That’s what my ‘negativity’ is saying to me. I’ve had it from my Dad since I grew up, I escaped it for a bit when I left home so many moons ago but have carried that of self worth wherever I go.
I fell in love with someone because they said ‘they loved me for who I was’ I was bowled over by it and in the beginning it was amazing, but to soon after the loss of security of uni, it fell apart and here I am now on me own and better for it.
That last statement isn’t negative because at every point in my life I’ve been surrounded by people. I shared a room with my sister, I moved out and shared a house, even though I had my own space it wasn’t the same, again when I came to Leeds. Now in the last three years, being on my own has been the worst and the best thing I have ever done. I now just need a smaller place to manage and I will be laughing. I don’t always like being in on a morning on my own, I feel like I want to escape as soon as I have woken up, that’s if I can get myself out of bed. Lately it’s been impossible until I coaxed myself to go sit in macdonalds for an hour and do some studying.
It’s now leading into December where everyone is stressed and it’s ok to be rude to each other and everyone is more stressed than you, even though they have no clue what’s going on in your life but instead decide to grind you down because they think they know better, well sometimes they don’t. When people say they ‘know me’ I kind of want to say, really? you haven’t seen me for months, you may know me but it’s a ‘version’ of me. I can say this as I feel completely different to what I did this time last year when I was almost at breaking point and was just going through the motions. I think I was on autopilot again. I feel like I have changed so much in these last few weeks months. I feel a hell of a lot stronger than I did say 3 weeks ago or before I started the CBT stuff. And as my therapist said ‘you’re only human and you’re bound to make mistakes and I don’t expect you to get everything from these lessons, but you have made great progress’. That’s praise right there isn’t it?
Yes I am still a stubborn arse and yes I care too much about the silliest things and yes I get over perfectionist over my job and cleaning but that’s me, that’s Helen. Helen who is fighting her corner, to be listened to. Instead of having people say ‘keep smiling’ ‘You’re so negative you are’ ‘You never stick to one thing’ and so on and so on. If only people could see the real me, the me I want to be and like and not expect whatever old version they have in their heads. I give others the chance. I know that anyone at anytime could be thinking/worrying about stuff and I know that I can ‘sulk’ for britain, it’s a bad habit picked up from my Dad, but I work through it, lots of the times now it’s taking a breather or stopping what I’m doing for a moment to refocus, works brilliant. It’s just a shame others can’t let me be who I want to be.
Next week is the last recording of radio’s bookclub and the first ever of What’s on involving me and Kirsty. I’m excited and sad at the same time. I can’t believe I’m on radio!!!! me, little old me! and it doesn’t sound that bad. And I have met some amazing people. I really can’t thank Nicola (station manager) and Kirsty enough for what we’ve achieved. It’s out of this world.
Next week is also the beginning of the Christmas rush and quite frankly I don’t give a foook (sorry for the swearing) I want to say ‘bah humbug’ There are more things to worry about then getting a best present for someone who probably wouldn’t have bothered doing the same for you, and it turns people vile. Like the characters in Roald Dahl’s Matilda. If only we could have her magic powers. 😀
2013 was mean’t to be the best year ever. It’s actually not been to bad, I’ve learn;t not to give a stuff about certain areas of my life. If I keep trying I’m just going to make myself go blue in the face. And that’s just not worth the colouring. So I am focusing on the most important aspects of my life and I think I am doing pretty well. I do need to do some more exercise though and cut out the junk food. Mood and food is so linked together you just wouldn’t realise it. Tonight I have bought loads of fruit and veg, except for tea I had fishfinger sandwiches as the traffic was that bad in town in took me 45 mins to get home instead of usually 20 mins. 😦
So to the end of November. I feel so lucky to have the friends and family I do. I’ve lost a few and I tried so hard, but in the end no one liked who the other turned into and I got fed up of being the scape goat. I’m learning to make sure I listen to others and ask how they are doing and not being afraid they might turn round and say ‘oh you care now’ simply because I’ve been lost in my own little bubble for so long that I’ve only just managed to burst it. So here’s to 2014 and the skills of CBT. because next year will be even better.
Oh and I got a cuddle with a friend’s 8 month baby boy, so cute! and my friend’s op was a success, not that I ever doubted it wouldn’t be. so all in all a good end to the week. 😀
Thank you for reading