That was my lame attempt to sing tragedy and failed. It’s nearly 4am, I’ve been awake 2 hours asleep for the same time. I’m sat on my friend’s sofa watching the guardians.
Yesterday at 5:30pm I became unemployed, I have no idea what I am going to do, how I will manage fo money, but do you know what? I’m mot scared anymore. I was, like I was worried all day that I was going to say when I handed back my keys. Of course I let all my cbt work go out the window and guess what it didn’t happen and I got angry with Myself for letting it manifest.
Question, do you believe I’m destiny? Fate?
I always thought I deserved kids and a husband, a house and a car after fighting so hard at school to prove I wasn’t nothing that I did have skills & knowledge, unfortunately, at college I didn’t learn from this, I could have been a nursery nurse if I hadn’t let the fact that the course leader appeared to look down on me get to me as if I wasn’t good enough.
Looking back I’ve let lots of people do this to me. I was never good enough for my Dad until I drove him round in a car for a week.apparently I was to independent and stubborn as child to be loved. So that’s why we didn’t get on
I’m still the above, Only problem is sometimes I need little push and also need someone to open my eyes for me, to show me what I have, what I give, what I can achieve.
Today or tomorrow will be the 14th anniversary of my friend’s death. I knew her for a short time but we did so
much together. I just never learnt what she taught me,
I said to someone recently that its happening all over again, and he said what do you mean, I replied everything is falling apart, and I don’t think I can go through it again. What he said was, why does it have to, and what have you not learned from last time that you can this time and do something different.
This is where fate comes in. Like the book from radio about how to love oneself as a person I’m beginning to think l need to see what my Mum sees and believes about me and what everyone else does.
I may not have the family life I want, or the money but these are immaterial and can be fixed. I’ve just got to be honest withmyself close the doors on the chapters ofy life that don’t or should not effect what happens from now on.
One thing will be not trying to write a blog in the early hours of the morning on phone. The other, stop letting negative people mostly of the male variety bring me down.
So I believe in fate and creating my own destiny so tomorrow starts a fresh by signing on and going job hunting. New beginnings await
Thank you for reading xxx