I’ve been so busy these last few weeks sorting out an opportunity that could change my life forever if I were to get it. At the moment I’m panicking that I’ve put in all the effort but won’t get past stage one. OMG I’m on X-factor crossed with Sliding doors but without the singing. I just wish I knew which path I’ll end up on.
I was supposed to have a lazy day today but I’ve edited the radio show I do, such a laugh, I’ve had the cameras out twice (forgot to put film in the first time round) Cut the weeds down in the garden, washed up (very rarely do this) sorted out stuff for work tomorrow, scanned in my colour negatives, which were processed yesterday and I am so in love with them. Whist waiting for them I wasted time and went into a charity shop looking at books, turned round and there was a cabinet full of cameras. I saw the box brownie and nothing else, I didn’t care if it worked I just wanted to own it. I found later one of the mirrors was damaged but hey if the film still exposures I have a right little gem in my hands. (and breath)
I started watching Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire to try to get myself to sit still. I was still working away on the computer but at least it’s something. I have then sat and watched Avengers Assemble and in doing so dug out my Lego Loki keyring. I tweeted this and got told I was obsessed. My reply was ‘It’s probably why I’m still single. That and going through my computer, it dawned on me that I have been living in the same house for almost 4 years and next month I would have been single for that same time. Ouch.
In that time I’ve been to hell and back. No one can judge me on what that is as no one, no one knows what goes on behind closed doors or in someone else’s head, no matter how much you think you know them. The moment I realised that I was getting back to some kind of norm was when my sister said ‘Mum is happy, some of the old Helen is coming back’ She was right. The old Helen that enjoyed life, did take things too seriously sometimes but there was always that spark.
Now I have a few regrets but I have so much going for me right now that I have to just hold this feeling of content and if things don’t work out the way I want them to, well I’ve had a blast, and I’m grateful. At least I know there are other opportunities out there I just need to grab them.
I just want to say thank you to my Mum and Sister for their support. My friend Lynn and her family. Kirsty White for absolutely everything. Niamh and the book clubbers who attend all manners of groups and world book night. South Leeds Radio for giving me the opportunity to learn to produce a programme. If I’ve forgotten someone I’m sorry. I suppose I should thank myself for not giving up. For being determined to carry on even when it got tough, or to not let people bully me again. As someone said, I was beaten these last 8 months or so now I have the chance to forget all that and start a fresh. I may not have what I want in some ways, but I’m damn lucky to have what I do now.
I wrote this, and you have to be so careful what you write and publish these days but I wanted to see if anyone else has been in the same situation and let me know your thoughts.
Thank you for reading