I am finding it really hard to get motivated today. It’s my day off and I kept putting the alarm back then wishing I hadn’t booked my appointment for 10:15am and I bet when my next one at 11am I won’t be able to sleep. it’s sod’s law, seeing as I keep going to sleep later and later 😦 This is not like me at all.
I wanted to get some shorts for next week as I am going to the seaside with some friends, but when you go looking for something you can’t find it. In recent years I have become really fussy about clothes shopping, and with gaining a little stomach in recent months because of lack of exercise and amounts of coffee and chocolate and lack of drinking water I have a dislike of my body and showing any amounts of flesh even my arms is a bit scary. But first I had to get my haircut.
My hair is quite thick and after a few weeks of it being cut it springs out and looks like I went through a bush backwards. The lovely hairdresser Rachel has chopped right into it again and it’s shocking to see the amount come off on the floor and it’s only the ends she’s taken off. I feel bald. I would love to have it past my shoulders and long luscious locks that can be curled but my hair is very awkward that it’s beyond annoying. if I don’t wash it, it it can look really greasy, even after finding a shampoo that suits and putting less conditioner on it still plays havoc. oh well.
There is another way of looking at the reason of feeling bald, it also could be seen as a huge weight lifted off my mind, that the extra weight was pulling me down and that’s why I found it so hard to function recently and now that I’ve had a shower and have undone all the hard work Rachel put in I feel like a shaggy dog and love it!!!
Here’s a bit about hair…..
‘Specific attitudes on the subject range from whole-hearted embracing of the “long hair is the penultimate look of a woman at her most alluring and desirable” to an assertion that cutting one’s long hair short is a sign of dissatisfaction with some specific part of a person’s life. In the article, Dr. Pam Spurr, is quoted as saying, “The woman who has been dissatisfied with her sex life, and decides she no longer wants to have sex, uses the power of the haircut as a sign to show she’s reclaiming power in the bedroom.”
However, interspersed among the more salacious viewpoints and blurbs is some real content. Dramatic changes in style and look do generally accompany a shift in a woman’s sense of identity. Sometimes it is a reflective response – a new look on the outside to go with a whole new outlook in the inside – and sometimes it’s a reactive response – the ‘change’ to help a woman ‘snap out of’ her mood or cope with some difficulty in her life. Whatever the mechanic involved, the result is a new look and that look usually corresponds to a change taking place where it cannot normally be seen.’
Another link here
So off I went to Primark and I was wandering round looking for shorts and picked up three lovely pairs two been different denim and some t-shirts and I got a call from a friend wanting to meet up, I carried on looking went to fit them on and guess what the 3 size 12’s didn’t fit round my legs and when I sat down – you should always do the seat test, I looked like I had big puffy thighs. Not a good look. I tried to separate pairs of trousers on again same size and one was perfect the other not. What the????? So in the end I got plain socks for work, trousers, t-shirts and a checked shirt because I regret chucking a blue one out that I loved so much because someone said something and me being me associated that with the shirt and couldn’t wear it any more, even though I really,really loved it. 😦 I should stop being so suggestible. sighs.
I then met up with my friend and grabbed a sandwich from fatso’s before wandering aimlessly around shops looking for shorts, but my reluctance of spending to much, and the horror of the chubby legs in Primark kind of put me off shopping. In the end it was a good thing just to wander around and catch up and then finish it off with a coffee. I feel so relaxed and can’t wait to do it again. I feel so bad because I used to be great at clothes shopping, but now with lack of money and dislike of my body it’s a bit tricky. Oh and why do people trash Primark and Next Clearance and never any other store. I feel for the people who have to fold clothing all day.
When we were at school there was different levels at school, you were either very intelligent/rich and pretty and were always at the front of school pictures or you were the middle like me, the plain girl who just about understood school, loved the library and got on with work and then finally the bottom lot, now know as chav’s or the shellsuit gangs who couldn’t care less and smoked behind the bike shed or on the corner at lunchtimes. During gym you were all the same, can’t say for the boys but the girls getting changed would try undo their bra under their shirt and whip it out through the sleeve. To eat trousers or underwear on you would have the towel over your shoulder and hop on one leg trying not to drop them on the wet floor. However on the school field it would show your place again like running. One set would run around at top speed while others would go at a gentle pace or the group like me who couldn’t wait to hide behind the gym and walk a bit to catch our breaths. I did out achieve them one time in gymnastics by being able to do the tricky jump over the horse without even knowing how I did it. My proudest moment.
These days I find myself still trying to fit in, still trying to be liked, I thought I had found it then everything started unravelling for me and what I thought was a good friendship wasn’t, I was being used and I was actually looked down on quite a lot. But hey that’s life. You just have to be aware that what you give may not be the same as what you get back. But doesn’t that make us all individual and unique, we all are meant to be in certain packs I think and when we fall into something that doesn’t quite fit, we need to make the most of it, and when the alarm bells go off that’s something is wrong we shouldn’t ignore it and let it slowly destroy us. That’s what’s happened to me, that’s why in recent months I have felt so lost. But hopefully I can find my way again, I keep saying each week is a fresh start then I hit a stumbling block and take two steps back. Not anymore. take each day as it comes and make the most of it, and a wasted day of doing nothing is not a wasted day, it’s a ‘rest day’.
Thank you for reading