You know what thought did? ….

“He followed a muck cart and thought it was a wedding”.

“Assumptions are dangerous things to make, and like all dangerous things to make — bombs, for instance, or strawberry shortcake — if you make even the tiniest mistake you can find yourself in terrible trouble. Making assumptions simply means believing things are a certain way with little or no evidence that shows you are correct, and you can see at once how this can lead to terrible trouble. For instance, one morning you might wake up and make the assumption that your bed was in the same place that it always was, even though you would have no real evidence that this was so. But when you got out of your bed, you might discover that it had floated out to sea, and now you would be in terrible trouble all because of the incorrect assumption that you’d made. You can see that it is better not to make too many assumptions, particularly in the morning.”

― Lemony Snicket, The Austere Academy

“You should never assume. You know what happens when you assume. You make an ass out of you and me because that’s how it’s spelled.”

― Ellen DeGeneres

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Just got Murder She Wrote on in the background and find myself saying out loud ‘He’s dead next’. Yesterday my phone goes off with the Penfold sound saying ‘Crumbs what do we do next chief’ and I turned round and said ‘I don’t know’

Sorry I’ve started off on a ramble. I’ve felt like that most the day, nerves building up for telephone interviews and realising how tight things are about to become and how the phrase ‘I’m climbing the walls being in all this time’ I need to get out and work off some of that excess energy. Hence the reason for walking in and out of Leeds today even though the climb back almost killed me.

I’ve been cramming as much information as possible in to try to do my best at interviews but to be honest I’m doing really badly. Or at least it feels that way. Its like you’re applying to be the Queen/King and everything I’m applying for wants to know everything but your knicker size and then making me feel like I’m back at school waiting to be picked in a game of rounders during P.E. but always being the last as I wasn’t a good runner and couldn’t bat the ball never mind catch it. I’d always be the one who ran out to the field as a fielder so I didn’t need to catch it. Although I have never been interrogated about anything I do feel like I’m being penalized for being unemployed and nervous. ‘Why should we pick you Miss Carr?’ ‘You do know we are a massive company and I’m reading a cue card to do this interview and talk to you like you were 5, now tell me why you want to work for us.’

I just want to be given a break and for someone to recognise what I can do for people. I know its down to how I promote myself because if I don’t tell them they won’t know. Never assume.

Like my sister says I need to be back in work to be around other people. I live on my own and I’ve realised recently (others probably have seen it already) How I suddenly can get verbal diarrhea when I see someone and everything comes out at once and with the way I talk so fast and get my stories mixed up as I forget pieces. My Uncle accidentally rang me and felt he couldn’t talk as I was busy, he lives on his own to and said how the fact you see some of your friends and family and can’t stop talking but I haven’t talked to him in a long time and tried to reassure him but I don’t think it worked, I need to talk more to my family, I tend to avoid it, because I don’t want to let them know I’m not doing well or afraid I’ve let them down in some way, I do that with a lot of my family, I tend to fb, email or text them to avoid them hearing the tone in my voice,  I never really talk and I should.

Oh and my biggest gripe of the day, bloody cyclists riding on paths and not letting people know and I nearly got knocked over twice and then the other which is women’s fashion,  I got an interview next week and thought I better go find a suit, and guess what? it’s the wrong bloody time of the year, it’s summer so we all need bikinis and t-shirts and wrap around dresses worn with luminous neon coloured sandals. Grrrrrrrr! To be fair I tried three shops and ended up just walking back home as I couldn’t bear the thought of parting with money I don’t have, but I’ll try again on Friday as I do need something. Part of me just wanted to go home and hide under the cushions. I thought it was time to have a break and not do anything regarding information gathering or reading. So I wanted to just write everything down and empty my head.

‘it was in the studio with the trophy and the white glove was under the plant’

On the way back I forgot I needed milk for coffee, it helps me think, but I realised how much I had been drinking by the amount of cups needed to be washed up. I have a vast collection for someone on their own. I seem to have 15. Not sure why and each one has a meaning . Perhaps I should have a coffee party. Like Alice in Wonderland but with coffee. I have tea but I’m not very good at making tea, people tend to drink it just to be nice and I love them for it.

I popped into the library to see if there was a book for a challenge I was doing last year, I returned another and found my reservation for book club was ready, so I thought I’ll check if this book is here then go ask the librarian for the reserved one, as I got around the corner the lovely lady had it ready and I hadn’t even asked she recognized me, she said its good to see people borrowing books rather than using the computers, I thought that was very sad. The one in Holbeck closed and is now a post office with no sign of it ever being a library. It’s so sad. A post about it here http://wp.me/p1dT4g-72

Anyway enough of the babbling &  rambling, I have been so pleased at how I have dealt with things lately and thought ‘I can do this’ then one little thing ( a rude interviewer who quite clearly couldn’t be bothered) just sent me on a dip. That’s when I decided I needed to get out the house and just get some fresh air. I need to sit down and write out everything. What bills are due what money I have what I need to do to support myself, how the job centre can help. All these things I want to do in the future like move house (although I finally feel settled) Get a car, buy a whole new wardrobe and most of all go out partying!!!!!

I’ve done the positive thinking thing, I’ve done the breathing techniques and its just ended up being me saying ‘take it day by day’ and then PANIC! I don’t know what to believe anymore. I just know I love what I’m doing with bookclub, I love I have my passion for photography back, I just want to get out there and do more. Jump in the car and do/go wherever I want. Lets hope I can do it,

Thank you for reading

xxx

p.s. If you have toothache and are not registered with the dentist be prepared for a two month wait, I tried three today and they said I could register but to get in there would be a two – three month wait. I hope the toothache goes away soon. 😦

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