Perhaps I’ve had too much caffeine this week to try and keep me going instead of fresh fruit, because when I closed up tonight and finally left I burst into tears and I haven’t done that since Jury Duty. Second blip in the last month. And it’s starting to frustrate me.
Yesterday I didn’t know what i wanted to say I just needed to let something out. Today I had loads to do yet it was one of those bizarre Saturday’s again where it peaks and troughs and I wanted to just crawl in the cupboard and curl up. Luckily my young colleague was at hand to keep me going and I love her to bits for it. I have two great girls working for me and we have a great balance happening. We know now to look for signs off the other needing a break and we work amazing as a team. I just feel like a failure when I’m supposed to be older and the manager, and taking care of my staff. Epic fail.
Anyway this week seems to have been up and down, especially with my sleeping patterns and I have been falling asleep by 10 to wake up bang on 5am. 😦 Sometimes I can get back to sleep other times I get up. I also have had a few mornings where I have just left the house because I didn’t want to be here. Why I am unsettled again, could be due to weather or stress. Or more the fact I’m worrying about silly things. My Dad got back in touch again after his unpleasant emails, which he’s probably forgotten about again and I wish he hadn’t, yes he has helped me in the last year but I’d rather go back to how we used to be and not talk. I can’t deal with the roller coaster relationship we have. Especially when I’m always at fault and the reason he wants to stay in touch so I can drive him about when I visit. 😦 He chose to leave my Mum two months ago. for the umpteenth time of threatening and finally did it, and it’s had an effect on me that was bigger than I realised. I wish I could shake it but I can’t.
The other silly issue is this whole thing with my Ex, who sometimes I can’t name as he doesn’t deserve it I think. Ever since the guys at work have been jokingly concerned about my love life, the fear of trusting someone was again has made me worry. Like I said yesterday, at the moment I want to enjoy what I have, get organised with my life and things I need to do with book club and enjoy reading again and hopefully spend more time with Mum and Jane.
Why as a society we think it’s wrong for someone to be single I do not know. Lots of people are for several reasons. They may or may be happy I don’t know. Yes it’s nice to have company, to share the bills, to share a coffee with, for them to know you inside out and want to spend the rest of your life, but when someone hurts you and makes you angry and ashamed of yourself for letting it happen, it’s hard enough to trust yourself never mind anyone else.
Yes I’m sounding daft but I’m feeling a bit crap at the moment and I can’t understand why. I’m going round in circles and wondering whether I need to make a list of everything I need to do to try to empty my mind and not over think.I mean, I had a great night out on Thursday and have so much to do that I am really excited about, yet this uneasy feeling is worrying me. Hopefully tomorrow I can wake up afresh and not worry about it.
Hopefully this was just a blip.
To change the subject, I love books. as you can see have loads and now I’m starting to use my kindle, it’s actually quite exciting, I joked to my Mum about it and she said ‘god no! I’m better off with books, and I prefer the feel’. However after seeing Sherlock on Thursday I’m so giddy to finish it I decided to opt for the kindle version as I seem to have missed place my omnibus, I must dig it out and read it. I just hope it hasn’t been lost. 🙂
So to tomorrow and lots of reading!!!!
Thank you for reading.