Once again Monday rolls around so quick I haven’t had chance to roll off the sofa and grab a coffee before I have to start all over again.
I ‘m currently doing PeopleofLeeds on Twitter and loving it. I was really scared, Would I annoy people, would people like me? would I be to boring. most of all would they understand me. and the response so far is amazing, so i thought I write a bit about what’s going on with me and they you can see what I’m all about.
I have lived in Leeds for 12 years and in the last 3 years I have been single and living on my own. I got myself into debt, lost a lot of friends due to my behaviour and reactions, passed my driving test first time, My parents finally split after my Dad said he was going for about 14 years or so but never had the guts. I split up from my ex, who left me a completely broken person, that its only now I’m beginning to recover. I have started CBT Therapy, or cognitive behaviour, because I just didn’t know what else to do. And here’s the biggy, I’m on anti-depressants and have just been told I have low blood pressure, but that’s nothing to worry about and I have been told I suffer from stress and anxiety hence the CBT. *and breathe*
What I learn’t from these dsessions is that I’m not going mad, with being so forgetful it’s due to being stressed that I have a very short term memory, if any and I keep forgetting things I was mean’t to do seconds before. Apparently this is something to do with attention, and concentration and is one of the areas I’m working on. I also have to do exercises to reduce the tension in my body, especially in my shoulders, as I get really bad pains. I also become shorter in height because I slump apparently.
Today because I was trying to concentrate on one thing at a time and then everything spiralled out of control, my mind went blank. I got distracted and everything once again started going wrong, yet I was still in a positive mood. I kept trying to think about the breathing technique I learn’t yesterday but instead I started getting tension headaches. Right above the left eye, not pleasant. The best bit is I’m trying to keep motivated and happy and tell my colleague everything is ok but it’s not working.
So I keep telling myself everything is ok, stay positive, this is karma for having fun yesterday instead of doing work, and tomorrow is another day. Another time in my life I was have burst into tears. Now I try my hardest to keep calm, and just keep telling myself it’s ok. I have had two lessons of this therapy and feel very lucky, as I could have been waiting months, And I am doing my upmost best to do the homework and log things in my diary.
I’ve had so much positive things said on twitter about this project of mine. But I still have a big part of me that feels like I let everyone down. I have tried so hard to make things work on my own. I really should not have moved into this house but I wasn’t in the right frame of mind and quite frankly I think at the time I was just floating along, just going through the motions as that what everyone was expecting.
Writing this after another long day, one of my goals is ‘not to dread mondays’ and has to be no higher than 4/10 at the moment it’s bang on 10/10. I have to rate my feelings and then evaluate them. And after two sessions, I’m not doing to bad but failing on this goal.
As I write this I’m filling with tears, not sure of relief of telling you and everyone and not holding it in. Or the fact I’ve failed everyone. or it could just be the hormones. I’ll let you decide.
Thank you for reading
P.s. thank you to People of Leeds for this fab opportunity