Warning: lots of whining and pictures in this one.
So, I had a blip last week. first one in a few months, had let everything get on top of me.
3 weeks on from doing jury duty and only a letter saying I’ll be paid for it shortly. Right, ok. So we serve our public duty yet get shat on from a great height. I haven’t eaten properly in 2 weeks, trying to keep costs down, and being naughty by scraping together change to buy expensive take away coffees *slaps wrists*
I keep getting told I am a lovely person I just need more confidence. I do their right, I have absolutely none in myself and I feel that I can’t be me without a form of caffeine or by having my bachs spray at hand in seconds. daft I know! The thing is I’ve always thought I’ve nothing interesting to say I’m not much to look at. In fact I keep getting told I’m ‘pretty’ never ‘gorgeous’ apart from my luscious lips and rather bizarre small ears (I have a big head)
I don’t know why my appearance bothers me so much, I don’t think I look very feminine, especially at work with my baggy trousers and polo shirt. 😦 I hate wearing make up at work as I’d have to keep reapplying it as it’s quite a physical job and I keep wiping the damn stuff off.
Today was the best day in a fortnight, partly due to the great night I had last night. Involved a good friend, a quick natter, lots of food and book club. I love book club, you can just engage what is going on be around familiar faces and new and just get absorbed in the discussion. Next week I’m attending two which I’m now head of. One is on Tuesday for Leeds Book Club and is Adults reading kids books and the other is for South Leeds Community Radio where we discuss it on the evening for it to be then edited and aired at a later date. It’s so exciting.
But first is a visit up north and to celebrate Mum’s Birthday and we’re off to the pub!
list of things to do today (Monday I think)
1* eat breakfast
2* get dressed
3* walk to work
4*get coffee *slaps wrists*
5*take a £1000 at work if that fails flash leg
6*get the bus home
7* collapse on sofa and read book
8* win large amounts of money on the lottery
On Tuesday it was time for a catch up with my friend and suggested to her to come to bookclub, she was a bit reluctant at first but loved every minute of it, hopefully I have converted another and she’ll become a regular like me. Reading is essentially, no matter how you’re felling it’s a good way to escape, it helps the mind wind down after a long day, unfortunately of course if you’re feeling a bit low, it can affect what you think and feel about the story, but that doesn’t matter, you’re focusing on something else.
The only time text is bad is when it is in form of an email/text and it’s sent in a fashion that the person sending either means harm of doesn’t but last week I got texts off my Dad which were unbelievable, leading me to change my phone number. It also created a massive mess and I could see the ball of wool just rolling away from me. In the end a lot of people got caught up in it and some were not happy at all. I did my best, I’m only human, I maybe 33 but I’m still finding my feet, I lost them somewhere and I can never find things when I want them.
So if in future, I’m acting a little out of sorts, yes you’re right there is likely to be something wrong, I’ll just be to ashamed, embarrassed or angry at myself for letting something get to me. All I ask is for a minute of your time possibly longer ;p just to say, look I’m not coping this is what’s going on and you’ll soon see why I reacted like I did, and it wasn’t intentional. Because I’m likely to be too embarrassed,angry or whatever to admit what’s wrong.
Like my friend said last night, I’m still trying to find ‘Helen’ she’s lost out there somewhere, pops up from time to time, then runs screaming down the road because of that funny accent. And to admit things seem to be spiralling out of control again, feels like failure. Yes I shouldn’t take things to heart so much, but it’s who I am, I’ve tried so hard to change but it’s taking a long time.
Now I am going to finish some reading and reviews and then bugger off to bed, in hope that tomorrow was as good as today. I have a big heart, and so much to give, I just need a little help, guidance and a hug once in a while to let me know I am doing ok.
Thank you for reading.