When a tough cookie crumles

‘Causes of Insomnia -Regret. -Self blame. -Loneliness. -Over thinking. -Hunger. -Depression. -Self Doubt. -Anger.’ -Twitter

‘The human mind tends to wander over 70% of the time, replaying memories and creating scenarios of perfect moments’-Twitter

‘Sometimes it’s the smallest decisions that can change your life forever.’-Twitter

‘Letting go isn’t about anger or bitterness. It’s recognizing that what you’re clinging to isn’t life-giving & setting it free.’ – twitter

‘It’s usually quite hard to let go and move on, but once you do, you’ll feel free and realize it was the best decision you’ve ever made.’-Twitter

http://www.forbes.com/sites/jessicahagy/2012/06/26/20-ways-to-find-your-calling/

http://www.forbes.com/sites/jessicahagy/2012/02/28/the-six-enemies-of-greatness-and-happiness/

http://www.hercampus.com/school/uc-irvine/how-make-day-work-not-so-boring

I mentioned I found a video the other day this is how I have felt at times this year http://wp.me/p2CpmV-3o2

‘Take on me”

I do love party classics.

Today has been the worst day ever. I really, really did not feel a part of anything.  I felt so alone today. So much so I zoned out a few times and blocked out much of what was going on. I couldn’t even face doing something I’ve done for over 5 years. I just felt like I had no one to turn to. I was so relieved when I could go home and just cry. It’s not how it should be, but sadly I am only human, and don’t ‘fit’ in some people’s eyes.

So instead of a pj day tomorrow, I’m going to do nothing in the morning  or wrap presents for Xmas, then go down to the library and do a couple of hours of CBT and get myself back on track. I have no Xmas spirit what so ever this year. I should be happy, it’s the first Christmas without my Dad since he left, yet a part of me still has that horrible, tense feeling I used to get when I went home, of wondering what to expect. Mum and Jane are used to him not being there. I still think he’ll walk through the door and start saying ‘it’s all your fault, your stubborn!’

How can this be?

The negative thinking has took over. I feel so useless, but I know this will pass. I just have two weeks left and then it’s a new year then everything will be changing. Again out of my control but that’s how life is.

Now to sing along to some party tunes and hopefully kick myself out of this mood.

Thank you for reading

xxx

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