it’s almost 6am. I have been awake on and off for an hour. I woke up diagonally with my feet out the bed. I’m not sure how I do this. I’m also not sure it is a good idea to with this blog but I’m angry with myself for having this blip and perhaps need a friendly ear and advice.
I’m a bit hacked off with myself at the moment as things were going swimmingly. I’d put everything aside and concentrated on me and tried to forget the troubles of no money, needing a new place to live and my Dad. It was going well. I felt so alive I felt brilliant. Then I heard he was still in touch with Mum, when the reason he left was because she didn’t love him and he wanted to be alone. That’s all he wanted was it? For Mum to love him? He also complained that She didn’t talk to him. Last September in an effort to get him not to leave for a second time I try to persuade him to talk to Mum. He was having none of it, he was leaving. And since then he constantly rings me up over the silliest things, because guess what…He’s lonely.
Growing up all I wanted is for my Dad to spend time with me, to let me know things were ok, to give me a hug and say he loved me. Instead I got ‘what do you want?’ mean’t jokingly I think but as a child took it seriously, like I take most things today. Later heading towards my teens, I just gave up. If you asked anything you got a short sharp reply and it was best to leave him alone. His response every time he was in was of his ‘moods’ was ‘I’m ill’ Instead of going to the doctor and trying to sort this out along with his diet He seemed to just make things worse. In the end we stopped inviting him to do things as we didn’t think he wanted to, or would enjoy or whether he would go in a mood. We lived in a constant shadow and it’s never left my side. Silly seeing as I left home over 14 years ago.
I have been told not to let it affect me. I live here in Leeds now it shouldn’t bother me. But I found every time I rang home he would lurk in the background and Mum would not really be able to hear on the phone and also not feel that she could talk properly. It made me feel like I couldn’t have a proper conversation with my Mum unless I scheduled I time when he wasn’t in and that was very rare.
I am annoyed that I had to grow up surrounded by this tension. That in effect we made this behaviour in my Dad worse. My ex and my friend said he is old fashioned and a man who possibly can’t show his affection and just wants to be talked to. Well I did that last year and he didn’t listen. Where do you think I get it from????
The one thing I wanted from my Dad us a relationship where he didn’t blame me for the slightest thing, ‘oh you didn’t say morning’ ‘you were rude to me’ all these things were petty. And to think he wanted girls!!! I can’t understand him and I doubt I will. His idea for building bridges these last five years is that he is not going to live long so he’s going to spend the money while he can and enjoy life. Fair point but we never really know how long we have on this earth and we can be gone in a second or live well into our 80s.
My Dad is now confused to why I’ve not been in touch, one of my worst habits picked up by him is that I can hold a grudge if that’s what it’s called, I wish I didn’t, it eats away at you. He sent an email saying that I was in the wrong, and he wouldn’t be talking to me any more. Hooray. He only wanted me to visit so he could hire a car and be driven round. What’s wrong with the bus? There’s better links in Stanley than there is in Spenny. Hence why I have cut him off. I feel a fool for trying and thinking things could be better. I was wrong. The problem is we’re as bad as each other.
If it wasn’t for the fact that everything came to a head in February and the support of a few good friends I don’t know where I’d be today. Sounds slightly crazy but last year I don’t know what happened. I just don’t want to go back there at any cost. I want to go forward. Once again enough time has been wasetd. Nothing lasts forever, friendship, love, jobs, security, trust you name it, it can be taken away in an instant and there is nothing we can do. We have to savour every moment. We have to let people know how much we care even if we give more than what we get in return. We need to take care of ourselves before we can others. It makes such a big difference.
Like I’ve said before we don’t need money or we need very little of it to show how much we care, a moment to sit and listen and have a chat with someone (still working on this). A hug. A smile. A small gift, can be handmade or just a small gesture. Just let people know you care and when you’re feeling tired, in a bad mood or anything just let people know. After all we’re only human, we all have off days.
Type in running in my dreams and you get the video above
I am annoyed at myself for letting these doubts and feelings creep back in. Hence why the weird dreams of losing my phone and it being wet one minute dry the next, or the fact my hair was coming out and I was bald or running the 10k but doing a Forest Gump and carrying on running I need to refocus and get back to how I was before jury duty. I need to stop letting these things suck the life out of me as it’s draining.
‘For a woman to dream that her hair is falling out, and baldness is apparent, she will have to earn her own livelihood, as fortune has passed her by.’
‘A running dream is basically a dream of escaping a certain situation, person, or thing. If you succeed in running away from, or elude a pursuer, then you will be able to change those things in your life that has you ‘on the run’. If you dream of the desire to run but cannot get your feet to obey it shows a lack of self confidence and perseverance on your part. Try sticking to your guns and see how much your life will change.’
and then there is this this link http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20090813092012AAmiJrG
I’m trying not to read too much into it but it has made things a lot clearer.
My friends and people on Twitter and FB have said that you have to love yourself first before you can love anyone else. That’s what I was trying to don and still intend to. Go back to one of my many projects of loving ‘H’ and finding out who she is and what she can do, because it was fun until I let things get to me.
Thank you for reading