Monthly Archives: July 2013

‘We could’ve been anything that we wanted to be’

For some reason this song keeps popping up and I now wish I’d tried to get the soundtrack and DVD from That’s Entertainment while it was still open.

Silly me.

Oh well. This week has been bizarre, it’s seemed to have been on a go slow. Apart from certain bodily functions. sorry, but I’ve caught a stomach bug and it’s completely drained me and I hate it when this happens. Living on your own has it’s perks but not when feeling rubbish. 😦

The downsides, are

  • You have to do everything yourself. The fairies won’t come, I’ve tried that one.
  • The bills can’t be split so you have to watch what you use, so everything gets turned off when not in use. Heating is used at a minimum.
  • Cooking. Always make too much then freeze it then forget about it or as has recently happened you end up eating the same stuff  for 3 days and that gets a bit boring
  • Fresh food comes in bulk and goes off quicker than you can say ‘open sesame!’
  • When food shopping, and rely on a bus, sometimes getting carried away can make it difficult to bring back. I’ve limited myself to one basket which can equal 5 bags if I’m clever in the way of loading the basket. At the moment I don’t have far for the bus stop to my door. But that could change 😦
  • When ill you have to look after yourself and if you’re squeamish like me it’s not pleasant and you have to get a bit tough with yourself. This really hasn’t worked.
  • There’s nobody to share you’re day with and end up on FB or Twitter to feel like you’re not alone.
  • Did I mention the housework is left to you? I did. Yes I don’t like washing up or ironing.
  • cooking for one isn’t fun and microwave meals aren’t all that great. 😦
  • It can get boring and it’s bloody hardwork.
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washed up after 4 days

However their are some advantages of being on your own.

The upsides are:

  • You can be as untidy as you like.
  • You can wear what you like
  • You can sing as much as you like and no one complain
  • You can watch the trashy films and no one can complain
  • You can shut the world out and just wallow if you feel like it or in my case recently get all your work done that’s been piling up in the comfort of your own home.
  • You don’t have to share a bathroom

I’ve ran out of good points. But I do enjoy living on my own sometimes. I just get bored and in the morning I sometimes find myself leaving the house earlier and earlier just to see another human being (after I’ve had coffee) and then babble on at 90 miles an hour just because there’s someone there to say hi to and let them know about what’s going on.

The latest edition of book club for South Leeds Community Radio has been aired and it’s the best yet. I think It’s brilliant, and once again it’s come around to quick as it’s next week! eeks. I’m so proud of it and gained a few new friends. I love booklcub! I also love the radio station, just wish I had time to a bit more for them. I think I need to make time.

So here’s to midweek and another day off tomorrow. I feel rubbish, from the stomach bug I caught but have loads of things to do. So tomorrow I’ll get as much done by lunch and then I’m going to crash out on the sofa and try catch up on sleep. Wish me luck

Thank you for reading

xxxx

sun, gardening, rain, icecream, blogging, reviewing all in a day’s work

I’m sat watching the last to episodes of BBC’s Pride and Prejudice on Channel 20. Of course I’ve caught Mr Firth at his finest (even though I did miss the pond moment). *faints*

By now, if you follow my blog you will now you know I am a big fan of Colin Firth especially his part of Mr Darcy in this. I read the book years ago, I got it for 30p from a charity shop and fell in love with that and then the drama series. I have visited Lyme park but did not find the pond, but I would love to go back.

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Today I set out to sort the reviews out for book club but instead cleared the rest of the garden after eating a bacon and tomato sandwich from the local cafe. It’s much easier to pull up weeds when the garden is wet with little tools. It looks a lot better. It just looks a bit strange everytime I look out.

I have spent the afternoon doing a couple of book reviews, I think I’ve lost my mojo. I think with so much going on lately I’ve lost the ability to review like I did, we’ll soon see.

I intended to read this afternoon but wanted to sort these out and didn’t realise how long it would take. At least the house is tidy, and I can spend the rest of the week catching up with reading. I feel settled today, all because I’ve been pottering about. As soon as I get used to being on my own I end up wanting to share things with others, especially the housework. It sometimes gets too much. I really do need a smaller space, but when looking you get ‘studio flats’ which cost almost the same and mean you get a room which is your kitchen,living room and bedroom in one but you have to go outside to share the bathroom. It’s one extreme to the other, go in a shared house and have a room and shared amenities but as soon as someone moves out you have to pay double or triple the rent until someone moves in, or perhaps as I just said a ‘larger room’ aka studio flat for almost the same as the four floor house i’m in now. It’s mental. And now the government want to have the ‘spare bedroom’ tax. I think MPS should be charged ‘spare house’ tax see how they like it.

So to a new week another month is to begin and the fast approach of that horrible season that drives everyone into a fit of histerea. *shudders*

I hope you all have  a good week and remember, we don’t have to spend lots if any money to have a good day. and once in a while take some time out from the world and put things in order. it’s amazing what it can do.

Thank you for reading.

xxx

‘Shake it out, Shake it out!’

Regrets collect like old friends
Here to relive your darkest moments
I can see no way, I can see no way
And all of the ghouls come out to play

‘They say a person needs just three things to be truly happy in this world: someone to love, something to do, and something to hope for’

Well I definitely have something to do, plenty for book clubs and to spend time with friends and family as much as can time permitting obviously because we all have to do a daily job.

Like everyone I wish things could be different. I feel like I’ve been back at school this week. In certain aspects of my life I don;t fit in anymore. I feel really sad about this and I although I have been trying to find my feet for way too long now, I’m beginning to think history is repeating itself and I don’t know if I’m making it happen subconsciously or whether it’s karma or what. I really don’t know but I need to make some big decisions and wish for a bit of good luck.

I know you should be careful what you wish for but like in the previous post, I’ve only wanted to be happy and nothing go wrong when things are going well. it seems to be happening again and I can’t do much about it.

On the plus side I got a nice surprise this week. I was showing someone the bookclub on radio because of my fluctuations in accent and was surprised to see the latest one on there. Don’t worry I think I missed the link from last weekend and was highly delighted to see this. I listened to it when I got home and it’s the best one yet, even though my sister told me I shouldn’t have said ‘I might read it’ even though I said it felt like I was reading a version of EastEnders. Perhaps she’s right but sometimes we can’t all like a book. what do you think? listen to it here and let me know below.

I also went to LBCOutlaws on Thursday and once again hadn’t finished the book. I had all intentions to but due to time and a personal issue, I again lost my ability to be able to read, but I am doing the review, maybe over the weekend and I maybe doing a few more to. This is good, although my organisation and timescale needs to be looked at and perhaps time wasted on FB will have to be cut down even further.

so, once again I find myself half way through the year wondering how the hell I got here and knowing it’s all down hill from here, another year gone another pile of regrets, but hey, I may not learn from my mistakes but I have achieved quite a lot as well as lost quite a bit. Friendships have gone, ones I really miss, but like someone once said, there’s only so much a person will take and what you think of your relationship could be very different, and sometimes friendship just doesn’t come into it at all and its best to let go 😦

So today I plan to clear the garden catch up on writing reviews and find some time to sit down and read, but first I must go get  a bacon sandwich.

Thank you for reading

xxx

Most of us are just about as happy as we make up our minds to be. – Abraham Lincoln

‘One small positive thought in the morning can change your entire day!’

‘after defeating the mighty wizard ‘he who shall not be named’ recovered after a short nap and hardly a scratch on him’

I was watching last part of Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s stone as I had got in after a long day and couldn’t be fussed to watch much or do much. I’m now sat watching Harry and the prisoner of Azkaban, I truly believe this is the best out of the whole 7 or 8 films. I’m not sure on books. I like them all. I would love to go and see the shop at Kings Cross and the platform 9 & 3/4’s. If you didn’t know I am a mad Harry Potter fan.I have been for the last 14 years when I first sat and read it to my cousins as their bedtime story. They both had their own room and I sat in the doorway reading it while my Uncle made my Aunt and me tea. From that moment on I was in love with it, I got all the editions, and one I got from Morrisons petrol station in Bramley at 7:30 in the morning, partly because I thought their wouldn’t be any copies and also I wanted to read it asap. Big kid, that’s me. My sister bought me the first few films one Christmas and then after that she kindly bought me the rest. She’ll kill me for saying this but she used to wind me up about my obsession, and then recently started reading them after we got them dirt cheap off durham market. she said she wanted to see what the fuss was about.
Bloody cheek! 😀 As for me I even have Lego characters and got really excited when I found out they were filming at Durham Cathedral and Alnwick, and that Alnwick gardens has a poisoned garden with the plants mentioned in the book.

I wanted to write tonight not about Harry Potter, but the fact that tonight I would have loved to have had someone to come home to. Sit and chat about the day and sat and cuddled and watch a film and more than likely fell asleep half way through. But alas it isn’t so and I turn to films that make me feel good, like Bridget Jones Diary and Harry Potter. 🙂

You see it’s been a very long week. Made worse by the hot weather. I think I had too much excitement, with two book clubs and the sorting the house and trying to catch up on reading and reviews, yes I’ve mentioned housework again but time seems to go so quick these days. Last night I needed to get some food for over the weekend. I try to do it in two lots. My good friend Lynn asked if I would be in after work to drop something off and I told her I just needed to food shop, later she asked me how long it would take. With food shopping I try to do it within 15 -20mins with one basket, simply because it can fill 3 bags if I’m lucky and that’s all I can carry. Later she said her son would drop me off if I got back to work at six. I did and when we were in the car she told me they were taking me for tea after we dropped my shopping off and a surprise bag of food. I was shocked but delighted, and we went for a KFC with her daughter as well, I’m good friends with all of the family, I love them to pieces. I think it’s got to be one of the nicest things someone has done for me in the last month. Along with my trip home to the gala.

Walk with the knowledge that you are never alone. -Audrey Hepburn

“Sometimes you read book so special that you want to carry it around with you for months after you’ve finished just to stay near it”

By leaving behind your old self & taking a leap of faith into the unknown, you find out what you are truly capable of becoming.

What lies behind us & what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us. -Ralph Waldo Emerson

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Like Thursday, I plan to have a lazy day tomorrow, depending on the weather I don’t know if I’ll be sitting outside reading or watching DVD’s, I will just see how the day takes me seeing as I have plenty of food. Thanks Lynn 😀 xxx

The one thing I will take into next week, is I’m starting to feel like my old self, one before I came to Leeds, the one who was happy with the simplest things like listening to cheesy pop music, a night out costing £10 or the most £20 and still have change in your purse, somehow. The one who is quite happy to just sit and chat. the one who would just go for a walk when things are quiet or need time to think. The one who knows what is worth caring about and what isn’t.

Finally, to old and new friends, if you don’t like me or the fact I’m trying to stand up for myself, look out for myself in what ever funny fashion I do it, then I’m sorry, it’s probably a cry for help and I don’t realise it as I’m still not sure who I’m meant to be or where I’m meant to go. The last 12 months especially, I have gone through every possible emotion. I hated feeling so angry to the being in floods of tears. I hated not having a memory, not being able to remember why I walked into a room, what I was supposed to be doing next. Today I remembered so much I was jumping inside with glee. Yes I hold on to so much and don’t know how to let go, but I think it’s time. I’ve ruined and lost quite a lot of opportunities and a lot of people warned me it would happen. I was just to scared to listen and carried on the wrong path. I’m sorry. I hope I’ve managed to get back on track.

Thank you for reading

xxx

‘What do stars do?……shine!’

An exciting week! two book clubs! One was LBC white swan talking about people who are real or not and the second also for Leeds Bookclub is drum roll please the third meeting of LBCPuffins!!!!

On Tuesday, I was leading the Puffins book club and I was so excited and nervous at the same time that I ended up running on some strange form of adrenaline and turned into a big kid. We were discussing Mrs Frisby and the rats of Nimh, I re-read this in October 2012 when I picked it up from home and mentioned something to someone which ended up being a twitter feed leading to a new book club being born.  I like to think it as the baby of the group along with Outlaws. see what I mean here http://www.leedsbookclub.com/

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‘You know when I said I knew little about love? That wasn’t true. I know a lot about love. I’ve seen it, centuries and centuries of it, and it was the only thing that made watching your world bearable. All those wars. Pain, lies, hate… It made me want to turn away and never look down again. But when I see the way that mankind loves… You could search to the furthest reaches of the universe and never find anything more beautiful. So yes, I know that love is unconditional. But I also know that it can be unpredictable, unexpected, uncontrollable, unbearable and strangely easy to mistake for loathing, and… What I’m trying to say, Tristan is… I think I love you. Is this love, Tristan? I never imagined I’d know it for myself. My heart… It feels like my chest can barely contain it. Like it’s trying to escape because it doesn’t belong to me any more. It belongs to you. And if you wanted it, I’d wish for nothing in exchange – no gifts. No goods. No demonstrations of devotion. Nothing but knowing you loved me too. Just your heart, in exchange for mine.’

Yvaine:   from Stardust (film)

Today I have had a very lazy day. and I mean lazy, after waking up at 5am, yes that early I went for a run at 6:30 and managed to do a lap around the park, very slowly, go me! will try again tomorrow!!! Knee seems to be holding. I later cleaned the house, went out and got a bacon sandwich and sat on the doorstep catching the last of the sun as it moved over to the otherside of the street, while having another quick read of Mrs Frisby to jot down some notes and then moved onto the Enid Blyton challenge. see here I’m nearly finished another book. Hopefully by the weekend I’ll have 5 reviews to post. How exciting!!!!

So from sitting on my bum to making an effort of backing up my computer to emptying my bag on the floor, which I really must sort, it’s been a successful day.

All I have left to say is the joys of living on your own, is that you can potter around in next to nothing, hog all the duvet and in my case cocoon myself in it. Have a dirty or clean house whatever takes your fancy. Watch endless amounts of crappy films, have gone off soaps, I think Holby is classed as a drama so that’s ok. 😀 decorate it how you fancy and of burp and fart as much as you want, but of course I’m a lady and don’t do any of that 😀

However the downsides is, you have to get the food in, do the housework, do the cooking, what’s cooking? I seem to have forgotten.  Food goes off quicker.There’s no one to talk to. No one to look after you when ill. No one to hold your hair back when puking in the toilet. (sorry) no one to share the financial restraints/costs of running a home.  no one to talk to about the latest things going on. *sighs*

Thank you for reading xxx

It is a truth universally acknowledged that….I HATE MONDAYS!!!!

And if one more cocky buggar tells me to breath I might have to ……..

If you haven’t gathered I don’t like Mondays, I especially don’t like them when the weather is hot and it quite plainly makes everyone become arses! Sorry for swearing but I was in a positive mood, I had been out for a test run, was very short, as I was testing the knee, and didn’t realise how much I let my fitness slip. I was out of puff just going a few yards, but it felt amazing.

Last night it was the White Swan Bookclub and another amazing meeting. I also had a good friend join me who is my sidekick at the radio station to show her why I love bookclub so much. And it didn’t let me down. Rules of book club, you’re not frowned on if you didn’t read the book, well not for long, if you didn’t like it, that’s not a problem, not everyone has the same taste, and it nearly always goes off course, with a new catchphrase ‘back to the book!‘ must include that in a book review somewhere.

Gallery above is all things found on FB

Humans are just funny creatures, never happy with their lot, always wanting more, generally, more money, more gadgets, bigger house, fancier car and I’m one of them. Granted I wish I could have all those things, like others I wish for that big lottery win, but in reality it’s never going to happen, things are gained through hard-work and sometimes sacrifice. And if you want to believe it the type of person you are, the background you have. I believe we all came out of certain set moulds. Some got intelligence, beauty, power, money. Others were hard-working, caring, and did the best with what they got, and beauty in another way. and then there’s the one with pot luck who don;t seem to put in the effort but somehow manage to survive on very little and not have a care in the world. Some are mean’t to be lucky in love, others not so much or just settle for what they can get.

I’ve been thinking a lot about if I could turn back the clock and start again where would it land. A big part of me is drawn to when I first left home in 1999 and went to Middlesbrough. I don’t think it was a good idea me doing a course solely based on Graphic design as I was more a creative/photography person and perhaps should have changed courses. I don’t regret going as my eyes were opened to a lot of things, but I do wish I had kept in touch at home more and especially with my friend Carly. And I wish I had saved more money and went abroad and took my driving test then.

A big, big part of me has been thinking I shouldn’t have took the degree on in Leeds, by this point I think I should have took a break. I had been in education all this time and started working in corner shops and supermarkets to help with living costs, and I now truly believe I should have took ‘proper’ holidays and sent he world. I didn’t because I didn’t believe I could, or could afford, I just didn’t believe in myself.

This has probably come about because of the books I’ve been reading about fictional people coming to life and stuff about time travel, that makes me want to do something more. Do something different.

I’ve looked back at the last 12 months. I remember feeling low, I had scared off all my close friends, my memory kept yo-yoing and I just felt like I was owed so much more! We all do this right? All think that we should have everything and anything without working for it? to be able to have the money to just do the hell we like?

At school they wrote me off. I tried my hardest to prove myself and think I said before once I left school I let go of this determination and that’s where I let myself down. If the 15 year old teenager could see me now she would probably shake her head in disgust but then say but look, you have tried to make amens, You have tried to prove yourself. Look at what you have. A very good job, a one that you are extremely good at. Look at what you have achieved with the book clubs and the amount of reviews you have written, school would never believe you if you told them that. What about the driving, another thing to tick off your list even if it’s been 6 months since you last sat in the driving seat.

What I am trying to say is, we should all be grateful with what we we have, try to manage the situation you’re in the best you can and if it’s not working, well that’s just down to bad management isn’t it really?

Be careful what you wish for, and be grateful for what you have, as once it’s gone you’ll never get it back and you’ll be left with life’s regrets. (think I read that somewhere)

I hope my pep talk to myself will help others.

Thank you for reading

xxx

‘If you’re lost and alone, or you’re sinking like a stone Carry on’

If you’re lost and alone
Or you’re sinking like a stone
Carry on
May your past be the sound
Of your feet upon the ground
Carry on

Fun

Rare Jan Austen book link here

And to those people who think I’m boring because of my love of books check this out!!!!

and this is my second review for Puffins!!!! Sheep-Pig

and another for White Swan The Eyre Affair

and a fantastic article on why we abandon books!!! here

And we have another edition of South Leeds Community Radio Bookclub under our belts. Huzzah!!!

I found out today that That’s Entertainment are shutting their store in Leeds. I am disgusted, I have had some great bargains from there and Leeds needs these kind of shops, we also need a bargain book store like they have on Hay-On-Wye. Or even another like Barter books in Alnwick. We’re missing out on a treat, Waterstones is lovely but needs to be bigger for this vast city.

So come on Leeds bring a bit of variety back to your shops. Please…Pretty Please.

Thank you for reading

xxx

In my office

I’m sat on the floor in the living room as I needed to spread out. I realised I have turned into my Dad as he always had a little corner or area near his chair where he  kept his paperwork. I have a fold-up table next to the sofa along with the bookshelf of crap beside it. I have just gone through stuff for book club and my bag for work tomorrow. Days off go quick but this one thankfully has felt like it lasted ages for once. Plus I have got loads done. GO ME!!!

My sister commented on how I update what I’m doing on Facebook and twitter, I don’t know why she’s complaining, I know I use it too much and sometimes give too much info, but at least she knows I’m busy. I did however forget to talk to her about our project we were thinking of starting so miss Carr of you read this remind me tomorrow to speak to you about it.

So I have sorted the paperwork into piles and separated the discarded what I didn’t need, whether I can find anything again is a different matter. I just need to update my filofax with work dates and holidays and book club dates. I also need to start two books – a re read of Mrs Frisby and to start The Fictional Man for Sunday. Might try reading both at once!!!

I’ve tried to avoid watching TV and just listen to music or this morning listen to the sounds happening like the washing machine whirring, the fridge gurgling and the cars going past the house. I’ve also been listening to The Shrek soundtrack which made me want to listen to The Eels album. I haven’t done this for such a long time. I couldn’t. It brought back painful memories. It was always my favourite album since being in Leeds and now I can listen to it again and again and feel a sense of calm.

I went to the physio this afternoon and he tried to get me to make my leg go floppy and I couldn’t I just simply can’t relax, I’ve realised my legs are quite tight even when sitting down. And god knows what happens at night time when I’m starfishing. The fact I’ve been pottering about, writing reviews, catching up on reading, I do actually feel quite chilled out. How bizarre.

I saw on a blog or on Twitter someone doing a lucky dip with their book list, so I decided to copy. I emptied the candle jar inspired by IKEA and like at book club took form my list of to-reads and wrote them on slips of paper folded them and popped them in this jar. I now have a unique ornament on the mantlepiece.  This is my challenge of my book choices for 2013, I think I have got distracted with other choices/new reads I have only read 3. So I changed the list slightly *slaps wrists* and popped all them in a jar and after puffins next week I will be raiding it for something to read not linked to book club.

One last thing. Always put cd’s back in their rightful cases otherwise you might get a surprise and not what you wanted to listen to. Hello Snow patrol and not FUN. Oh good thing I like them.

Thank you for reading.

xxx

‘Gordon’s Alive!’ or this case ‘Helen’s alive & feeling great!’

“It is a truth universally acknowledged that when one part of your life starts going okay, another falls spectacularly to pieces.”
― Helen Fielding, Bridget Jones’s Diary

This is going to sound utterly and totally stupid, but for the first time in god knows how many years I do actually feel alive. I feel like I could run to the attic fling the windows open and shout, like he did on Titanic film, ‘I’m on top of the world!!’

I’ve finally grown to accept the house I live in (even though it expensive and I still need to shift my arse and move) is actually home, my home. one I’ve finally put together and can just come in and throw my bag on the floor, flop on the sofa and do what the hell I like. Only problem is the blooming housework, finally got around to that today, oh and the other thing I hate….food shopping. When you’re on your own it’s so hard to think of what you want to eat and whether you can be bothered to cook something that will take 30-40 minutes or whack something in the microwave and take 7-10 mins and ping it’s done. Hence why I am so grateful when people invite me for tea and I return the favour by eating everything and anything 🙂

I’ve starting to learn to not be bothered about certain things. There’s only so much I can do and if people aren’t happy with that then they need to step into my shoes for a day. I know I take things to seriously sometimes but I do go out of my way to get things done and to do them right. But sometimes it’s just never good enough.

I have never felt this good in a long time. I am trying to get more organised, filofax is coming in handy, just got to make sure I don’t write notes on lots of little pieces of paper and then lose them. :). At the moment I could really do with new clothes and shoes, but don’t know what to get. I would love to have a car again, and have a bit more independence but it’s too costly. It’s now been two years since I passed my test. Two years!!! Where has the time gone!!!! It’s one of my proudest moments.

I’ve been thinking about what I would do if I could start over and at what point would I do this. One was the age of 17/18 when my Dad was planning on moving to Ferryhill, because I apparently was a horrible daughter and he could no longer stand the sight of me and wanted me to apologise or he would leave. All this because I didn’t say morning or something stupid. I wouldn’t have apologised and perhaps he would have left. If you’re wondering why I let him get to me even though I left home over 12 years ago is because I still wanted to see my Mum and Sister and at the time my niece. I didn’t see why I had to stop seeing them because he was being a pillock.

Then there was the time after my friend Carly died, and I wished I had gone to a councillor. I might have decided to delay my HND and not come to Leeds, who knows. I could be sat somewhere in County Durham instead of beautiful Yorkshire.

I still wonder whether I made the right choice to do the degree, part of me now thinks I should have taken time out and worked on gone on holiday. I’ve never been good with money, I get that from my Dad, it’s a bad habit and I’ve only managed to break it twice. Everyone has regrets and everyone wishes they had done things differently. Whether it’s because things haven’t turned out the way they hoped, I hoped to have a fantastic job, own my own house, car and have kids and a dog.

I’m now 33 and don’t really have any of that and wishing I could slow the clock down to stop me turning 34. However the physio told me today I have another 10 years running in me, and my knee may just be nothing and could be an early indication of arthritis. Not another bloody label. what with sciatica, my right side wants to fall apart. But least it’s a good sign that it’s nothing major and I can gently start running again 😀

Granted, I would like to change things, I would like to have done things differently, but after all these ups and downs, some unnessary, some created by others, I now finally feel at peace with everything and I’m happy with who I am. I think, for now anyway. I love the things happening with the book clubs, especially last night, I feel that Kirsty and I achieved so much at the radio station, we make a great team. At Leeds Book Club, I’ve been writing reviews and although I was a bit worried they weren’t good enough I loved doing them, roll on Tuesday for Puffins, which I’m hosting and I can write a review of Mrs Frisby. If you wish to join us, we’re at The White Swan in Leeds at 6:30pm. Link here about the club:D

My all time favourite song. I can finally listen to it again……..

my favourite album and song

eels-beautiful-freak

Thank you for reading

xxx