…what a wonderful phrase, means no worries for the rest of your days’
Over the weekend I was staying at a friend’s place and basically did nothing apart from chat, eat and watch films. one of which was The Lion King, hence the name of the blog.
I really enjoyed being there, it’s like a third home. As with staying in strange places, I can’t always sleep properly. I was sharing a bed and on the second night went up before my friend and apparently when she came in I was sleeping like a starfish sprawled right a cross the bed, she didn’t have the heart to move me. Actually it was probably safer not to as if I’m in a deep sleep I can sometimes wake with a start and scream. (this has happened a few times before). She ended up on the sofa making me feel really bad.
I had a great time even though we didn’t do anything and once I got into Leeds on Monday to go to work I felt like bursting into tears as once again I just felt so lonely. I hate feeling like this. I hate the burden of bills, running a house, buying food. I’ve not cooked properly in a month I’ve lived off ready meals and junk food, hence why I feel the need to exercise. I’m having a problem with emotional eating and now emotional spending. Perhaps I should have taken a leaf out of Chris’s (the ex) book and not spent anything and saved and been miserable and played computer games, I don’t know.
Now looking at this blog and looking at the state of my affairs and absolutely dreading the next few months I feel like I’m looking at the path of destruction I have caused in the last 30 months. I really don’t know what happened but I know now the biggest mistake I ever made was not trusting or believing on myself. I shouldn’t listen to other people and follow what they want, or suggested, believing it was right. Some of it has worked out ok, and I have been amazed at the result the other has just means that like at school and home when younger I’m struggling to survive and fed-up of coping. I want things to change.
I have used up all my resources and don’t know what to do. The worst thing is I keep playing the lottery in hope that I would get a break that I could have something in my pocket. But whoever invented it believed it was right to give people false hope. ‘One day I will win the lottery and all my problems are over’. Instead of that person trying to fix the problems themselves and changing their ways.
I keep complaining myself. I think, since I was small I have always been angry at the situation we were in. from the age of 11 I think, my Dad was ill and didn’t work, my Mum, had made the decision to be a housewife after I was born and did everything in her power to give us everything we needed, we never went without. My Dad could have done more, but as people point out he was from a different generation. I think it’s just an excuse myself. Sorry Dad.
I struggled at school, I didn’t get on with people, I wasn’t as sharp as most people and revising for exams took months and a lot of hard work. A part of me believes I deserve to have what everyone else has, family: two kids a loving husband, a beautiful house with a garden and a car, so we could go on day trips and visit family. What I didn’t realise is that because of who I am the time I was born I believe that these obviously can only come from hard-work, sacrifice, and not being selfish. I’m at a loss to what to do, apart from keep on going and hope something works out. I always thought I never wanted much apart from someone to love and friendship. Only problem is, is how you go about it and how you treat people. budget better, be aware of how others are feeling and like it said in ‘to kill a mocking bird’ ‘it is more polite to ask/be interested in others then to talk about yourself’. A thing I have been forgetting in recent months.
I want things to change, I want to be able to see friends and family more and not to cost a fortune. It can be done.
The path I took in 2010, I’m now thinking wasn’t the correct one. I probably do watch too many films and believe that there is another ‘Helen’ somewhere leading a perfectly happy life somewhere, but I have been wondering recently what the hell happened over these months and how I managed to feel every emotion possible, from grief,shame,anger to hurt pride to feeling lonely even in the company of others. And now I’m trying to assess everything and pick up the pieces from the mess I’ve made. Funny how feeling low,hurt and unhappy can make you do strange things. No one really understands it until they go through similar things. Nobody knows what goes on in someone’s head and no one knows what truly is happening with other people. We just have to realise that once in a while to step back and take care of others for once. Realise they are in trouble, unhappy and help them. That way you help yourself, even if you don’t realise it.
‘When you wish upon a star, makes no difference who you are, all your heart desires will come to you, when you wish upon a star’
Thank you for reading