“It is a truth universally acknowledged that when one part of your life starts going okay, another falls spectacularly to pieces.”
― Helen Fielding, Bridget Jones’s Diary
This is going to sound utterly and totally stupid, but for the first time in god knows how many years I do actually feel alive. I feel like I could run to the attic fling the windows open and shout, like he did on Titanic film, ‘I’m on top of the world!!’
I’ve finally grown to accept the house I live in (even though it expensive and I still need to shift my arse and move) is actually home, my home. one I’ve finally put together and can just come in and throw my bag on the floor, flop on the sofa and do what the hell I like. Only problem is the blooming housework, finally got around to that today, oh and the other thing I hate….food shopping. When you’re on your own it’s so hard to think of what you want to eat and whether you can be bothered to cook something that will take 30-40 minutes or whack something in the microwave and take 7-10 mins and ping it’s done. Hence why I am so grateful when people invite me for tea and I return the favour by eating everything and anything 🙂
I’ve starting to learn to not be bothered about certain things. There’s only so much I can do and if people aren’t happy with that then they need to step into my shoes for a day. I know I take things to seriously sometimes but I do go out of my way to get things done and to do them right. But sometimes it’s just never good enough.
I have never felt this good in a long time. I am trying to get more organised, filofax is coming in handy, just got to make sure I don’t write notes on lots of little pieces of paper and then lose them. :). At the moment I could really do with new clothes and shoes, but don’t know what to get. I would love to have a car again, and have a bit more independence but it’s too costly. It’s now been two years since I passed my test. Two years!!! Where has the time gone!!!! It’s one of my proudest moments.
I’ve been thinking about what I would do if I could start over and at what point would I do this. One was the age of 17/18 when my Dad was planning on moving to Ferryhill, because I apparently was a horrible daughter and he could no longer stand the sight of me and wanted me to apologise or he would leave. All this because I didn’t say morning or something stupid. I wouldn’t have apologised and perhaps he would have left. If you’re wondering why I let him get to me even though I left home over 12 years ago is because I still wanted to see my Mum and Sister and at the time my niece. I didn’t see why I had to stop seeing them because he was being a pillock.
Then there was the time after my friend Carly died, and I wished I had gone to a councillor. I might have decided to delay my HND and not come to Leeds, who knows. I could be sat somewhere in County Durham instead of beautiful Yorkshire.
I still wonder whether I made the right choice to do the degree, part of me now thinks I should have taken time out and worked on gone on holiday. I’ve never been good with money, I get that from my Dad, it’s a bad habit and I’ve only managed to break it twice. Everyone has regrets and everyone wishes they had done things differently. Whether it’s because things haven’t turned out the way they hoped, I hoped to have a fantastic job, own my own house, car and have kids and a dog.
I’m now 33 and don’t really have any of that and wishing I could slow the clock down to stop me turning 34. However the physio told me today I have another 10 years running in me, and my knee may just be nothing and could be an early indication of arthritis. Not another bloody label. what with sciatica, my right side wants to fall apart. But least it’s a good sign that it’s nothing major and I can gently start running again 😀
Granted, I would like to change things, I would like to have done things differently, but after all these ups and downs, some unnessary, some created by others, I now finally feel at peace with everything and I’m happy with who I am. I think, for now anyway. I love the things happening with the book clubs, especially last night, I feel that Kirsty and I achieved so much at the radio station, we make a great team. At Leeds Book Club, I’ve been writing reviews and although I was a bit worried they weren’t good enough I loved doing them, roll on Tuesday for Puffins, which I’m hosting and I can write a review of Mrs Frisby. If you wish to join us, we’re at The White Swan in Leeds at 6:30pm. Link here about the club:D
My all time favourite song. I can finally listen to it again……..
my favourite album and song
Thank you for reading