‘I have loved you for a thousand years’

Well what a way to end a week. completely exhausted due to work and varied shifts. Not complaining though as it does give me a bit of freedom if I can organise myself better. Gave myself a telling off and went to a friend’s party, which was bloody amazing. And got £15 unpaid redundancy money from 6 years ago. So I’m quite thankful this week

Today I’m at a friend’s house looking after his dog while He’s away and loving the fact there is a big kitchen, a garden and a very light airy living room. I’ve been out with the dog twice and have loved being out in the open space. Who’d have thought there would be so much green area in a large city. I feel like i’m noticing things more.

I’ve also eaten a load of chocolate mini rolls, think the hormones have kicked in today, and about to eat a large pizza. Really need to rethink my diet. Plus there’s loads of food in my freezer that needs eating. It’s just finding the motivation to cook it. Being on your own can sometimes mean not bothering to cook or clean or even iron. I don’t iron. I used to then someone broke it out of me and now I rarely do.

I’ve been able to read today. I have just sat on the sofa, telly on in the background, dog laid down the side of the sofa and its been so good. I’ve been reading a teenagers guide to stress and I realised i am actually doing the things it says in the book to cope and wished I had had this when I was younger.  I could talk to my Mum, but I wish I was able to find someone else to talk to. I used to bottle it up and then it would all come tumbling out. I still do this sometimes. Mostly in the last couple of years, when I’ve felt like something screaming inside wanting to be heard but not sure how to go about it.

If you’ve read my blog before you’ll know I’ve had issues with certain people of the male variety. One being my Dad, I get so angry when i think about how he used to treat me and how others picked up on this and went the same route. I would always been blamed for something or other and I didn’t need to be in the room. I always felt worthless. I always felt the need to be strong to be hidden, to not make a sound to not cause trouble. My sister went through a period of being ill, no fault of her own, but it would, mean emergency trips to hospital and once or twice I was left alone. My dad for ages wouldn’t go with mum to the doctors or hospital when Jane was ill, but this one time she was really bad and he insisted on going and I just shouted, both go I’ll be ok, and when they had gone I sat on the floor with our dog Keegan and cried (miss him so much, he was our first dog.)

I went to a friend’s yesterday after work, She had planned a party and I went to her last one and it was amazing, met some amazing people and it led to me going to Park Run in Hyde Park where i met even more amazing people and got me back into photography.

I had said during the week when feeling terrible after a 7 hour shift that I wasn’t going to make it but then I saw her in town and i thought i must go. I will only end up sitting on my own at home and what’s the point of that. I’m so glad I did as I went straight from work and got to spend some time with her. We had a good catch up before everyone came and she said, like my Mum that I need to see in myself what others do, how much I can do, what I do for others and what a fab person I am. So that’s my mission. This is my set of goals for next 5 years:

*Spend as much time with friends and family

* Own a car

*Own a house, it must be a lighter house and have a small garden to sit in at the end of a long day

*move house by june next year (rented)

* Run. Possibly do another York 10k

* Spread the word about book club

I know most are material things but I need somewhere that I can chill in on my day off. I really don’t fancy going back into town when I’ve had a busy working week. I just want to lounge about and read books, or clean the house or sort out stuff for book club or learn something new.

So that’s me. I’m starting to feel comfortable in my own skin. What I need to do is to find time for me half an hour a day to reflect on me and who I am and the positive things that are going on right now and what other things that need sorting and when. And to remember to continue my techniques when I get stressed to concentrate on my breathing and if chance to clean, as one day I will run again and that will sort all that out.

Thank you for reading xxx

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