It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us, we were all going direct to Heaven, we were all going direct the other way. . . .
A TALE OF TWO CITIES – Charles Dickens
I had a dream the other night of a peacock walking around then suddenly opening and shutting its tail and then fanning it out. Not quite sure what I should take from that, I found this though http://www.whats-your-sign.com/peacock-symbolism.html
I think 2014 must mean new goals and projects, I just hope its not the other:
To see birds in your dream symbolize your goals, aspirations and hopes. To dream of chirping and/or flying birds represent joy, harmony, ecstasy, balance, and love. It denotes a sunny outlook in life. You are experiencing spiritual freedom and psychological liberation. It is almost as if a weight has been lifted off your shoulders.
To see a peacock in your dream represents spring, birth, new growth, longevity, and love. It is a good omen, signaling prestige, success and contentment in your relationship or career. Alternatively, the peacock signifies pride, confidence and vanity. You may be showing off too much or are overly arrogant with your success and achievements. A peacock may also suggest that many eyes are watching you.
Today was the first back after the Christmas madness. I had just spent three days with my Mum and Sister and it felt too short. Although I didn’t do much I still feel shattered and this morning was the balckest/darkest I have ever felt in a long while. It took me an hour to get out of bed and then it took just as long to get myself into work mode. It didn’t matter what self-talk I did or coffee I drank, I couldn’t feel motivated. It wasn’t until we finished the day better than expected and then I went and got some cheap pizza and garlic bread and ate the lot that I felt better. I am disappointed in myself for feeling so low, I questioned myself why and I know its because of not processing in my head everything that went on before Christmas, the lead up to the fact my Dad wouldn’t be there and that I wanted it to be so perfect. But if you do that you end up not enjoying it.
In the end, it was good. I ended up having an afternoon with my Mum where we just talked. it was like old times. when my Dad was there, there hung a cloud, a tension over the place, the house seemed lighter and bigger. Why I felt like I had to apologise 16 years ago for something I wasn’t sure about and get him to stay to keep the peace I do not know, whether he would of left I do not know but I wish he had now. I wouldn’t be sat here feeling so mixed up and wishing we hadn’t wasted so much time. How can one person have such an affect on people/things. How can we let people make us feel worthless?
I had so many plans for 2013, then something or someone took over and things didn’t go to plan. I kept blaming others for the situation I was in, when it was down to me, my reactions, my decisions. I have no money because I am rubbish with it, I have pushed people away because I am to scared to let them in and trust them because I’m scared of getting hurt.
I think that’s one of the reasons I’m not looking for the prince/the one, because I have so much I want to do and so much I haven’t finished that if I let someone in they may stop me doing it and I may become another person. I have changed so much in the last three years and it’s took a lot for me to start accepting that I can do these things that I have talents that I just need to believe in myself. I just hope January is as busy and as exciting as it looks. And if anything bad happens I hope I can handle it. I really do.
2013 has taught me so much. It’s been a strange one. But it’s been my best and my worst. Some things I realise were affected by my depression others because people stopped believing in me, I can’t fight to prove myself and if whatever happens for the worse, then I know it was meant to end.
I have learn’t so much from CBT, I just have to remember I am only human, and that sometimes we have to have these bad days to appreciate the little things the good things. My sister was amazed at how excited I got about the little presents she got me. I told her, someone could give me a piece of cake, a book, a pencil, a note book, a fancy pen and I would be excited. You don’t have to spend much to give much its the thought that counts, it’s the fact you’ve thought about someone to make that effort of giving them a gift to make them smile. Even a hug would do.
This is a bit of a garbled blog but so much has gone on I just wanted to get a bit out. Tomorrow, I’m going through all my washing and, tidying the house and making sure everything is in order before the New Year, just so I can start a fresh. I think I need to do some CBT activities to.
Thank you for reading