What a difference a day makes: part 2

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Big fan of this soppy film.
Friedrich: But I have nothing to give you. My hands are empty.
[entwines her hands with his]
Jo: Not empty now.
~ Little Women (1994)
Because I can't stop buying books or wanting to download them
Because I can’t stop buying books or wanting to download them

What a week! I finally found out what I was getting from Jury Duty and it was less than I expected and all that stress for nothing. I hope that I never have to do it again. This past fortnight I have tried not to dig into what little savings I have and live off very little. It’s surprising what you can achieve, especially food wise. Don’t worry Mum,I have been eating but only just had a proper meal even if it was fish and chips. I’ve managed to live on sandwiches, free cake and chocolate, jacket potatoes the last two nights and thanks to Shannon at work I got a chicken burger and pink lemonade lucozade to add to my cheese and tomato sandwiches 🙂 She doesn’t half look after me.

It feels like it’s been more than a week. I can;t even remember Monday and on Tuesday, that’s when it all kicked off and I ended up saying something that caused a massive tidal wave and now I can’t take it back. And all this happened because one stupid sod i.e. my Dad decided to be arsy and send a text saying ‘Have you set up a facebook page in my name’ My Dad claims to have dementia or alzheimers, Or what ever disease takes his fancy at the time apart from period pains and pmt, he never seemed to have them. Basically He sent a text in his arsy fashion and then I perhaps not having good feelings about him at the moment did the usual and retaliated (yes I’m not proud but he’s done this all my life and I just react straight away) Anyway it carried on and apparently it’s my fault he’s in the situation he’s in and that it’s ok to be in touch with my eldest niece even though her Mum doesn’t know but her estranged Dad (my brother) does. I got 3 long winded messages, one saying I was an uncaring, unappreciative daughter and then listed his ailments, which I must say I always find funny *slaps wrists* So after talking to my Sister and my Mum on the phone, almost in tears I decided the only thing to do was change my phone number, again.

So Dad if you’re reading this, I’ve had enough of your moods, your lies and I’ve cut you off. I can’t take it anymore. I don’t know why this has suddenly come about but I don’t need it, I have enough problems of my own and quite clearly I will never be good enough in your eyes. I mean it took a car and 32 years for you to say you were proud of me. Whether you were so wrapped up in your self or whether you just don;t know how to talk to people (bit like me sometimes) I don’t know. I just know that any communication via text either email or text as it’s instant is the worst form of communication ever!!!

I’ve mentioned this before but I HATE important information sent via text. I mean I’m one to talk, I need to be braver and face people and I’m trying that. I just hate the fact that when you send a message via text or email you have to make sure it is formed/posed in certain fashion that the it won’t be taken the wrong way. On Tuesday after that argument with my Dad who was hell bent on getting the last word in was basically the start of a massive tumbleweed unravelling and making the rest of the week a complete diabolical farce!

The other thing that happened  on Tuesday which I deeply regret is that in the heat of the moment (yes emotional Helen didn’t stop and think) something happened and I don’t wish to say what, but I said something and it ended up escalating into a massive jenga game and caused a catastrophic mess but I really didn’t think it through, because I was already struggling to keep myself together and then this felt like another piece just suddenly got pulled from under me and now I’m all the pieces on the floor. I am struggling on my own and everything feels like it’s coming at once again.

So next time you send that text or email or write something to give to someone, make sure you check it. Make sure you’re aware how the other person might respond to it, because what I have learnt in the last two years, is that the saying ‘You Never Know What Goes On Behind Closed Doors’ or ‘You never know what’s hiding behind a smile.’  I know this and I do but not very well try to make sure everyone is OK. Today I noticed Shannon needed a break and sent her out, she said ‘How did you know?’ I replied ‘I could just tell the signs’.

We are such funny things, us human beings. We may all appear the same, should have same ability to function, look-alike, head, toes, legs etc, we may all talk differently, but not many are the same. We have the same interests, same tastes but the strangest thing is we can all function in so many  different ways, we all think differently yet this can be changed. We are all giving different talents and levels of that talent to be able to create the world we live in, if we were mean’t to come out of the same mould and do everything the same, life, quite frankly would be dull. When I tell people how much I love book club and I’m a bit of a bookworm, I sometimes get frowned on as if to say ‘why would you want to do that? it’s boring’ ‘Oh I couldn’t do that, I’d rather watch tv.’ I have to tell them I love reading, I maybe slow at times, I may not be able to concentrate on it for long periods of time, but it helps me escape, the book doesn’t judge me. In fact when I can read (blippy moments again) it frees me, it makes me feel better. So does bookclub, I’ve been quite a few times where I’ve not felt like meeting people and talking and yet come away feeling tons better, how I appeared to them may have been a slight madwoman I don’t know.

But we can’t always have good days. We just have to make the most of it and this week I didn’t. Wednesday was my day off and I got loads done but unfortunately I was still upset from Tuesday, and all the things that aren’t being resolved quickly regarding bills and shit (sorry) and after finding out on Wednesday how easy it was to change my number, all the tension I had been carrying started spilling out in forms of tears and yesterday was no better, I ashamed to say I couldn’t hold myself together and I tried my best to stay cheery but failed. I have never cried that much in two days for so long.

Today I woke up at 5am, again and the sun was shining. Not only did I feel the tension going I felt that I had to let everything go, quite clearly for some people I’m not good enough. I have very little to offer except myself. Unfortunately in the last 12 months I have said and done things that now I am ashamed about. I didn’t want to tell people I was struggling, that I would love to meet someone and start a relationship again and walk down the street holding their hand, but unfortunately I have very little to offer, except me. I should not believe what people tell me but whoever I meet would need to have a lot of strength, energy and patience. And listen to stuff that might bore them, I would try to do it for them to. I just can’t trust myself to let anyone in.

So here’s to tomorrow and next week. Hopefully things will get better after the lessons learned this week. I always try to give my best and sometimes I think I give too much and care way too much. I know I am the worst person for taking things to heart but if you knwo me, then you’ll know I have a funny logic and a funny way fo doing things, but you’ll always get 10% out of me regardless the only thing now is I just dread to think what will happen  next week. Enjoy your weekend

Thank you for reading

xxx

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