I think this is true of everyone, my friend put this on FB:

‘I’ve always had an emotional attachment to food, so when i get stressed or upset, i tend to turn to food.
Well the first step is; 
1) recognising the problem.
2) realising that you can accomplish anything.
3) small, manageable goals work better.
4) everyone slips, just start again.
5) its not a diet, its a healthy way of life.
6) eat foods that are good for you and that you enjoy
7) keep an eye on portion size.
8) listen to your body, stop eating when you feel satisfied.
9) exercise has to be something you enjoy or it feels like a chore and you give in.
10) enjoy life, when you are happy and healthy everything else will fall into place.

Bring on Monday, I’m ready!’

I feel totally the same but sometimes its with money not food and I spend what I don’t have, then moan when I can’t have what everyone else does. I would like a car and this that and the other but I’m to wrapped up in all the pathetic things of everyday life and letting the stresses of work get to me  to stop and think that I don’t need that bar of chocolate or bottle of fizzy pop to get me through the day. What I should be doing is going for a wander and taking a breather. I should start eating healthier and drink more water and eat fruit and should put the money for chocolate in a pot. I don’t mean to cut it out completely, I’ve said this all before that I should start again, but I think I have to now. I mean, I am getting on a bit 🙂

These last few months I’ve been thinking about the male role models/relationships in my life and I feel about 50% of the men in  my life who I truly care about end up telling me I am a failure that everything no matter what is all my fault.  It does work both ways you know.  Respect is earn’t and so easily dashed. Why should I bother to make the effort if you’re just going to be arsy back????  Hence why I’ve broke contact. And also why I am still single. I just can’t go through that again where someone goes ‘it’s your fault, not me’ ‘you didn’t say this, so I fell out with you’ always stupid little things. Always expecting respect when none is returned. Yes, I am now able to admit I am stubborn and can be frustrating, I know I ‘disappeared’ for such a long time and now have come back, perhaps a little different, hopefully better,  I am the first to admit I am no good for asking for help. I haven’t been since I was little, and now that I have, it feels like I have let everyone down and I feel ashamed.

“If you don’t try at anything, you can’t fail… it takes back bone to lead the life you want”
–Richard Yates (Revolutionary Road)

I sound so pretentious. If that’s the right word. Perhaps I’ve always wanted to fit in. I know at school I struggled and was bullied a lot. Didn’t help with what was going on at home with Dad. I keep getting told and yes they’re probably right that I should not let this effect what is going on at work what is going on at home. Only problem is I’ve had no one really to talk to as everyone else has been to busy and once I get home recently I want to just crash. I’m so exhausted, I just want to block everything out and that’s when the trouble begins. I thought I was being strong. I thought I was getting on ok. Managing a house, holding down a job, making something of myself, going to book clubs etc, etc…..

Instead I feel like I have caused quite a lot of damage,words have been said that can’t be taken back, I’ve let people who I care about use me, have them bully me, have them tell me I’ve let them down that. Well it works both ways people!!! Why do I have to be the one who gives all the time? Why do I get nothing in return? Instead they say we tried to help but you wouldn’t let us. How? How did you help and how hard did you try? I am a bit dense sometimes!!!! I’m beginning to wonder why I let myself be such a walkover or how it came to me not believing in myself or not being able to trust others.

‘Silly pudding, if you don’t ask you don’t get!’ -Holby City

I really do want to shake myself and shout ‘stop being such a drama queen!’ I’m being so silly. But I’m so sick of feeling like I’m being trod on. Perhaps I need to find a compromise with life, work, and not be so hard on myself for not being as good/clever as others.

So as they said on Holby:

‘Go out there, and grab the world by it’s wassits!’

So that’s what I’ll do. all guns blazing with barriers up!!!

Thank you for reading

xxx

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