Monthly Archives: May 2014

The first rule of …………… you must not talk about ……………

As another week disappears and we head almost to the middle of the year, I’m wondering what the hell has happened and why all of a sudden I keep saying ‘my boyfriend at the time’ As if he still means something to me and he doesn’t, it just makes me angry that I’m thinking about him and I know my subconscious is thinking about the ‘would be anniversary date’ and wondering why on earth my brain is punishing me like this.

People keep mentioning how ‘chirpy’ or how well I’m coping with losing out on a job and losing yet another one in 4 months, that I’ve simply not just fallen apart. Good question. I’m not sure myself but I’m beginning to think something inside me is fighting. I know its down to the support of friends and family but the main point is CBT. How I’ve changed my way of thinking and how deep down something is keeping me fighting even though sometimes I really don’t want to. Oh I’ve picked up on the signs, like not being able to concentrate on things, accumilating more crap when I’m trying to clear out. Going to work extra early just to distract myself and also try to finish all the projects I’ve started.

When That’s Entertainment was open in the St Johns Centre in Leeds I got myself a collection of films I’ve never seen. Such as Goodfellas, Gangs of New York and Fightclub (shusssh don’t mention it. damn I already did)

Tonight I found my ideal comfort food, Tomato soup and cheese sandwiches. After a joke on Twitter I decided I had to finally get around to seeing it. I don’t know if I have seen it and forgotten but I know it still shocked me and almost jumped behind the sofa. Perhaps should have not watched it on my own,  my jaw hit the ground I can tell you.

The following section is about the book/and film and contains swearing (sorry)

The book:” Fight Club is a 1996 novel by Chuck Palahniuk. The plot is based around an unnamed protagonist who struggles with his growing discomfort with consumerism and changes in the state of masculinity in American culture. In an attempt to overcome this, he creates an underground fighting club as a radical form of psychotherapy.

The Film: 
“Fight Club is a 1999 film about an unnamed protagonist who struggles with his increasing issue with consumerism and changes in the state of masculinity in American culture. In an attempt to overcome this, he creates an underground fighting club as a radical form of psychotherapy.”

“Directed by David Fincher. Written by Jim Uhls. Based on the novel by Chuck Palahniuk.- Mischief. Mayhem. Soap”

Tyler Durden: It’s only after we’ve lost everything that we’re free to do anything.
 We’re consumers. We are by-products of a lifestyle obsession.

The things you own end up owning you.


Reject the basic assumptions of civilization, especially the importance of material possessions.

“Man, I see in fight club the strongest and smartest men who’ve ever lived. I see all this potential, and I see squandering. God damn it, an entire generation pumping gas, waiting tables; slaves with white collars. Advertising has us chasing cars and clothes, working jobs we hate so we can buy shit we don’t need. We’re the middle children of history, man. No purpose or place. We have no Great War. No Great Depression. Our Great War’s a spiritual war…our Great Depression is our lives. We’ve all been raised on television to believe that one day we’d all be millionaires, and movie gods, and rock stars. But we won’t. And we’re slowly learning that fact. And we’re very, very pissed off.”

Only after disaster can we be resurrected.

[Talking to himself about himself] Hey, you created me…take some responsibility!

Hitting bottom isn’t a weekend retreat. It’s not a goddamn seminar. Stop trying to control everything and just let go! LET GO!


That last line hit me and I just thought, YES! that’s it! I’ve always felt I’ve needed to control things but never really had control. That’s why everything seems like such a battle.

One thing I said to someone today, don’t feel bad about how you feel because you think someone has more problems then you. Yes in a sense its true. But that’s not a reason to beat yourself up for feeling down. We’re only human and all we can do is recognise when we feel sad and realise it will pass and if it doesn’t do what I do and tell myself off, out loud. 😀

I need to rest I know that much but to do that I need to be able to settle. So perhaps I need to take it slowly and continue what I’m doing and not beat myself up if it doesn’t work the way it should/or wanted to.

Thank you for reading



My bucket list (of sorts)

“bucket list

noun: bucket list; plural noun: bucket lists
a number of experiences or achievements that a person hopes to have or accomplish during their lifetime.
“making this trip is the first thing on my bucket list”
early 21st century: from the phrase kick the bucket ‘die’ (see kick1), popularized by the 2007 film The Bucket List .”
Some of these are from a previous post which I haven’t conquered yet:

1. To get fitness back and start running again. I want to do at least one more York 10k

2. To be clutter free ….. Hoarding often runs in families and can frequently accompany other mental health disorders, like depression, social anxiety, bipolar disorder, and impulse control problems. A majority of people with compulsive hoarding can identify another family member who has the problem. Apparently CBT can help so I need to get back on top of this see here and here

3. Eventually have own home and have a library with a sofa and cushions, a pantry and a large kitchen and garden

4. Become debt free. (may require a small miracle)

5. Read at least 4 books a month, and at least one of them has to be a classic. Then write a review. (Not happened yet)

6. Be able to own a car again & just go visiting people and places at a drop of a hat 🙂

7. Embrace single life (sort of)

8. Make someone smile at least once a day

9. Have a holiday in UK on my own without visiting friends and family

10. Get a passport and go travelling. See the sights. See Ireland, Paris & Italy & possibly Austrailia. Maybe needing a kindle by then (cringes)

11. Get a psychic reading done

12. Send a message in a bottle

13. Go on a Ghost walk/tour

14. Feel able to draw more and not be scared its rubbish

15. Fall in love… I may have watched too many lovey-dovey films but I still believe its out there

16. Let my family & friends know how much they mean to me

17. Go to the Harry Potter Theme park….because I love the books so much

18. Prove I’m not worthless

19. To see Jane Austen’s house and Roald Dahl’s shed

20. Help Mum redecorate her house

21. Be as happy as I can be

This is my list, its not massive its probably not what everyone expects. Its more to help me grow as a person and to have this as a checklist is just something to help me. If you have any suggestions let me know.

Thank you for reading


Da Da daaaaaaa!!!!!!

It’s bank holiday weekend and I’m back at mine after staying at  friends to help dog sit and also get fed properly. My friends were looking after their neighbours dogs and asked if I could help on Saturday. I jumped at the chance because I always feel refreshed once I’ve been there. Sometimes being in my own house everything starts to weigh down on me and with any situation if you step away from it for a bit you’ll find you can tackle the problems better no matter how small.

Da Da Da!

So after seeing the trailer billions of times on one of my DVD’s I finally get to see the Croods and since then all I can do is ‘da da da’ (see above its so cute)

It’s been two hours since I got back and as usual got pretty much nothing done apart from putting some washing on and doing a bit of food shopping. pah! I need to job search, tidy the house and design some booklets so I can show people my photographs and stuff. I also have a lot to catch up with book club but at least my homework for Puffins is done ahead of schedule, now’s a chance for me to read what I want, but there’s two much to choose from eeekkkkkssss!!!

So (keep starting with that word) I need to get going get house clean, and get down to some work. Lots to do and need to be a bit more strict with myself.

Have a good bank holiday if I don’t blog later

Thank you for reading


How not to get your work done: Part one

Drop everything for a chance to go to IKEA as you haven’t been in months and come back with a table (normally candles)

A suggestion to look around Ikea ended up in a spark of inspiration and unexpected purchase after a table hunt, I love it! I put it together alll by myself in about 20mins and its still standing.

At least now I can have a spot near the window and feel like I’m getting some work done.

This was my to do list today

Morning progess:

* Jazz up CV – X

* Clean house – 80%

* Get cooking oil and buns from shop 

* Dig self out of pit of despair – status bar still loading

* Get washing down – still on round 1 now 2 (16:13)

This afternoon

*CV -x

*Job hunt -x

*Sort bag out for tomorrow -x

* Decide what photos to get printed -x

*Finish book -Curious Incident of dog in night time -x

*Enjoy a bit of sunshine –

What not mean’t to do:

* Have laptop in 3 feet feet area of where superglue is incase it expodes and drops land on screen and leaves residue all over it *idiot*

* Eat a whole pack of chocolate biscuits because of the above happening

 * got to IKEA and buy a table, but it was so much fun!

One sunny Sunday morning

Well what a week. First I lose something that I love doing then I lose my job followed by all sorts of other things that make me feel like I’m back at school and my teacher telling me I’m not good enough and that I wouldn’t go far. I then go on to share something on Facebook without realising truly what offence it caused and all hell breaks loose. Silly stupid me.

Yesterday I decided to do something for me, and spent the whole day in and out of the house taking camera equipment around Leeds. I also went down the the bridge by the docks and put a few locks on with special messgaes. I would show you now but as we everything this week, my sd card reader broke and I can’t transfer the pictures across.

Yesterday I felt fine, I was buzzing completely happy, trying not to think about what is going to happen in these next few weeks and the impending doom of unemployment. Last time I went to the job centre they were completely rude and said I was over qualified and most likely not to get help. I’ve heard things from my sister to about how they treat you and I am really not looking forward to that. So today I am feeling like I’m in the pit of despair

In the meantime today is planned to be ‘sort my life out and redo CV day’ so far I have taken my camera out, made a bacon butty and tried to dig myself out of this depressing mood. So far it’s not working and I’m sat on the doorstep with my laptop writing this and moaning to the world. 😀

On the plus side I’m proud of how I pulled myself back together this week, I did feel like I had hit rock bottom again, but what good would that do. I’ve had an amazing time these last few months and there’s a smile back on my face, and I’ve been the most creative I’ve ever been in years, so I must enjoy while I can. I just need to stop getting used by negative people and try my hardest to succeed again. I would much rather someone give me a break but I don’t think that’s in my destiny or whatever you call it.

So to Sunday, let’s get the house sorted, get that set of shelving down and get job hunting. After all I do have one of the best book clubs in Leeds 😀 (Puffins)

Thank you for reading


Logo-ing Mad!

*blushing~* and beaming with pride*


Otherwise known as

Your task…should you choose to accept it…

It actually all began a few years ago when the amazing Amy of Tiger Tea Illustration drew up an amazing poster for the LBC White Swan World Book Night event.

It’s a swan. With a book. And a HAT!!!


All the awesome!

I was so impressed – it captures our book club ‘feel’ so well and I have no skills whatsoever in this area so to me…Amy is basically a magic person.

Then yesterday, our own equally amazing Helen (@isfromupnorth, Hello from Me to You) created a new logo for her LBC club – LBC Puffins (that’s the one where adults read children’s books).

As you can see, it’s turned out pretty bloody marvelously.

LBC Puffins Logo

And look at how happy the Puffin is to be reading?!? And again, I’m just spun out by how many talented people are…

View original post 249 more words

Logo for bookclub

I’ve been wanting to do this for ages, and whether we decide to use it or not I quite like it. Needs some work not sure on the text but I’m quite proud of it I’ve enjoyed being sat here watching Princess bride and colouring in. I must invest in a graphics tab at some point. would be easier to colour in on the computer with a pen. ImageScan0013


UPDATE: 11/5/14

I linked this blog to FB and a lovely guy called Roel Veldhuyzen (unkown to me)

did a vector version of my logo! It’s so amazing! I have edited it slightly as I am a bit fussy and I feel bad about that but it looks so cool!!!

10257463_10202646299412861_8965296393319101868_o ta da


Enid Blyton Challenge Bonus Book -First term at Malory Towers


About the book

The Malory Towers series has been enormously popular with girls — and no doubt many boys too! — ever since the publication of the first book in 1946.

Malory Towers is a girls’ boarding school located in picturesque surroundings by the sea in Cornwall. A castle-like building on the cliffs, it boasts four round towers (North, South, East and West) and a courtyard, as well as a swimming-pool amid the rocks which is filled with seawater by the tides.

Heroine Darrell Rivers (named after Kenneth Darrell Waters, Enid Blyton’s second husband) arrives at Malory Towers at the age of twelve, excited and eager. Impressed by Headmistress Miss Grayling’s inspiring words of welcome, she determines to be one of Malory Towers’ successes.

However, things do not go as smoothly as she had envisaged. Her hot temper gets her into hot water on more than one occasion and she…

View original post 812 more words

The pitfalls of being happy

I’ve finally started to be creative again. I have tried to get myself to relax and sit still and sometimes I can’t read which is a bit frustrating. My sister bought me a book – how to draw monsters. It’s for kids but I love it. I’ve had the craft box out and I’ve been drawing. I then got a dragons/dinosaur/pirate books to copy from to keep me going. I might even attempt to draw a puffin but we’ll see.

I am beginning to lose count with the amount of people who keep falling out with me because I haven’t spoken to them in a while, been to busy learning a computer programme or just trying to get myself through everyday. I can’t understand why they are doing this or blaming me when I’ve told them countless times what I have on my plate and that if they need me, all they have to do is ring me. Do what my sister does. Ring me at 7am before I go to work. It stopped for a while because of issues I can’t discuss and I didn’t realise how much I missed it until Dangermouse started playing yesterday morning. I had to ring her at lunchtime yesterday for a pep talk, but we either text or facebook or something. Others seem to think I’ve fallen out with them or if I can’t do something due to work commitments, that I’m not interested any more. It is simply not that. I have so much on there’s only so much I can do and when things settle down then you will have my full attention, believe me. But for now I am having fun and hoping, really hoping that things are finally changing for the better.

GIMUNGUS car of joffee (yes thats what I said about it)

Last weekend I was at my friend’s who I hadn’t seen in a few weeks because I had to get some work out of the way and this is what she presented me with (lego keyring added for effect) Funniest thing was I had nearly run out and was wondering what to do about it and now I have a gigantic jar! Should keep me going for another month 😀

Yesterday I went into a charity shop, not sure why, but came out with 7 children’s books, two of which I needed the other because they were so pretty or might come in useful for bookclub. I found a beautifully illustrated version of Chitty Chitty Bang bang. see below.

Then today I went back to look at the vases, I was wondering if they had anything quirky and again got distracted by books and when I went to pay I ended up talking to the lady about bookclub and may have recruited another Puffin after she asked me to write all the details down. (so proud!)

So remember when someone else is happy, don’t get jealous, don’t get mad, with them if they lose touch for a while as you don’t know what journey they are on, plus what’s stopping you ringing them??? I mean half the time I want to fall asleep when I get home, I know others do so lets all make time for each other and send messages, ring, email,snail mail (took me 3 months to sort out making postcards ad sending one) Just keep in touch with each other and every so often reach out face-to-face or talking. Just don’t rely so much on texting (shudders) its where everything goes wrong.

Until next time!

Thank you for reading