As another week disappears and we head almost to the middle of the year, I’m wondering what the hell has happened and why all of a sudden I keep saying ‘my boyfriend at the time’ As if he still means something to me and he doesn’t, it just makes me angry that I’m thinking about him and I know my subconscious is thinking about the ‘would be anniversary date’ and wondering why on earth my brain is punishing me like this.
People keep mentioning how ‘chirpy’ or how well I’m coping with losing out on a job and losing yet another one in 4 months, that I’ve simply not just fallen apart. Good question. I’m not sure myself but I’m beginning to think something inside me is fighting. I know its down to the support of friends and family but the main point is CBT. How I’ve changed my way of thinking and how deep down something is keeping me fighting even though sometimes I really don’t want to. Oh I’ve picked up on the signs, like not being able to concentrate on things, accumilating more crap when I’m trying to clear out. Going to work extra early just to distract myself and also try to finish all the projects I’ve started.
When That’s Entertainment was open in the St Johns Centre in Leeds I got myself a collection of films I’ve never seen. Such as Goodfellas, Gangs of New York and Fightclub (shusssh don’t mention it. damn I already did)
Tonight I found my ideal comfort food, Tomato soup and cheese sandwiches. After a joke on Twitter I decided I had to finally get around to seeing it. I don’t know if I have seen it and forgotten but I know it still shocked me and almost jumped behind the sofa. Perhaps should have not watched it on my own, my jaw hit the ground I can tell you.
The following section is about the book/and film and contains swearing (sorry)
The book:” Fight Club is a 1996 novel by Chuck Palahniuk. The plot is based around an unnamed protagonist who struggles with his growing discomfort with consumerism and changes in the state of masculinity in American culture. In an attempt to overcome this, he creates an underground fighting club as a radical form of psychotherapy.
“Fight Club is a 1999 film about an unnamed protagonist who struggles with his increasing issue with consumerism and changes in the state of masculinity in American culture. In an attempt to overcome this, he creates an underground fighting club as a radical form of psychotherapy.”
“Directed by David Fincher. Written by Jim Uhls. Based on the novel by Chuck Palahniuk.- Mischief. Mayhem. Soap”
Tyler Durden: It’s only after we’ve lost everything that we’re free to do anything.
We’re consumers. We are by-products of a lifestyle obsession.
- The things you own end up owning you.
Reject the basic assumptions of civilization, especially the importance of material possessions.
“Man, I see in fight club the strongest and smartest men who’ve ever lived. I see all this potential, and I see squandering. God damn it, an entire generation pumping gas, waiting tables; slaves with white collars. Advertising has us chasing cars and clothes, working jobs we hate so we can buy shit we don’t need. We’re the middle children of history, man. No purpose or place. We have no Great War. No Great Depression. Our Great War’s a spiritual war…our Great Depression is our lives. We’ve all been raised on television to believe that one day we’d all be millionaires, and movie gods, and rock stars. But we won’t. And we’re slowly learning that fact. And we’re very, very pissed off.”
Only after disaster can we be resurrected.
[Talking to himself about himself] Hey, you created me…take some responsibility!
Hitting bottom isn’t a weekend retreat. It’s not a goddamn seminar. Stop trying to control everything and just let go! LET GO!
That last line hit me and I just thought, YES! that’s it! I’ve always felt I’ve needed to control things but never really had control. That’s why everything seems like such a battle.
One thing I said to someone today, don’t feel bad about how you feel because you think someone has more problems then you. Yes in a sense its true. But that’s not a reason to beat yourself up for feeling down. We’re only human and all we can do is recognise when we feel sad and realise it will pass and if it doesn’t do what I do and tell myself off, out loud. 😀
I need to rest I know that much but to do that I need to be able to settle. So perhaps I need to take it slowly and continue what I’m doing and not beat myself up if it doesn’t work the way it should/or wanted to.
Thank you for reading