Monthly Archives: November 2013

I’m going to stick to you like glue

That’s what my ‘negativity’ is saying to me. I’ve had it from my Dad since I grew up, I escaped it for a bit when I left home so many moons ago but have carried that of self worth wherever I go.

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I fell in love with someone because they said ‘they loved me for who I was’ I was bowled over by it and in the beginning it was amazing, but to soon after the loss of security of uni, it fell apart and here I am now on me own and better for it.

That last statement isn’t negative because at every point in my life I’ve been surrounded by people. I shared a room with my sister, I moved out and shared a house, even though I had my own space it wasn’t the same, again when I came to Leeds. Now in the last three years, being on my own has been the worst and the best thing I have ever done. I now just need a smaller place to manage and I will be laughing. I  don’t always like being in on a morning on my own, I feel like I want to escape as soon as I have woken up, that’s if I can get myself out of bed. Lately it’s been impossible until I coaxed myself to go sit in macdonalds for an hour and do some studying.

It’s now leading into December where everyone is stressed and it’s ok to be rude to each other and everyone is more stressed than you, even though they have no clue what’s going on in your life but instead decide to grind you down because they think they know better, well sometimes they don’t. When people say they ‘know me’ I kind of want to say, really? you haven’t seen me for months, you may know me but it’s a ‘version’ of me. I can say this as I feel completely different to what I did this time last year when I was almost at breaking point and was just going through the motions. I think I was on autopilot again. I feel like I have changed so much in these last few weeks months. I feel a hell of a lot stronger than I did say 3 weeks ago or before I started the CBT stuff. And as my therapist said ‘you’re only human and you’re bound to make mistakes and I don’t expect you to get everything from these lessons, but you have made great progress’.  That’s praise right there isn’t it?

Yes I am still a stubborn arse and yes I care too much about the silliest things and yes I get over perfectionist over my job and cleaning but that’s me, that’s Helen. Helen who is fighting her corner, to be listened to. Instead of having people say ‘keep smiling’ ‘You’re so negative you are’ ‘You never stick to one thing’ and so on and so on. If only people could see the real me, the me I want to be and like and not expect whatever old version they have in their heads. I give others the chance. I know that anyone at anytime could be thinking/worrying about stuff and I know that I can ‘sulk’ for britain,  it’s a bad habit picked up from my Dad, but I work through it, lots of the times now it’s taking a breather or stopping what I’m doing for a moment to refocus, works brilliant. It’s just a shame others can’t let me be who I want to be.

Next week is the last recording of radio’s bookclub and the first ever of What’s on involving me and Kirsty. I’m excited and sad at the same time. I can’t believe I’m on radio!!!! me, little old me! and it doesn’t sound that bad.  And I have met some amazing people. I really can’t thank Nicola (station manager) and Kirsty enough for what we’ve achieved. It’s out of this world.

Next week is also the beginning of the Christmas rush and quite frankly I don’t give a foook (sorry for the swearing) I want to say ‘bah humbug’ There are more things to worry about then getting a best present for someone who probably wouldn’t have bothered doing the same for you, and it turns people vile. Like the characters in Roald Dahl’s Matilda. If only we could have her magic powers. 😀

2013 was mean’t to be the best year ever. It’s actually not been to bad, I’ve learn;t not to give a stuff about certain areas of my life. If I keep trying I’m just going to make myself go blue in the face. And that’s just not worth the colouring. So I am focusing on the most important aspects of my life and I think I am doing pretty well. I do need to do some more exercise though and cut out the junk food. Mood and food is so linked together you just wouldn’t realise it. Tonight I have bought loads of fruit and veg, except for tea I had fishfinger sandwiches as the traffic was that bad in town in took me 45 mins to get home instead of usually 20 mins. 😦

So to the end of November. I feel so lucky to have the friends and family I do. I’ve lost a few and I tried so hard, but in the end no one liked who the other turned into and I got fed up of being the scape goat. I’m learning to make sure I listen to others and ask how they are doing and not being afraid they might turn round and say ‘oh you care now’ simply because I’ve been lost in my own little bubble for so long that I’ve only just managed to burst it. So here’s to 2014 and the skills of CBT. because next year will be even better.

Oh and I got a cuddle with a friend’s 8 month baby boy, so cute! and my friend’s op was a success, not that I ever doubted it wouldn’t be. so all in all a good end to the week. 😀

Thank you for reading

xxx

I was looking at my worksheets today that I was given yesterday, I have loads its so cool!!! On the bottom was a website. I’ve c checked it out and there is a ton of information on there, check it out….

http://www.get.gg/freedownloads2.htm

and this one two. I now have 30 booklets on my kindle from it. It’s handy for something 😀

 http://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/resources/consumers.cfm

I’m really buzzing about this, I really need to get a printer to print more off and also help me organise myself for bookclub and radio so I can make wall charts and plans etc.

I’ve never felt this good in ages and now I just need to magic some more time up, one is to turn the tv off and then set myself time for tasks and work out which is to be done in what order and when. I just can’t believe 2013 is nearly over. Its been a bizarre one but a good one in parts I think.

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Radio's bookclub choice for Decemeber
Radio’s bookclub choice for Decemeber

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Thank you for reading

xxxx

“There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.” ― Maya Angelou

I pinched this title from another blog. This last few weeks has been a heck of a journey. From Last Tuesday to Saturday I was out every night and no booze involved. I was either at the radio station, cinema, at a friend’s house or on Saturday at the Leeds Arena to see Vampire Weekend and the night ended with me trying tot be clever and run at a pile of leaves to kick them only for me to fall flat on my face or as my friend said ‘the best prat fall ever!!!’

This week I let myself down and didn’t do any of my CBT techniques. I however did learn a bit of yoga and realised how unfit I have let myself get and the fact that I’ve put a bit of weigh on around the hips required a size 14 jeans because I couldn’t get them over my thighs even though they were wide fit. Still slack at the top but I seem to have expanded. So, goal next year after seeing the Abbey Dash is to get running again but in the meantime, lots of gentle exercise and sit ups to flatten the stomach. Also means I need to change my diet a bit and cut down on the sugar. *sighs*

So I have a new phone, I hated it to begin with, now I’m blown away, but still need to sit down and read the instructions. Also must remember to keep cheek away from it when talking or it’ll ring some random person. ‘fat cheek syndrome’ I keep putting full stops in instead of spaces as its close together.

Like I said the CBT training is out the window and I only have a couple left. 😦 Next session is to do with self talk. I have had trouble sleeping again this week and I was really looking forward to the session this morning. I have loads more worksheets (see below) and my folder is bulging. By Christmas I will have hopefully cracked it.

See below for all the handy worksheets

What have I learned lately.

* Breathing when stressed or angry is always good.

* count to three in your head to calm yourself down

* Just because I don’t do what others want does not mean I’m worthless.

*I made a confession that I love my best friend I think I just missed him so much that I mistook it after knowing I fancied this other guy for over a year and he has similarities. ouch

* to do the following once a week …….

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* If you open your eyes for a minute you’ll see there are amazing things right under your nose. Take for example a hairdressers that my friend recommended, I went in asked if they were so in so and made an appointment, went back this afternoon and it was the best haircut ever! it’s so stylish and no stupid fringe!!!! Very welcoming, took the mick out of accent but all in good fun and learned so much in a space of an hour I felt I had known them forever, and got told I was a nice/lovely person and to pop back anytime for a coffee. I said I’ll being my homework down then and do it 😀

* Believing in yourself in the hardest thing and to wallow in self pity must not be done for more then 10 mins. Find something you love doing and do it. Be it watching a film you have seen time and time again, going for a walk when things get too much. Have a good clearout and put everything back in order, just do anything. Learn from mistakes, If things go wrong take a break and start again, after all we’re only human.

* I’m getting old when the music in the top forty doesn’t make sense

* That people come and go in your life and the ones in are mean’t to be there will stay. The others will try to beat you down because you are rising and going onto bigger and better things

* People think they know me. You can know one all your life but you never truly know them. It gets better when they haven’t spent time with you and think they do, people change, people grow. Like Toad said in Councilling for toads, it’s finding the right time to grow-up. whatever that means 😀

*My 23 book list for the end of the year is out the window simply because this month is disappearing quicker then you can say for-coffee and thats  swearing (learn’t that one today along with a toasted teacake is a breadcake with currents?????)

* That I drink lots of coffee at home and have become obsessed with trying to get as many freebies as possible.

*That I have to invest time in to do lists and my filofax as I keep forgetting things again. I’m little miss busy at the moment.

*Apparently if you want a man in your life you have to make space in your wardrobe so clear out half of it and make space for him and he will come.

* I have not been a good sister, or a friend to some, but that’s because I got a bit lost. Thank you to the massive support from friends and family and adopted family (radio/bookclub) it means so much that you have so much faith in me and let me waffle on. 😀  xxxx

Thank you for reading

xxx

I HAVE THE POWER!!!!

….To be me, to be proud of me, to do what ever I want and achieve whatever I want even if I have never done it before. Because I control what happens, I make the decisions and I should never ever be influenced by people unless I think it’s right. Until I’m ready.

There’s a good piece here:  http://tinybuddha.com/blog/we-have-the-power-to-choose/

Helen of Troy http://www.english.illinois.edu/maps/poets/g_l/hd/abouthelen.htm & here http://whitedragon.org.uk/articles/troy.htm

Greek Meaning: 
The name Helen is a Greek baby name. In Greek the meaning of the name Helen is: Shining light. The bright one. Helen of Troy, whose elopement with Paris sparked the Trojan War, was the daughter of Zeus and wife of Menelaus, King of Sparta.

SoulUrge Number: 1

People with this name have a deep inner desire to use their abilities in leadership, and to have personal independence. They would rather focus on large, important issues, and delegate the details.

Expression Number: 8

People with this name are competent, practical, and often obtain great power and wealth. They tend to be successful in business and commercial affairs, and are able to achieve great material dreams. Because they often focus so strongly on business and achievement, they may neglect their private lives and relationships.

My second name is Louise (or louisecheese, made that up today :D)

Louise \lo(ui)-se\ as a girl’s name is pronounced loo-EEZ. It is of Old German origin, and the meaning of Louise is “famous warrior”. Feminine form of Louis; French version of Ludwig.

SoulUrge Number: 5

People with this name have a deep inner desire for travel and adventure, and want to set their own pace in life without being governed by tradition.

Expression Number: 9

People with this name tend to be passionate, compassionate, intuitive, romantic, and to have magnetic personalities. They are usually humanitarian, broadminded and generous, and tend to follow professions where they can serve humanity. Because they are so affectionate and giving, they may be imposed on. They are romantic and easily fall in love, but may be easily hurt and are sometimes quick-tempered.

I’ll start at the end and finish at the beginning or something like that. This morning I felt crap, I felt a bit down and tonight I feel amazing. The best I have ever done in such a long while and boy am I shattered. I just went down to the chippy on Elland Road where I go once in a while and sit in and have fish,chips and gravy. They know my name and the lovely Anya (hope this is right or its Anna) has a good chat with me and we put the worlds to rights along with David who cooks the food. They are by far the best chips in Leeds and practically on my doorstep. They were so pleased to see me and I am always overwhelmed when people say they miss me, little old me?, can’t think why :p. Well I’m beginning to. I’m now sat here watching Santa Claus the movie after having an hours fight trying to upload something into dropbox. It’s still going. *sighs*

On the way back from radio when Nicola was driving me back she told me she couldn’t understand why i was so down on myself why I don’t believe in myself. I have always had very little self worth and now I feel like I’m fighting back, especially after this year of so many battles. This morning when I went to my CBT session and told my therapist that I felt like I had let her down doing my techniques she said look at the amount of issues/problems you just told me, that’s a lot to deal with. So after that sessiona nd loads more tips and now a plan to sort the next week out, I feel like I could take on anything, and it looks like I might be doing more at the radio station once I pass this course. GO ME!!!!!

After the session I wandered down to the radio station, we were supposed to do the bookclub tonight but with so much on at the station we had to move it, which was good for me as I’ve left it late as usual to read it and because it’s JK Rowlings adult fiction book thingy I can’t get my head around it not being Harry Potter and the fact she’s crammed so many bloody characters in it its bizarre. I think I got most the work started that was set for me today. As for CBT I need to start my yoga dvd that I promised and learn some techniques. Can’t be faffed going to a class.  So after watching the dvd and tidy up a bit I’m going to watch it.

You see yesterday I got a bit upset as all book clubs for the year are coming to an end and so is the year and everything is winding down but I haven’t finished my too read list, done my reviews as work has been quite tough and the cold weather is having a bigger impact on me than I thought and I’m falling asleep really early. Tonight I have had two coffees to try stay awake and be able to tidy up.

I’ve had a great day, got to meet a fellow twitter follower in person and was so bowled over and then had a meeting with the radio gang and spent the day doing set tasks plus eating lots of biscuits :D. See I will do almost anything if you feed me. I really don’t mind.

Oh and I took Mike the minion to the studio, just incase you’re wondering about my mascot 🙂 my friend’s sister made him.

One last thought. If I can do this and I can start believing in myself and all made possible by others believeing in me, especially Nicola and Kirsty from radio, people on twitter, Niamh from bookclub and most of all the one person who I should believe but never listen to is my Mum. so thank you guys. I’ve took way too long to realise this but I HAVE THE POWER to be the great ‘H’

Thank you for reading

xxx

*warning: swearing in this post*

So, over the weekend my week on twitter came to an end. But before that i had a bit of a wake up call, I had to look after someone else and make sure they were safe. I realised I should have listened to my inner voice saying let’s go home at 7:30pm but no The begging and pleading meant miss softy here stayed out, spent too much money and ended up feeling like I wanted to shout, ‘Give me a fooking break will ya!’

Ever since I was little, sorry I can remember my Dad constantly put me down, constantly said I was a bad stubborn child, If we were running ahead when out we would get shouted at, if I asked him for a cuddle it would be treated with ‘what you after?’ er I need a hug off my Dad as I feel insecure? Later in life I was never good enough, he never took interest that is until I passed my driving test and told me he was proud of me when I drove him about in a car. Granted over the years he did do some things for me but I never truly trusted him, especially when he used to give me money and then use it against me, making me suspicious of others. I just wanted to be his little girl, but with everything else going on in the house I just got on with things and it was my Mum who would spot when I was feeling troubled and talk me out of it.

These days I don’t talk to him, he is cut out of my life, but the damage is done and I’m trying to fix it, along with what happened with my ex and what a few others and said and done over the last few years and yes, surprise they’re all men. Granted at times over the last three years I have been one big pain in the arse, but I look back and I can’t remember most of it. I must have blocked it out.

These days I’m fighting two people. Myself and myself. One is confident sparked by coffee and can take on the world and the other just is dark and can bring me down so quickly I just can’t find a way out. Or like stated above and make them friends.

That’s why I feel so lucky to have a good doctor who has sorted all this treatment out and I am ready to take on the world. Like someone said to day I am good at what I do I just have a lot of demons and need to get rid of them. here’s to CBT and a few bits below

I’m movin’ on up now
Gettin’ out of the darkness
My light shines on
My light shines on
My light shines on

By constantly being mindlful of your thoughts and conducts. Be quick to judge yourself and slow to judge others. Let this new habit become second nature, then nothing can possess your mind without your permission.

The spiritual approach http://www.askahealer.com/fighting-demons.htm and Hecate http://www.theoi.com/Khthonios/Hekate.html

‘About Hecate: A Greek Goddess with three heads, Hecate has a reputation for evil but has also chosen to rescue those less fortunate at times. Her three heads, that of a horse, a dog and a snake will have deeper significance to those who work with totem animals. All three are very powerful medicines but quite at odds in some ways too. A lot to manage on one body!’

One opinion is: I don’t want to say what my inner demons are,only that they  are the products of my childhood-for the most part,anyway. 
As for controlling them,I recognize them for what they are-  in the long term,a means to self-destruction because they are manifestations of self-hate. I let my conscience be my guide.  That little voice in the back of my mind has helped me to avoid a lot of trouble in the past,although sometimes I have failed to listen to it. 

and another here: http://nvisionconsulting.co.uk/fighting-your-inner-demons-the-battle-for-the-mind/

So How do you fight your inner demons? Please let me know.

xxxx

Thank you for reading

xx

My week as @PeopleofLeeds

This is what it is about: http://peopleofleeds.blogspot.co.uk/

‘Who We Are

‘We are the People of Leeds. All kinds of people, from all over Leeds, coming together on one Twitter account. Based on the amazing @sweden Twitter account, we’re handing the reins of our Twitter account over to the people of Leeds. Each Monday a new person will take the account for a week, bringing you a unique snapshot of living, working and playing in Leeds.’
It started with a Tweet!
About a couple of months ago after talking about Twitter and doing things for the radio, I decided I wanted to do this. No idea why. so I got in touch with Kirsty who runs it and asked if I could do it. I think influentially it was to be late September but it had been popular and decided on Halloween week, not realising I had 12 days off two weeks prior and could have done it during the day to,
I was tweeting before and after work and I think in a way it worked really well.
When I first took over I had been sitting for an hour before wondering what to do and would anyone be interested. So I started off explaining I was an adopted Yorkshire person, raised in Spennymoor who came to live here (someone knew where it was!!!)
Anyway with in a few minutes my phone was going mental with notifications and I was having twitter-sations with loads of people that all of a sudden it was 10:30pm!!!!
It’s been a great week I had it planned to go to certain things. I ended up at the radio station longer then expected and found out some important news that thanks to the lovely people on Twitter, retweeting we may get noticed and help will soon come!!!!
Twitter is so different to Facebook, no pettiness, well apart from one follower who nearly ruined my week. And no woe-is-me business. you can ignore people, jump in on conversations, start threads. A lot of the time I would come back to the account and people were having little conversations via one of my tweets as though it was a little community.

Give a little Gain  a lot!!!

To be honest I was so shocked at the response I got, I also learn’t a lot and I as I can’t take praise very well, felt overwhelmed and humbled that everyone liked it. I am so proud of doing it. I did feel slightly lost after and not seeing my name in lights was a bit weird but like my friends said I should just do the same on my account and spread the ‘helenness’ about.
So if you fancy doing something different, do this or ‘People of the UK’ You’ll learn much more than you realise and find people in similar situations who just need to know it’s ok and others share your problem.
I also felt like a celebrity when a certain young man came up to say hi. I was over the moon by that. 😀
Thank you for reading
xxx

My feelgood film -Bridget Jones Diary

Bridget: It is a truth universally acknowledged that when one part of your life starts going okay,

another falls spectacularly to pieces.

After a long week of being very busy, Being host to PeopleofLeeds on Twitter, Today I felt a bit lost, even more so when I had quite a bit to do at work and all I wanted to do was shove my head under the duvet. This is how I fix this. I write the day off and I watch this film and eat crap. it works. I just need to follow-up on a good sleep. CBT this week is concentrating on assertion and being listened to. Lets hope it works.

‘A British woman is determined to improve herself while she looks for love in a year in which she keeps a personal diary’

Bridget: …ah! New Year’s Resolution: drink less… and quit smoking… and quit talking total nonsense to strangers… actually, quit talking, full stop.

Bridget: The only thing worse than smug married couple; lots of smug married couples.

220px-BridgetJonesDiaryThe novel: where it all began-

Amazon Review

In the course of the year recorded in Bridget Jones’s Diary, Bridget confides her hopes, her dreams, and her monstrously fluctuating poundage, not to mention her consumption of 5277 cigarettes and “Fat units 3457 (approx.) (hideous in every way).” In 365 days, she gains 74 pounds. On the other hand, she loses 72! There is also the unspoken New Year’s resolution–the quest for the right man. Alas, here Bridget goes severely off course when she has an affair with her charming cad of a boss. But who would be without their e-mail flirtation focused on a short black skirt? The boss even contends that it is so short as to be nonexistent.At the beginning of Helen Fielding’s exceptionally funny second novel, the thirtyish publishing puffette is suffering from postholiday stress syndrome but determined to find Inner Peace and poise. Bridget will, for instance, “get up straight away when wake up in mornings.” Now if only she can survive the party her mother has tricked her into–a suburban fest full of “Smug Marrieds” professing concern for her and her fellow “Singletons”–she’ll have made a good start. As far as she’s concerned, “We wouldn’t rush up to them and roar, ‘How’s your marriage going? Still having sex?'”

This is only the first of many disgraces Bridget will suffer in her year of performance anxiety (at work and at play, though less often in bed) and living through other people’s “emotional fuckwittage.” Her twin-set-wearing suburban mother, for instance, suddenly becomes a chat-show hostess and unrepentant adulteress, while our heroine herself spends half the time overdosing on Chardonnay and feeling like “a tragic freak.” Bridget Jones’s Diary began as a column in the London Independent and struck a chord with readers of all sexes and sizes. In strokes simultaneously broad and subtle, Helen Fielding reveals the lighter side of despair, self-doubt, and obsession, and also satirizes everything from self-help books (they don’t sound half as sensible to Bridget when she’s sober) to feng shui, Cosmopolitan-style. She is the Nancy Mitford of the 1990s, and it’s impossible not to root for her endearing heroine. On the other hand, one can only hope that Bridget will continue to screw up and tell us all about it for years and books to come. —Kerry Fried

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

Bridget: You once said you liked me just as I am and I just wanted to say likewise. I mean there are stupid things your mum buys you, tonight’s another… classic. You’re haughty, and you always say the wrong thing in every situation and I seriously believe that you should rethink the length of your sideburns. But, you’re a nice man and I like you. If you wanted to pop by some time that might be nice… more than nice.

Mark Darcy: Right, crikey.

Most Favourite quote!

Mark Darcy: I like you, very much.

Bridget: Ah, apart from the smoking and the drinking, the vulgar mother and… ah, the verbal diarrhea.

Mark Darcy: No, I like you very much. Just as you are.

and then she goes and ruins it by killing off Mark Darcy. piff!

Thank you for reading

xxxx