After 3 days off I went into work, and everything just seemed to be going wrong. Part of the problem was that I was tired and another was that I was trying my hardest to concentrate and shake the feelings from over the weekend. It’s been bizarre. My Dad left my Mum a few weeks back, it’s been 17 years coming. You wonder why it didn’t happen sooner or why things stayed the same, One thing First incident was over me not saying morning and some other nonsense and I apologised, biggest mistake. Then I left home. For some bizarre reason he decided enough was enough and he decided he wanted to be on his own and left after much faffing.
This weekend was the first time I had been up since he had gone. I have not spoken to him in over a week after he started an argument via email. Now I have cut contact, especially as the only reason he wants me to visit is to hire a car.
When I went home the house seemed so strange. Quieter, bigger. I couldn’t stop noticing it and kept mentioning it. I felt bad about this as I was mean’t to be spending time with Mum and Jane, but it’s different talking on the phone then to actual real person. I don’t think we stopped talking much apart from watching Les Mis in concert and eating, oh and sleeping.
I think it will take me a while to adjust as I kept thinking my Dad would walk through the door any minute, like he had gone on holiday or something. I enjoyed the fact we could all sit in the living room and watch tv together and watch a film and show each other pictures and just talk. It was brilliant. And of course there was Mum’s cooking. Can’t beat her cornbeef pie and chips. 😀
So after what seemed a short but long few days I went to work today to find so much to do and little warning and with tiredness not helping I just ended up being grumpy. I tried chocolate, I tried coffee and nothing worked. I kept making mistakes and in the end I decided it would be better to quit while I was ahead and start again tomorrow. I decided I would go in early, grab a coffee and pastry and crack on with a clear head. I’m already feeling better for it. I just have to remember, things are 10 times better now. Yes I wish I had more money, but that’s a problem to solve gradually, yes I would love to drive again, but do you know what? You don’t have to spend any or very little to make yourself happy or someone else. A chat while having coffee and cake, a smile, a hug. A small parcel of gifts costing next to nothing. Sharing your interests, your love for reading or photography.
I wanted so much myself I felt I deserved it. I felt for some reason I was owed it and look where it got me. I fell madly in love with someone who in the end wanted something he never asked for and became so cynical it turned me into someone I didn’t like.
Granted I always wanted kids, but now I feel time has run out. Plus I think it would be better if they didn’t join our family. I don’t think I would make a good parent. Yes, don’t know what the future will bring but I would be quite happy to ‘borrow’ or ‘babysit’ other people’s kids, they would just have to sign a disclaimer that they were aware the child might be a bit hyper when handed back 🙂
So onwards, upwards diagonally which ever way, I want my friends and family, especially my Mum to be proud of me. I want to make myself happy with all the activities and making work a complete success and I want everyone to know that I am so truly grateful for sticking with me. I didn’t realise what I meant to people until this weekend, especially after reading my Sister’s blog. (see post before)
So again thank you everyone you don’t know how much this means to me.
Thank you for reading