The Kevin Scream

After a positive day, getting everything done, although releasing I need to double check things, I am not having the ‘dreaded Monday feeling’ although I do feel like screaming, just to let some tension out. Why? Because however hard I try with some people, the damage has been done, whatever I do will not be good enough. Why am I bothered? because I care to much.

Kevin McCallister: No offense, aren’t you too old to be afraid?
Marley: You can be too old for a lot of things, but you’re never too old to be afraid!

Furnace: Ha, ha, ha. Hello, Kevin. Ha, ha, ha.
Kevin McCallister: Shut up.

We assume everything because we are afraid, we’re scared that if we ask someone something we won’t get the answer we want. The bit where Kevin tells the boiler to stop making noises is a positive act, to affirm that it’s not scary. I am one for the worst for not asking for fear of rejection  or for people just being disappointed in me.

When I rang my Mum the other night, she told me about an art teacher who said ‘I wish I had her talent at drawing at her age’ it was one of the few teachers who had faith in me and pushed me to achieve stuff. Not that I listened. I’m nearly 34 and I still don’t listen. I’m afraid to hear positive things. It’s taking so long to dismiss the negative things in my life as they attach themselves like leeches. But my Mum said, ‘we keep telling you, how good you are at drawing and photography, but you are stubborn and won’t bloody listen.’ or words to that affect. She also told me to let go of the thoughts/negativity of my Dad as he’s gone now, he’s no longer in our lives. He’s sat somewhere in a little bedsit I believe. Funny how we have them negative forces fighting inside us. everyone should read this by the way, it’s helped a lot book recommendation

This is it! Don’t get scared now!

Apparently its 16 days until the big day everyone is preparing for. I just want to get to my Mum’s and eat lots of food and take Milo (Jack russell) out for lots of walks. Oh and beat my little sister at games. I really can’t wait. I have no decorations up as I don’t see the point, as I spend all day around them, only to take them down again. Plus it feels normal and an escape. Although I did get giddy in the new primark in Leeds and bought a Christmas pudding jumper the other day. 😀

So, after weeks of CBT, volunteering at the radio station once a week (loving it!) I feel very lucky. I am learning so much and I have gained so much from doing it. I’ve gone back to designing posters and leaflets and even trying my hand at designing and putting content given into a newlsletter. I’m hoping to get myself more organised in the new year and start off as I mean to go on.

PLAN! PLAN! PLAN!

READ! WRITE! RECORD!

thought

Thanks to everyone who has believed in me this year and all the help and advice. I am eternally grateful.

Thank you for reading

xxxx

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