What can I say. Being female doesn’t half have its ups and downs. Currently reducing my anti-depressants and my pill decides to play silly beggars. I started it 4 years ago to try stop the bad period pains that have plagued me. It worked to a point. If I got a stomach bug, a week later it would come back. I always remember the time at school when it all started and I’m not sure if mobile phones were around then, but it happened on a Thursday, and that was always the day Mum went food shopping. I remember feeling sick and having really bad stomach cramps. I ended up int he nurses room fast asleep with a hot water bottle until Mum could come and fetch me. Every month I had bad pains, I tried pineapple juice, eating pineapples, heat pads, raspberry tea. At the age of 19 being totally fed up of painkillers I went to the doctor who said there would be problems with the pill or I could have a baby but then it wasn’t guaranteed it would stop the period pains. I wondered what I’d do with the baby afterwards if I went down that route. I just started my HND and was away from home. So in the end carried on with heat pads and pain killers.
While at University I went to a doctor again and this time they sent me to a gynaecologist, Who I have to say wasn’t the gentlest of people. Turns out I am just unlucky and suffer from bad periods and built funny. Don’t ask. That didn’t solve anything until finally the best doctor i have ever had sorted it all out and I started on the pill, and it’s been brilliant. Still have bouts of PMT occasionally but other than that pain free months. But today for some reason I have back ache and feel really emotional. And really silly to boot.
I have been my old self and beating myself up about it, I looked in my CBT folder, I forgot how much work we did and also that it was only a year ago, It feels so much longer. This afternoon when heading out I felt really frumpy. I just felt like i looked like Mr Marshmallow man. But that’s all in my head. I kept telling myself, rational thinking girl, come on stop being silly. That and meeting up with two friends either side of the day just made me realise that I have to slow down a bit, I need to give myself time to adjust. I do so much now, running book clubs, being back in my old manager’s job and the one thing I always forget living alone and running a house. These are all big things and take more energy than I think.
These days everyone is looking for ways to fix things. Either saying things we think people want to hear, or telling them to ‘pull their socks up’ constantly looking at phones or posting statuses or Facebook that require some one to say ‘what’s up babe’ with the irritating reply of ‘I’ll inbox ya’ aaaaaaarrrrrrggggghhhh.
Me? I bottle it all up. Watch girly films and clean. If I’m to silent on social networks or mention the other my sister instantly knows somethings wrong. It’s ace. I just need to do some more writing and more exercise and learn how to sit still and not feel guilty. That’s my goal with 2015 because I know I have a great support network. I just need some time out. And like someone said today, the thing I will miss most will always be there for me. I hope so.
Thank you for reading