Yesterday I got asked, If I was happy being single and would I not like to be in a relationship. Firstly I didn’t choose to be single, when I think about it now the relationship was coming to an end, both our lives were changing I was leaving uni and going onto full-time work and the ex had to stay on and do another year. It was stuff, I was beginning to be independent again and bringing in a full-time wage, while he sat and fannied about at home supposedly studying. Then he went off to do some volunteering at a conservation place and he started making frineds and that’s where he found his new girlfriend.
From that moment on my world was turned upside down and with it being halloween and all I find it quite apt to be describing myself as a zombie. I literally just died and was walking through the motions. People kept telling me what to do or suggested it and I just went along with it. I just didn’t care anymore. I struggled for so long for a male to love me for who I was and not blame me for the way they felt and I thoguht I found him. He was my world.
These days I am my own world. I have just passed the 4 year mark of living on my own and I am very proud of myself. I still feel unsettled at times and would love company on an evening and someone to cook for me and do the washing up. But I’m not ready for a relationship and to take on someone else’s emotions. I don’t feel strong enough.
I have finally settled in a home, my home. I have it the way I want, after the ex kept saying to me ‘why are you buying stuff for the house, it’s not ours’ my reply was ‘because some day we will have one and we’ll be ready’. He finally came round to the idea of candles but now realise he may have been trying to hide his girlfriend’s perfume but that’s just a specualtion.
This year I have gone through 3 jobs and getting frustrated with the current one as my social life is getting affected. I’ve missed a few book clubs and people don’t realise what this means to me, that 3 evenings a month I am guranteed social contact. I can sit and discuss a book and nobody will jude me and I can not think about the empty house I will return to or the bills need paying or the fact when I go back to work in the morning nobody will be happy with their job.
“If we wait for the moment when everything, absolutely everything is ready, we shall never begin.”
and I’m doing my best not to get annoyed at how my social life and connecting with people is being affected by work this year….
“It is a truth universally acknowleged that as soon as one part of your life ans starts looking up, another part falls to pieces – BJ”
One of my favourite films is Bridget Jones Diary, and I love the fact that Colin’s character Mark Darcy says ‘I like you, just the way you are’ and Bridget can’t get over the fact that he accepts everything about her. I was told that this would never happen, that I’m living in a dream world. Well if I am then I am destined to be single. I have had enough of people blaming me for there feelings, moods, actions and I have been through quite a lot to actually feel like I’m me. I feel light, I feel happy. I lvoe to eb alone and have no music on and potter about the house, I love the fact I don’t have to try make conversation, there are only a few friend’s and family I can do this where we’re all comfortable just watching tv or reading a book. I Love the fact there’s just me to take care of and I can come and go as I please.
All I want at the moment, all I need at the moment, is a house of my own with a garden, so when it is sunny like this I can sit int he garden in my pj’s and read a book and drink coffee. I would also like a car so I could visit family and friend’s, but that’s all a dream to work on, my goal for 2015.
So please when you next see your single friend, please avoid the question ‘how’s your love life’. As to me it feels like I’ve failed in life because I don;t have this one thing. I haven’t. To be single and happy is the bravest and biggest thing I’ve done since passing my GCSE’S at 16 and my driving test 2 years ago.
Thank you for reading
‘I think we need to distinguish between being in love and being in a relationship. Some people have both, but I suspect that a lot of people are in a relationship without being truly in love, whether they know it or not.’ Dan, London see here for rest
and then I found this blog see here
‘All I’m saying is, until you’re really ready to be in a relationship, or until one is headed your way like a freight train (choo! choo! all aboard!), don’t worry about it. You’re not tethered. You’re not tied down. You’re also not pathetic! It’s not bleak. Being single rules. And I suspect many of our boo-ed up brethren would secretly agree.’