I sat down to write this about an hour ago and failed. I couldn’t write at all, I got four sentences in and gave up. I was wanting to tell you about my holiday. It was my first day back today and didn’t go as smoothly as I wanted but discovered I had a new skill.
You see, the last 12 days is the longest I have had off in ages, and due to lack of money and wanting to sort my life out a bit I decided to stay at home in Leeds. It was very hectic. On my first day I edited my own radio show, first one ever. I think I over edited it but as I wanted it to be perfect, I am still very proud, plus it’s a new skill.
Some of the holiday is a blur, I know I sorted the house out a bit but not as much as I wanted, nor did I get much reading done and now I have 22 books (I think) still to read until the end of the year. *mops brow*
In one of my last posts I discussed how I had started CBT Therapy or (cognitive behavioural Therapy) I went back to the Doctors a couple of months back saying I needed to talk to someone and sort this out as my current process was not working and he turned round and said, take this number and make sure you ring them today. I did and within a week I got an initial appointment which then led to this and its been so fast that I feel like I’m in a whirlwind and I love it.
Yesterday I had another appointment but because it was too close to last weeks it was going over some more techniques for relaxing and more information for podcasts and exercises. My folder is now about an inch thick full of worksheets and info sheets and I’m really buzzing to get started working through it. I have breathing techniques to do exercises to try release the tension in my shoulders.
I also asked about my cleaning habit, as someone said I had OCD, but my therapist asked when I do it. I replied that if I get angry or frustrated or if I’m worrying about things I find the need to clean, like wash and polish all surfaces down, but not always wash-up (bizarre) My therapist said its not OCD but a form of release which is good as something positive is coming out of it, rather than reaching for food and then feeling bad for eating a large piece of cake just for that few seconds of sugar rush (and cake is mean’t to be enjoyed and you know I love cake). In fact, cleaning is like running for me. I can just concentrate on the task in hand and completely zone out. Why I can’t do this whilst reading a book and whizz through it like most people do, is another problem to sort out, and that is my concentration and attention span, hence why I have a memory of a goldfish recently. A big side effect of stress and anxiety (yes I have been given a label, or two) is that our concentration can go because our attention can shift so quickly and if we try to tackle difficult tasks or try absorbing too much information in one go, we put up a block and that causes all sorts of problems.
Apparently when feeling like this, we should do things in small blocks/chunks, have 10 minutes have a break go back to it and repeat, well I’ve been doing this and it may sound like a long winded way of doing it, but for me it gets me through. I just sometimes need to watch for the triggers which get me flustered and forget to have a break or feel like screaming.
I’ve only had two sessions but after the first one and for someone to actually listen and make me feel we can get through this has given me a new lease of life. Sounds melodramatic, but I got sick of talking to my friends and family recently about the same things over and over again and nothing changing even though I have tried my damn hardest to do things right I may as well have not bothered in some cases. it may have taken 33 odd years to do something about it, to believe that I need to look after myself and be a stronger person, to believe I’m worth looking after, what is it they say? Better late then never?
Over my holiday, I have helped clean a friend’s flat, using a roller to sugar soap the walls is an ingenious idea, except it came to me after I scrubbed half the wall with a scourer and whilst I was about to go to sleep. Oh and apparently I smacked my friend in the face then poked her in the eye while I was asleep, later giggling away to. Interesting.
at the weekend I helped paint one of the studios at the radio station and then went back in yesterday to finish another room off as I was so anxious I had done a bad job of the studio I was scared to let them down and while I had time I thought it would be one less thing for them to do. Except at first I got more paint on me then on the walls, but I had an amazing time and over my holiday I hope I have been able to payback the people I love who have given me so much help and support over the last few years. Oh and a big thank you for feeding me. I will do anything for cake or a KFC, mmmm fried chicken.
While I’m thanking people, I would like to thank two people on twitter who I won’t mention by name but ‘inboxed’ me to check I was ok and offered advice. I was bowled over, you know who you are.
So for the rest of the week, mainly at work but on Thursday I have another event with YELP. Again FREE FOOD!!!! and then I really need to buckle down with some reading and reviewing and what I was supposed to be doing last week but got distracted….sorting my life out.
Thank you for reading
p.s. I knwo it’s time for bed when I’m shouting at the laptop that the things I just copied is there, it’s bloody there. sorry laptop.