of book club and Mr Darcy/Colin Firth and an abundance of other stuff. But especially Mr Darcy – see here
So if someone you know is single, please avoid the dreaded question of ‘how’s your love life?’ because if they had one you’d be the first to know.
“It is a mistake to look too far ahead. Only one link to the chain of destiny can be handled at a time.” -Sir Winston Churchill
Goodbye April, hello May. Last week we saw World Book Night come and go. I didn’t realise how much planning goes into an event until I took this on. I have no regrets. I loved organising it and I got good feedback. Hopefully it’ll inspire people to come to book club or to read more, or both. I’m proud of what we achieved, there was books and cake and lots of chatting and a good buzz about the place. So a thank you again to all involved.
In the last few months my memory has become worse again. 4 years ago when everything changed the first thing to go was my memory, the short-term part of it, I’d go into a room and forget what I was looking for. Apparently it was stress related and was my body reacting to what was going on. A coping mechanism, but not a helpful one.
Best bit was when I put the TV remote in the sink, I must have thought it was a cup. Another time I’ve put the coffee in the fridge and the margarine in the cupboard. Lately it’s been happening again, things going missing, or moving. For the life of me I don’t remember moving stuff. The other day I lost some clothing, only for it to turn up in a cupboard the next day. I was nearly in tears. I do my best to make notes/lists, but I either lose them or they get moved. I’ve even tried different foods, so I’m starting to think the change in medication may be the cause.
Depression and memory loss. Stress, anxiety or depression can cause forgetfulness, confusion, difficulty concentrating and other problems that disrupt daily activities. Although older people may sometimes experience memory loss it is not an inevitable part of getting older. Short-term memory loss may be prompted by a difficult time you are going through, such as bereavement, or being worried about something. Once this period has passed, concentration and memory difficulties should also improve.
It’s really scary not being able to remember things, especially if I’m busy. I have to get the physical object and put it out in the hope it will remind me, or I keep clicking my fingers to jog my memory, people just think I’m making a tune and doesn’t always work. I’ve also struggled with reading at times. I’m finding I’m slower and slower these days or I get words mixed up. Another thing that isn’t helping is my hormone imbalance, thanks to a new pill. Supposed to sort my ‘lady pains’ and it gets changed so I’m in pain on and off and while it settles down, I’m having them silly girly moments of wanting to cry over nothing. Or getting frustrated really quickly. Thank goodness I can see the signs. I just feel like an erratic old lady at the moment screaming ‘DON’T FAIL ME NOW!’.
Have you heard of the black dog? dealing with depression?
Mine I think appeared this week as a big black shadow looming over me. Yet a day off and playing with lego with my friend and her sons and knowing the support is there finally sunk in last night and I finally felt better today, and silly for letting myself feel/get so low. I didn’t realise it had got to me again. I think because my memory had got so bad on Monday and trying to do too much in such a short space of time with no help got me muddled up and things went awry that it felt everything was untangling and I couldn’t do anything about it. But that was just me over thinking and not stopping and breathing and focusing on the task in hand. It’s funny that we don’t notice our breathing when stressed. It can become shorter and rapid and then your brain loses power. So you need to kick-start it again. Probably why we have mid afternoon slumps you know.
Don’t you think this year is flying by? It’s now May and there’s been talk of people buying Christmas presents already!!! I mean really, it’s only 5 months into the year and already the dread of it is rearing its ugly head. I just want to concentrate on the here and now. I have a charity walk in 3 weeks, and focusing on raising money on that, after all my energy had gone into World Book Night, now its time to do some charity work. I had wanted to do the York 10k run and raise money for another charity, but I may reconsider it and do it next year. Although I do tend to start running again soon, just need to sort my health out and feel ready to pound the streets again. I’m a different shape these days and carry more weight so feel more self-conscious about the way I run 😀
On another note, I’ve been looking at ways to save money gain more time. I’d love to have the energy to be able to do all the projects I have plus sit down for hours on end and read a book without feeling guilty. It’s just the lack of concentration and the restlessness that’s stops me doing it, I have to do it in chunks or I feel like I’m going crazy.
Spend money/time with books
Book are always going to be something different with each reader that turns its’ pages. It is a completely different experience using your imagination to put the author’s words into images in your head. Books won’t ever require you to turn them on, charge them or restart them. They are things you can pass down from generation to generation. It is a much different experience to sit somewhere, with a book in hand, with absolutely no distractions. Books are portals to explore completely different worlds with a turn of a page.
“An unfulfilled vocation drains the color from a man’s existence.” -Honoré de Balzac
Being 35 and single can be seen as you have the plague. How dare I not have someone in my life. It can be seen as a lack of achievement. Society dictates that humans should be in pairs or they are not worth knowing. Females also shouldn’t be well advanced in technology, like today I got told I’m a whizz with a computer even if I do get my words mixed up. It’s what I know, it’s what I do. It’s like mentioning book club, people think you’re weird, when actually they might like it if they tried it, but are to scared to go anywhere on their own or into a strange environment. We live in a ‘no win’ society. it’s mad.
And to those who wonder why people are single, have you stopped to think it maybe by choice? That they don’t want someone to come in and muck-up their life, or to take their valued time away? To be in a relationship, takes time, work, courage, and the ability to think as a team and understand the responsibility of taking on someone else’s emotions. And as someone said to me the other week, would a relationship enrich your life in any way, my only reply, yes to save money. Not a good answer I think. 😀 I would love to have a relationship, someone to come home to, someone to tell my days tales to, sit and watch tv, go out for walks etc, but that person to me doesn’t exist. I have been led to believe it doesn’t even when I see friends and their other halves together. I’m crazy I know, but that’s how I see it. I’ll stick to my love of Colin Firth, my love of reading, the love of my family and friends. That’s all I need for now. So when someone isn’t acting the way you think they should or they seem to be out of sorts, don’t be quick to judge, check if they’re ok. And like to day like I did with two phone calls in the space of 10 mins, give back some ‘ranting time’ and listen to others. It makes the world of difference.
One last thing, this is how I would like to think I feel when not feeling down 😀 …….