Monthly Archives: May 2013

What a difference a day makes: part 2

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Big fan of this soppy film.
Friedrich: But I have nothing to give you. My hands are empty.
[entwines her hands with his]
Jo: Not empty now.
~ Little Women (1994)
Because I can't stop buying books or wanting to download them
Because I can’t stop buying books or wanting to download them

What a week! I finally found out what I was getting from Jury Duty and it was less than I expected and all that stress for nothing. I hope that I never have to do it again. This past fortnight I have tried not to dig into what little savings I have and live off very little. It’s surprising what you can achieve, especially food wise. Don’t worry Mum,I have been eating but only just had a proper meal even if it was fish and chips. I’ve managed to live on sandwiches, free cake and chocolate, jacket potatoes the last two nights and thanks to Shannon at work I got a chicken burger and pink lemonade lucozade to add to my cheese and tomato sandwiches ūüôā She doesn’t half look after me.

It feels like it’s been more than a week. I can;t even remember Monday and on Tuesday, that’s when it all kicked off and I ended up saying something that caused a massive tidal wave and now I can’t take it back. And all this happened because one stupid sod i.e. my Dad decided to be arsy and send a text saying ‘Have you set up a facebook page in my name’ My Dad claims to have dementia or alzheimers, Or what ever disease takes his fancy at the time apart from period pains and pmt, he never seemed to have them. Basically He sent a text in his arsy fashion and then I perhaps not having good feelings about him at the moment did the usual and retaliated (yes I’m not proud but he’s done this all my life and I just react straight away) Anyway it carried on and apparently it’s my fault he’s in the situation he’s in and that it’s ok to be in touch with my eldest niece even though her Mum doesn’t know but her estranged Dad (my brother) does. I got 3 long winded messages, one saying I was an uncaring, unappreciative daughter and then listed his ailments, which I must say I always find funny *slaps wrists* So after talking to my Sister and my Mum on the phone, almost in tears I decided the only thing to do was change my phone number, again.

So Dad if you’re reading this, I’ve had enough of your moods, your lies and I’ve cut you off. I can’t take it anymore. I don’t know why this has suddenly come about but I don’t need it, I have enough problems of my own and quite clearly I will never be good enough in your eyes. I mean it took a car and 32 years for you to say you were proud of me. Whether you were so wrapped up in your self or whether you just don;t know how to talk to people (bit like me sometimes) I don’t know. I just know that any communication via text either email or text as it’s instant is the worst form of communication ever!!!

I’ve mentioned this before but I HATE important information sent via text. I mean I’m one to talk, I need to be braver and face people and I’m trying that. I just hate the fact that when you send a message via text or email you have to make sure it is formed/posed in certain fashion that the it won’t be taken the wrong way. On Tuesday after that argument with my Dad who was hell bent on getting the last word in was basically the start of a massive tumbleweed unravelling and making the rest of the week a complete diabolical farce!

The other thing that happened ¬†on Tuesday which I deeply regret is that in the heat of the moment (yes emotional Helen didn’t stop and think) something happened and I don’t wish to say what, but I said something and it ended up escalating into a massive jenga game and caused a catastrophic mess but I really didn’t think it through, because I was already struggling to keep myself together and then this felt like another piece just suddenly got pulled from under me and now I’m all the pieces on the floor. I am struggling on my own and everything feels like it’s coming at once again.

So next time you send that text or email or write something to give to someone, make sure you check it. Make sure you’re aware how the other person might respond to it, because what I have learnt in the last two years, is that the saying ‘You Never Know What Goes On Behind Closed Doors’¬†or ‘You¬†never know what’s hiding behind a smile.’¬† I know this and I do but not very well try to make sure everyone is OK. Today I noticed Shannon needed a break and sent her out, she said ‘How did you know?’ I replied ‘I could just tell the signs’.

We are such funny things, us human beings. We may all appear the same, should have same ability to function,¬†look-alike, head, toes, legs etc, we may all talk differently, but not many are the same. We have the same interests, same tastes but the strangest thing is we can all function in so many ¬†different ways, we all think differently yet this can be changed. We are all giving different talents and levels of that talent to be able to create the world we live in, if we were mean’t to come out of the same mould and do everything the same, life, quite frankly would be dull. When I tell people how much I love book club and I’m a bit of a bookworm, I sometimes get frowned on as if to say ‘why would you want to do that? it’s boring’ ‘Oh I couldn’t do that, I’d rather watch tv.’ I have to tell them I love reading, I maybe slow at times, I may not be able to concentrate on it for long periods of time, but it helps me escape, the book doesn’t judge me. In fact when I can read (blippy moments again) it frees me, it makes me feel better. So does bookclub, I’ve been quite a few times where I’ve not felt like meeting people and talking and yet come away feeling tons better, how I appeared to them may have been a slight madwoman I don’t know.

But we can’t always have good days. We just have to make the most of it and this week I didn’t. Wednesday was my day off and I got loads done but unfortunately I was still upset from Tuesday, and all the things that aren’t being resolved quickly regarding bills and shit (sorry) and after finding out on Wednesday how easy it was to change my number, all the tension I had been carrying started spilling out in forms of tears and yesterday was no better, I ashamed to say I couldn’t hold myself together and I tried my best to stay cheery but failed. I have never cried that much in two days for so long.

Today I woke up at 5am, again and the sun was shining. Not only did I feel the tension going I felt that I had to let everything go, quite clearly for some people I’m not good enough. I have very little to offer except myself. Unfortunately in the last 12 months I have said and done things that now I am ashamed about. I didn’t want to tell people I was struggling, that I would love to meet someone and start a relationship again and walk down the street holding their hand, but unfortunately I have very little to offer, except me. I should not believe what people tell me but whoever I meet would need to have a lot of strength, energy and patience. And listen to stuff that might bore them, I would try to do it for them to. I just can’t trust myself to let anyone in.

So here’s to tomorrow and next week. Hopefully things will get better after the lessons learned this week. I always try to give my best and sometimes I think I give too much and care way too much. I know I am the worst person for taking things to heart but if you knwo me, then you’ll know I have a funny logic and a funny way fo doing things, but you’ll always get 10% out of me regardless the only thing now is I just dread to think what will happen ¬†next week. Enjoy your weekend

Thank you for reading

xxx

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Ten things I think I know about me

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OK it might be more

1* I take life to seriously sometimes and take everything to heart

2* I love what I have achieved over the last 2 and half years

3* I only ever wanted to be loved and liked (is that two things?)

4* I have lost the ability to listen but I’m trying.

5* My memory is shocking!

6* I love food especially cake!

7* I love reading, absolutely love getting lost in another world. I LOVE BOOKCLUB

8* I love just sharing moments with people, just a chat and a coffee will do.

9* I love meeting new people (even if it’s a little scary at times)

10 * I will do anything for anyone even if sometimes it doesn’t look like it.

11* I love photography

12* I prefer it when it’s sunny

13 * I can’t function on a daily basis without coffee. *slaps wrists*

Thank you for reading

xxx

What a difference a day makes

How funny that I let things get to me and that a quick chat with my sister this morning (got more than she bargained for :D) about Jesus being live and well in Australia with his missus enjoying the surf ¬†see here and then I was trying to sort something out and the customer service was brilliant and it wasn’t as hard as I thought.

My sister thought I was at work and gave me a general quick call after telling me off yesterday for ringing the house phone at the same time yesterday ūüôā¬†She was telling me about a news story she’d seen and then we ended up having a giggle over my accent. God help me when I go up in June for 3 days ūüėÄ

Anyway, I feel much better. I have cleaned the house and boy was it mucky. I have got food in, I’ve done a review for book club, sorted out the paperwork into neat piles (not actually gone through it, tisk tisk) and now it’s time to chill watch Herbie goes bananas (original Herbie I might add) and read a book.

I suppose we all have our off days, I just wasn’t prepared for such a biggy. I had been ok up to now. I think things just got a bit much, sometimes a leopard can’t always change it’s spots however much you want it to. So now I have no contact with a certain person which should have happened years ago. Oh well, I suppose it’s never too late for some things.

Top songs for Wednesday

It’s my life -Bon Jovi

The lazy song – Bruno Mars

Place your hands -Reef

Run Baby Run – Sheryl Crow

A girl Like you – Edwyn Collins

The day we caught the train -Ocean Colour Scene

Always the last to know – Del Amitiri

Movin’ on up – Primal Scream

All right now -Free

Don’t you just love technology. I have a Iphone and it won’t completely delete old numbers even after resetting it four times, I can’t select photos in photostream as it decides ‘computer says no’ . And it’s now gone so dark I refuse to put the living room light on as it’s not energy saver yet my stand alone Ikea lamp isn’t sufficient unless it’s really dark. grrrrr

Oh well. technology is mean’t to make our lives better and easier, oh how I laugh. Instead it can create all sorts of panic, like if we don’t answer our mobiles at certain times, panic sets in ‘where are they?’ ‘why aren’t they answering’. Then there’s the self service check outs which just make you look like an idiot when it can’t detect the bag of crisps in the waiting area and the assistant had to come over and swipe the card, huffing and puffing because you disturbed their sleep. ¬†You’ll also notice I have a kindle, I darn’t leave the house with it unless it’s wrapped up in a scarf, and definitely not when it’s raining. I finished my first book on it and it ended so abruptly I was turning it over to see if there was more, sadly there wasn’t and the percentage gage lied!!! Certain books apparently like to add credits so the book finished on 94% not 100% Hence why I like the paperback. I suppose there’s time yet, another 20 books on the kindle to go at sometime. At the moment I have two eBooks to read (almost said ewok) and 6 paperbacks in a fortnight. Good luck with that one carrsy!. ¬†Also technology can be so temperamental, at work it all plays up around 3pm when the school kids come through, coincidence, I think not.

So lessons learn’t ¬†today, people don’t know what’s in your head or how your feeling so you have to tell them and don’t use an excuse for your behaviour was ‘because I was ill’ it’s feeble and doesn’t wash. Also don’t write a list and nearly forget that and a purse. If you do have a bad day and it gets worse rather than better, just ride it through. If all else fails do something you know will make you feel better or if all else fails go for a run or long walk, listen to some music and sing your heart out (sorry neighbours), Talk to a friend or a family member, either on the phone or face-to-face. Appreciate the moment, appreciate what you have or clean. Cleaning is a good therapy. I have never felt so settled in this house as I have done today, perhaps it’s been looking after me.

Thank you for reading

xxx

Wonderful Wednesday!

Once again I find myself wide awake on my day off. YARRGHGHHHH!!!!

Oh well. Lets see how much I can get done today. It’s a bit miserable outside but that’s a better way to get things done. I have food shopping to do plenty of reading and reviews to do.

The last few days I’ve hit a low point. It came as a bit of a shock and then I felt like I was a failure and then broke down in tears at work. Go girl!

I had a great couple of hours at book club where I forgot about the world and enjoyed the world of bookworms. It’s worked before, just ask my Sister. she ¬†saw I wasn’t feeling to good and thought it best to go, I told her I needed to and she saw why, and for her to go there not knowing people was a big thing for her but she loved it. Hopefully she’ll find some up north to go to.

I got up this morning with ¬†this cloud hanging over me from yesterday, and I sat here thinking stop being so stupid or you’ll ruin your day off. and you know what? I felt a great weight lift. So, I’m going to do some housework before I go get some food, then it’s down to work.

Life isn’t always as bad as it seems. Trying to hurt someone via text is just cowardly,evil and a form of bullying. My Dad did this yesterday, but not for long.

Don’t let things get to you if people want to communicate via text instead of ringing up that’s their problem. Yes it can hurt, but obviously they have an issue not you.

Have a good Wednesday everyone

Thankyou for reading

xxxx

When it comes down to it the biggest problem of all is we all want to be loved. That’s it, silly really.

it’s almost 6am. I have been awake on and off for an hour. I woke up diagonally with my feet out the bed. I’m not sure how I do this. I’m also not sure it is a good idea to with this blog but I’m angry with myself for having this blip and perhaps need a friendly ear and advice.

I’m a bit hacked off with myself at the moment as things were going swimmingly. I’d put everything aside and concentrated on me and tried to forget the troubles of no money, needing a new place to live and my Dad. It was going well. I felt so alive I felt brilliant. Then I heard he was still in touch with Mum, when the reason he left was because she didn’t love him and he wanted to be alone. That’s all he wanted was it? For Mum to love him? He also complained that She didn’t talk to him. Last September in an effort to get him not to leave for a second time I try to persuade him to talk to Mum. He was having none of it, he was leaving. And since then he constantly rings me up over the silliest things, because guess what…He’s lonely.

Growing up all I wanted is for my Dad to spend time with me, to let me know things were ok, to give me a hug and say he loved me. Instead I got ‘what do you want?’ mean’t jokingly I think but as a child took it seriously, like I take most things today. Later heading towards my teens, I just gave up. If you asked anything you got a short sharp reply and it was best to leave him alone. His response every time he was in was of his ‘moods’ was ‘I’m ill’ Instead of going to the doctor and trying to sort this out along with his diet He seemed to just make things worse. In the end we stopped inviting him to do things as we didn’t think he wanted to, or would enjoy or whether he would go in a mood. We lived in a constant shadow and it’s never left my side. Silly seeing as I left home over 14 years ago.

I have been told not to let it affect me. I live here in Leeds now it shouldn’t bother me. But I found every time I rang home he would lurk in the background and Mum would not really be able to hear on the phone and also not feel that she could talk properly. It made me feel like I couldn’t have a proper conversation with my Mum unless I scheduled I time when he wasn’t in and that was very rare.

I am annoyed that I had to grow up surrounded by this tension. That in effect we made this behaviour in my Dad worse. My ex and my friend said he is old fashioned and a man who possibly can’t show his affection and just wants to be talked to. Well I did that last year and he didn’t listen. Where do you think I get it from????

The one thing I wanted from my Dad us a relationship where he didn’t blame me for the slightest thing, ‘oh you didn’t say morning’ ‘you were rude to me’ all these things were petty. And to think he wanted girls!!! I can’t understand him and I doubt I will. His idea for building bridges these last five years is that he is not going to live long so he’s going to spend the money while he can and enjoy life. Fair point but we never really know how long we have on this earth and we can be gone in a second or live well into our 80s.

My Dad is now confused to why I’ve not been in touch, one of my worst habits picked up by him is that I can hold a grudge if that’s what it’s called, I wish I didn’t, it eats away at you. He sent an email saying that I was in the wrong, and he wouldn’t be talking to me any more. Hooray. He only wanted me to visit so he could hire a car and be driven round. What’s wrong with the bus? There’s better links in Stanley than there is in Spenny. Hence why I have cut him off. I feel a fool for trying and thinking things could be better. I was wrong. The problem is we’re as bad as each other.

If it wasn’t for the fact that everything came to a head in February and the support of a few good friends I don’t know where I’d be today. Sounds slightly crazy but last year I don’t know what happened. I just don’t want to go back there at any cost. I want to go forward. Once again enough time has been wasetd. Nothing lasts forever, friendship, love, jobs, security, trust you name it, it can be taken away in an instant and there is nothing we can do. We have to savour every moment. We have to let people know how much we care even if we give more than what we get in return. We need to take care of ourselves before we can others. It makes such a big difference.

Like I’ve said before we don’t need money or we need very little of it to show how much we care, a moment to sit and listen and have a chat with someone (still working on this). A hug. A smile. A small gift, can be handmade or just a small gesture. Just let people know you care and when you’re feeling tired, in a bad mood or anything just let people know. After all we’re only human, we all have off days.

Type in running in my dreams and you get the video above

I am annoyed at myself for letting these doubts and feelings creep back in. Hence why the weird dreams of losing my phone and it being wet one minute dry the next, or the fact my hair was coming out and I was bald or running the 10k but doing a Forest Gump and carrying on running I need to refocus and get back to how I was before jury duty. I need to stop letting these things suck the life out of me as it’s draining.

‘For a woman to dream that her hair is falling out, and baldness is apparent, she will have to earn her own livelihood, as fortune has passed her by.’

‘A running dream is basically a dream of escaping a certain situation, person, or thing. If you succeed in running away from, or elude a pursuer, then you will be able to change those things in your life that has you ‘on the run’. If you dream of the desire to run but cannot get your feet to obey it shows a lack of self confidence and perseverance on your part. Try sticking to your guns and see how much your life will change.’

Taken from http://www.dreamrevealer.com/dream-dictionary-h-08.html

and then there is this this link http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20090813092012AAmiJrG

I’m trying not to read too much into it but it has made things a lot clearer.

My friends and people on Twitter and FB have said that you have to love yourself first before you can love anyone else. That’s what I was trying to don and still intend to. Go back to one of my many projects of loving ‘H’ and finding out who she is and what she can do, because it was fun until I let things get to me.

Thank you for reading

xxx

‘la la la la la la la I just can’t get you out of my head……’

Lets start with one of my favourite songs…..

I hate bank holidays. To me they seem pointless and knock my week out. It’s been a crap day at work and one customer said to me she would pick up at 5:30. When I told her it was 5pm close, she said ‘it says so on your door’ I replied ‘I know but I’m afraid it’s Bank Holiday and it all closes at 5pm’. It causes all sorts of problems because people forget closing times and everyone wants to go home and enjoy the rest of the day but first they must finish work. And then there’s the change in public transport, however that didn’t affect me after I appeared to have lost my pass.

I decided to walk into work today as it was beautiful and then realised after I had got my peppermint mocha that I had forgot my bus pass and had no money left, so had to walk home and completely forgot it was uphill. How can you forget it’s uphill???

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If you can, and don’t live a millions miles away or get the bus, you should either get off a few stops earlier or walk into work, you get to see so much more that you would miss while in a car,bus or train, and because I’m stuck indoors generally for 8 hours, it feels so good to be out in the fresh air. I couldn’t believe how blue the sky was today. Everything seemed so alive.

I thought I’d do this quick blog before I get settled on the sofa and try finish the hound of the baskervilles for tomorrow night. It’s quite a weird experience not being able to turn pages or flick through them, however I can press the button and not have to shift myself every so often to get comfortable. I suppose the kindle has it’s pros and cons. I had to check the omnibus to see how many pages the book was, I know I cheated, but I can’t tell how much percentage is. However I do like the fact you can make notes and there’s a dictionary you can use on any word! just magic. However I will still be carrying the four paperback books to my Mum’s in a couple of weeks in hope of catching up.

and why Mr Orange hasn’t sung before I do not know:

Song is a bit rubbish but video is funny

http://youtu.be/hTr-LyZlDXU

Thank you for reading

xxx

Sherlock Holmes – The Best Kept Secret at the West Yorkshire Playhouse, Leeds.

*WARNING POSSIBLE SPOILERS, PLEASE DON’T READ IF YOU INTEND ON SEEING IT*

The leaflet for the show
The leaflet for the show

 The story

‚ÄėA richly seductive world of passion, breathless intrigue, jeopardy, deception and revelations‚Ķ

Two years after the Reichenbach Falls, Sherlock Holmes has lost his hunger. Refusing to take on any new cases, he’s listless, bankrupt and reduced to selling the stories of his past glories. But when his brother Mycroft is arrested for treason, Holmes is jolted back into action, and along with Watson and the mysterious Irene Adler, he must battle powerful, unknown forces in a race to save Mycroft’s life.

With demons of his own to fight, lost in a sea of madness, can Sherlock really save Mycroft from being hanged? Or will the deadly puzzles of the Best Kept Secret be the end of them all?’

‘This spectacular new production is touring the UK prior to the West End starring¬†Jason Durr(Sherlock Holmes),¬†Andrew Hall¬†(Dr Watson),¬†Tanya Franks¬†(Irene Adler),¬†Adrian Lukis¬†(Mycroft Holmes),¬†Victor McGuire¬†(Inspector LeStrade),¬†Andrew Langtree¬†(The Journalist) and¬†Kerry Peers(Mrs Peasgoode), and will draw you deep into a richly seductive world of passion, breathless intrigue, jeopardy, deception and revelations‚Ķ Will you be able to stand the tension?!

West Yorkshire Playhouse

‘The most infuriating man in London!’

I was given the honour to accompany Niamh (Leeds Book Club- see her review here) to the showing of¬†Sherlock Holmes – The Best Kept Secret at the West Yorkshire Playhouse, Leeds, and I am so grateful she did. It’s the third time I have been to the Playhouse and yet again they didn’t disappoint. What a show! What a night!

I have to say I was absolutely blown away. scribbling notes down and then just getting completely absorbed in the play I forgot we were actually sitting in the theatre in Leeds.

As we sat awaiting the play to start, we viewed an empty stage and smoke started billowing out slowly creating a very haunting atmosphere. Slowly a boat appears with a woman singing setting scene of what was yet to come.

‘It’s what you don’t say that’s important’.

The scene changes to the inside of Holmes house where we find a distressed retired Holmes and Watson, The main characters were played brilliantly by Jason Durr(Sherlock Holmes), Andrew Hall (Dr Watson), and I think I fell in love with Jason Durr for his part and the fact he was half naked, twice! *faints*

‘We must hurry, there is a thrilling tale to be told!’

Sorry I’ll get back to the important discussion. ¬†We find Watson trying to get Holmes to see sense in taking cases again. Yet we find a man who is quite clearly distressed from the events previous that nothing appears to shake him out of it. Until that is he is told not to investigate his brother’s arrest, and so the adventure begins.

Sherlock Holmes is such a well-known character and his story has been retold time and time again and to create such a piece as this proves that Holmes and his adventures will live on forever. If you are not keen on Sherlock Holmes or the theatre than I recommend, no I urge you to go see this play. Leeds has so much to offer regarding theatre and I wish I had the money to go more often, because theatre gives us another form of story telling which is far better than film or TV and just as good as reading a book. The story comes alive in front of you.

We had amazing seats down near the front and off to the side so we could see everything and also the seamless changing in scenery. Not once did I feel like we were missing anything. I wanted to absorb as much I could, The set design was just amazing, especially Holmes tatty old bookcase, one day I¬†will have one like that! ¬†The best thing about the theatre apart from the story and actors who make it come alive is the scenery. I didn’t expect anything that I saw on Thursday night, for such a small space to be constantly changed, and then plunge us into the cells or the murky streets or the warm cosy living room of 221b Baker Street.¬†The sound effects, the music and special effects were just pure genius. I felt like a little kid again, blown away by the magic of everything.

This story was full of suspense, love, danger and of course comedy. Holmes trying to avoid the Inspector and solve the mystery before him yet again. It will leave you sat going through all emotions possible, with jaw-dropping moments, tears brought to the eyes when you see the relationship between Holmes and his brother. So take a tissue and be ready to laugh and cry and enjoy a fantastic evening. I really wish I could see it again.

To book tickets for West Yorkshire Playhouse can be booked on 0113 213 7700 www.wyp.org.uk

Thank you for reading

xxx