Monthly Archives: April 2013

Breathe and relax. Tomorrow is another day.

My sister taught me how to do pie charts :)
My sister taught me how to do pie charts ūüôā

After 3 days off I went into work, and everything just seemed to be going wrong. Part of the problem was that I was tired and another was that I was trying my hardest to concentrate and shake the feelings from over the weekend. It’s been bizarre. My Dad left my Mum a few weeks back, it’s been 17 years coming. You wonder why it didn’t happen sooner or why things stayed the same, One thing First incident was over me not saying morning and some other nonsense and I apologised, biggest mistake. Then ¬†I left home. For some bizarre reason he decided enough was enough and he decided he wanted to be on his own and left after much faffing.

This weekend was the first time I had been up since he had gone. I have not spoken to him in over a week after he started an argument via email. Now I have cut contact, especially as the only reason he wants me to visit is to hire a car.

When I went home the house seemed so strange. Quieter, bigger. I couldn’t stop noticing it and kept mentioning it. I felt bad about this as I was mean’t to be spending time with Mum and Jane, but it’s different talking on the phone then to actual real person. I don’t think we stopped talking much apart from watching Les Mis in concert and eating, oh and sleeping.

I think it will take me a while to adjust as I kept thinking my Dad would walk through the door any minute, like he had gone on holiday or something. I enjoyed the fact we could all sit in the living room and watch tv together and watch a film and show each other pictures and just talk. It was brilliant. And of course there was Mum’s cooking. Can’t beat her cornbeef pie and chips. ūüėÄ

So after what seemed a short but long few days I went to work today to find so much to do and little warning and with tiredness not helping I just ended up being grumpy. I tried chocolate, I tried coffee and nothing worked. I kept making mistakes and in the end I decided it would be better to quit while I was ahead and start again tomorrow. I decided I would go in early, grab a coffee and pastry and crack on with a clear head. I’m already feeling better for it. I just have to¬†remember, things are 10 times better now. Yes I wish I had more money, but that’s a problem to solve gradually, yes I would love to drive again, but do you know what? You don’t have to spend any or very little to make yourself happy or someone else. A chat while having coffee and cake, a smile, a hug. A small parcel of gifts costing next to nothing. Sharing your interests, your love for reading or photography.

I wanted so much myself I felt I deserved it. I felt for some reason I was owed it and look where it got me. I fell madly in love with someone who in the end wanted something he never asked for and became so¬†cynical¬†it turned me into someone I didn’t like.

Granted I always wanted kids, but now I feel time has run out. Plus I think it would be better if they¬†didn’t¬†join our family. I don’t think I would make a good parent. Yes, don’t know what the future will bring but I would be quite happy to ‘borrow’ or ‘babysit’ other people’s kids, they would just have to sign a disclaimer that they were aware the child might be a bit hyper when handed back ūüôā

So onwards,¬†upwards¬†¬†diagonally¬† which ever way, I want my friends and family, especially my Mum to be proud of me. I want to make myself happy with all the activities and making work a complete success and I want everyone to know that I am so truly grateful for sticking with me. I didn’t realise what I meant to people until this weekend, especially after reading my Sister’s blog. (see post before)

So again thank you everyone you don’t know how much this means to me.

Thank you for reading



Something From The Weekend.

My little sister wrote this truly amazing piece. had me in tears. Love you loads xxx

Lofty is as Lofty does!


It’s been weeks since my dad finally moved out. Last year he decided he was moving out (although we’d heard it all before) and it’d been dragging on for months,but eventually he left. Now that he has gone it’s just me and Mum. This past weekend was the first time my sister has been home since then. It’s also the first time she has been able to come home and be herself without there being any tension or something kicking off. 

My sister’s great, she’s a mini tornado of bustling energy and ideas and for some reason my dad’s always had it in for her. Since he’s gone, I’ve heard from him about twice. Mum’s had calls and a few texts but it’s all been about him and he never asks about her or lets her get a word in. He’s sent nasty emails to Helen and won’t leave her…

View original post 312 more words

To kindle or not to kindle, that is the question? The answer? TO KINDLE!!!!

I have crossed over to the darkside!!! eeekkkss!!!! How and why you ask???

Well there is a fairy godmother, book fairy or something that heard my wishes or read my blog and perhaps got fed-up of me harping on, I’m not sure.

I’ve wanted one since last year but not had the money or the will to save or the fact that I felt that I was betraying the paperback that I couldn’t do it.

On Saturday I was asked when I started working in my job as it has been 5 years. 5 years!!!! omg! I started in June and I can remember when it all began but it doesn’t seem that long. I’ll get back to that in a minute. But basically I got a knock on my door on Saturday night and Darren came in and I thought he was going to give me some clothes and stuff for work. He told me to hold out my hands and keep my eyes shut. Last time he did this it was a Colin Firth coaster and keyring, much to my delight and then the time after that it was actually something for work.

Anyway he placed a kindle along with a case in my hands, it actually took me a moment to realise what it was then I couldn’t stop babbling and then the tears started, then I hugged him (he doesn’t do hugs :D).

This is the best thing anyone has done for me in ages and as you can gather from the blog I’ve been on a roller-coaster of emotions and one of the many people who have stuck with me regardless has been Darren .

He means so much to me that he along with my Mum are the two people I can’t tell who what I’m truly feeling for fear of failing them. When things went wrong with the ex, I had to email him, with my Mum I talk to Jane until I feel strong enough. Mum understands this.

Darren has done so much for me. He provided me with a job, we started ona small kiosk and now have a massive stand which I run and have done for the last 4 years. He helped me move, twice. Introduced me to new music. He introduced me to the books of John Connolly and I got two books signed for him one for his birthday which I sent away and another I took with me to harrogate. He also got me running. I was rubbish at school and now have 4-10ks under my belt and 3 medals and four t-shirts to prove it ūüôā

Darren also encouraged me to restart driving lessons and in the end I passed first time. He also is the one who got me into bookclubs. I looked some up and the one that I have fell in love with is The Leeds Book Club which I now go to three of and in May it will be a year at The White Swan.

So in a way this is a big thank you to Darren. He is my hero, He is an amazing person. He has the patience of a saint and he makes me laugh. He has built up a business and I hope that we can have plenty more years of getting the company bigger and better. I really don’t know where I would be without my friends and family. Especially Darren. so thank you. I really do mean it from the bottom of my heart. x

Back to the kindle. It’s amazing little gadget. The first book I downloaded was Pride and Prejudice. One of my favourites. Love it. Doubt I’ll put To Kill a Mocking Bird on there, might leave that in paper form. I didn’t realise it did pictures to, and was blown away to see the map from Chris Nickson’s The Broken Token. How amazing is that?? I also have my favourite John Connolly book, The Book of Lost things so I don’t have to keep digging out my signed copy. ūüėÄ

I found it really bizarre that I have to press a button to turn the page, I think I managed to work out how to highlight things, makes notes, weird keyboard thingy pops up. I just can;t wait until I’m on the train ‘oop north’ at the weekend when I can test it out, granted I’m taking paperbacks to, so much to read but I’ll doubt I’ll have time. but we’ll see.

It also means it may make it easier to get books for book club, although I will still try to use the library as much as possible, but I can now even use their ebook service. Fancy that!!!!

So message from this blog, hardwork pays off. and sometimes you really don’t know what you do for someone can mean to them.

So work hard smile loads. and if you get stressed….count to 10 and breath and take a break. I’ve done that a lot lately

Thank you for reading it’s now time to read a book, now in which format do I choose????


P.S. forgot to mention, I met Darren in a photography studio when our manager had left and he was running to. He came in and was taking over the viewings, much to my relief and was at that point I think starting up the company, He ran it from his home and then hired a small unit. A few weeks later after getting told I was unprofessional by the company even though I had run the studio single-handed for two weeks I quit to. Except for the second time I¬†had¬†no job. I went up north and thought about work up there but mostly to get a break. I then got a call to ask if I wanted to do a few hours and then it took off from there. Darren then designed and had the stand we’re in now. It’s as much a part of me as I am of it, and I’m so grateful for such an¬†opportunity. Darren is one of my inspirations and I owe him so much.

“This has been Bridget Jones for Sit Up Britain.” – Bridget

“Inspiration is always the beginning of the process and being able to use a creative eye sometimes just means learning how to look.”

“You have the power to make people around you feel good. How do some people just not get that their behaviour matters?”-Abi @SewYou on Twitter

“Never give my sister fizzy pop or coffee, it doesn’t end well.” @minionsinmyhead

“May Day! May Day! Leeds Inspired SOS! Add your May Day Weekend events to the website immediately! Neee naaw! neee naaw! *blue flashing ligh” @Leedsinspired

Response to the disgust at yet another poundshop in Leeds:

Me: Seriously Leeds??? Another pound shop??? what about a book shop or a lot of smaller shops in one????

Ste: You could open a bookshop with a difference. “Carr’s book emporium” could serve 47 different varieties of cake (including stottie) and offer a free coffee for anyone who recites their favourite passage on a small stage. Ice cream would also be there but I haven’t worked out in what capacity yet but give me time


The day after the night before…..

I can highly recommend books. Reading them, discussing them, sharing them…. at home, with friends at book club or like last night at World Book Night in The White Swan in Leeds (My favourite pub ever!!!!)

Over a year ago Darren (my very good friend and Boss) suggested that I go to book clubs, I liked reading and wanted to¬†talk¬†about them and it’s a good chance to meet people. I found one at central¬†library¬†and started going but then in ¬†April last year I found out about world book night at The White Swan. What a brilliant night fantastic group of people and CAKE!

I came away with 6 or 8 books can’t remember now. But this is where it all began for me. I noticed on the board behind the notice for Leeds Book Club¬†event in May. I tried to read the book but it was so bizarre. Anyway I went, really nervous and awaited to see who would turn up. From that day Niamh who runs it set up ¬†3 others along with the 4-5 already runnning and has had me doing an Enid Blyton challenge which I somehow set myself. I have also done a few book reviews for the site to. Me reviewing books *faints*

So much has happened in the last few years, I’m beginnig to think I should have left my ex sooner. Far better off now then I wqs then. I never knew I had this talent to write and book club is brilliant for discussuions and reminishing about Sunset Beach (only happeende once because of me and a book that was really strange) Book club seems to be about cake, discussions and a good laugh. You can meet some amazing people and you get tor ead stuff that you would never think to read. Bloody brilliant!!!!

So back to last night. I applied to be a giver as a way to say thank you to World Book Club for finding Leeds Book Club. it was a good omen and I thank you. I get to meet a great bunch of people every month and it’s my mediceine when things are going wrong/bad or feeling low just because I’m female.


Hence why I think I fell into running a book club for South Leeds Community Radio.

I did a writing course after seeing it on Twitter and did my¬†usual¬†and babbled on about book club,¬†photography¬†and¬†everything¬†I liked and then not soon after that got asked to help run a book¬†club. We had¬†our¬†first this month and was aired last night and again Saturday I¬†believe¬† I listened to it and hop I don;t offend anyone and what I found strange was listening to myself talk. Because we hear ourselves¬†differently¬†to others, I don;t think I have an accent, apparently I have multiples. I’ve noticed it’s gone back to the Durham accent but¬†mainly¬†because people keep¬†pointing¬†out the¬†number¬†‘eeeiiighhhttt’

I have set a blog up which is a work in process see here

I have done loads of stuff recently and Nicola threw me right in the deep end last night and had me interviewing people. I’m sorry Nicola for getting¬†giddy. Major¬†adrenalin¬†rush, and I never thought I’d enjoy¬†interviewing¬†people¬†especially¬†when I¬†hasn’t¬†done my homework.

So before i give¬†any more¬†away as¬†that’s¬†for the radio blog, Big thanks to the three Kirsty’s, Nicola, Liam,Phil,Mike, Alison and anyone else I¬†interviewed¬†and thanks for the free books and cakes.

Thank you for reading


is it too early for bed yet???

I¬†hate¬†Monday’s, I hate the fact that I’m led to believe Monday’s a re bad when Monday’s are a start of a new week, a fresh beginning. But it always feels/seems to take longer to get going. and even the coffee didn’t help much this morning. Yesterday’s antics of running up and down the stairs after a 6 year old really took it’s toll on this old-unfit body. But hey it was fun.

So, tomorrow night is World Book Night, it’s a year since I went to the one at The White Swan pub in Leeds, one of the first times adventuring out on my own and found some fantastic people, cake and FREE BOOKS!!! To return the favour I opted for World Book Night Giver and will be giving away The Reader along with other fellow book clubbers and peeps. hopefully the radio station will be there to and The book club we did will be aired along with the Chris Nickson event as well, love to hear it again. Oh and apparently there will be lots of activities and cake at the pub! I LOVE CAKE. Book club and cake go so well together.

So what I have I learn’t. That you have to accept that you can’t have what others have unless you work for it. Nobody can love you unless you love yourself for who you are and are happy with who you are. Someone said to day, that if I’m not smiling then there’s something wrong. Sometimes it’s because I haven’t eaten or got myself completely stressed but these days I’m glad to say it doesn’t last long. I just should rememebr to take my own advice (scoffs)

At the weekend I’m off up north. I need to see my Mum. You’re never to old to need your Mum. I need some good food again. I’m apparently going out on the¬†Saturday¬†night as well. Not sure what it’s about but may have a drink. So to a busy week and a long weekend.

Thank you for reading


beautiful evening
beautiful evening
small bags at tesco
small bags at tesco

If you need to get your life in order…….enlist a 6 year old.

I had forgotten how bossy little girls are. I remember my niece driving my sister mad with her games and using her stuff and when she had gone home Jane would find things hidden in various places. I used to laugh at this and then for a first time in a long while my friends daughter came round and I forgot how chatty and bossy she is and I’m now exhausted. 3 hours of¬†imaginative¬†play and¬†traipsing¬†up and down the stairs, payback time for the neighbours ūüėÄ

I’m sure because she has the run of the whole house it fascinates her. The house has been full of life today, We’ve blown the airbed up, at one point I thought she was going to bounce off it. We’ve had clothes out and crayons for drawing and playing schools, ¬†and after tidying up this morning I have to redo it again.¬†*sighs*

We had fun. And already she is planning her next visit!!!

sticky starfish, I have the pink one and it has been named crawley
sticky starfish, I have the pink one and it has been named crawley

Children are funny. They are also wise for they’re age or it could just be what they pick up I’m not sure. Caitlin knew about my failed attempts at moving and last night she wanted to come round and play. He got the fright of his life when he came to drop something off not¬†realising¬†she was there. I thought he had come to fetch her.

Last night she dressed me in the hat and scarf and tied the knots so tight I struggled to get out of them. I had to set up a table and chair so she could have an office so she could be teacher. I was the pupil, apparently a naughty one who had to behave.

She asked if she could come round today as long as it was ok with her parents and I said yes. My friend said he would text me beforehand but apparently she was that excited, before I knew what was going on she was knocking at the door. I was going to ask him send her round with a food parcel as I didn’t have much in, she ended up eating a small amount of chilli nachos and dip, a twix and a banana sandwich (banana sandwich sounds yuk but wasn’t to bad). I just hope she eats her tea.

My tv unit had been empty for last few months as I had packed the dvds and cds away. Caitlin said I should put them back as I’m not moving and she would help, and she did. She also got me shredding all the stuff that has been sat there for months and three bags got thrown away. Hooray!!!. She also asked why I wasn’t married. Why is everyone obsessed about my love life lately??? I don’t want anyone at the minute. ¬†Anyway during the 20 questions Caitlin said I should get married and to find a handsome man as they are brilliant. I couldn’t stop laughing.

We played for 3 hours using the full house and the best bit was when she found the sticky starfish (see image above) we took it into the bathroom and threw it at the wall. It sticks and then slowly unwinds and crawls down the wall, almost like a spider, freaking both of us out. Just brilliant!

Kids are brilliant. To step into their shoes for a short time is amazing. Caitlin is such a bright young girl and I love having her around even if I do feel like I need a weeks sleep. I hope one day her little sister Evie can join us to.

Soundtrack to the day: A mix of now32,hairbrush divas, mary poppins soundtrack and watching cartoons???

‘Psychology says, people tend to value memories more than actual people. Sometimes you miss the memories, not the actual person.’


‘Never let a problem to be solved become more important than a person to be loved. -Barbra Johnson’


‘Many of you love your comfort zone too much. Yes, you can always stay there; but you can’t get where you’re trying to go if you stay.’

‘Do not let the shadows of your past darken the doorstep of your future. Forgive and forget.’

‘A TRUE friend is the only person who never gets tired of listening to your own pointless dramas over & over again.’


“Remember: People rarely #succeed unless they have fun in what they are doing… Find your #Passion and go after it!”

Thank you for reading


Life’s too short too think and be a worry wart. So Keep calm and read a book

What a week. where is this year going? I feel so old and time is slipping away when I feel like I’m only just getting started. I feel so alive. Never have I felt like this. Whoever set me free, thank you. I needed it.

Next month is a year of being a part of Leeds Book Club, the best thing since sliced cake. I also think it’s about 6 months since I started things off with the radio station, 6 months for this blog and for another ¬†anniversary, this one I didn’t¬†realise¬†until I was told on yesterday. It’s 5 years in my job. 5 years!!! where has the time gone???? I looked in my diary and I apparently it’s in June but that doesn’t matter, another milestone!!!! I have achieved so much in the last three years.

* Passed my driving test first time two years ago

* Did a writing course and started a blog

* Went to a bookclub on advice from a friend (my hero)

* Started running and have done 4-10ks, hopefully 5th in 3 months time (same friend as above)

* survived (very badly) on my own for 2.5 years (could have done a better job)

* Been to the cinema on my own

I’m sure there is more good things as well as the bad like cutting myself off from everyone and nearly losing everything. I have lost some friendships. I did what a family member did and treated some people badly I also got so wound up in over thinking and fixating on the negative and not believing in the positive as that’s always been my track record and thinking that to be happy you had to have and spend money. WRONG!!!

What you need is the good company of others, cake, coffee or tea and a good chinwag, film, meal, book club discussion. Read a book, go for a walk or run. If you do have to spend money it doesn’t have to cost the earth. My sister and I went bowling the other week, it cost ¬£20. I thought this was cheap and we had a great time.

So lesson learnt. We don’t have to have everything, everyone else has. We get back what we put in to life. Sometimes hard work pays off. But you must remember however which way your life goes the choices have been made by you and no one else. it’s no good doing what I have (taught by someone subconsciously) to blame everyone else for your mistakes for your problems for the fact your life is shit. Everyone is the same but different, and you will never, however hard you try to understand what a person is going through, but someone will always be worse off. Just be grateful for what you have. Your health, the love of your friends and family and embrace life. Because wishing for what others have and being jealous of that will only destroy you. If you want it that bad, work for it. That’s what I’ve learn’t. nothing comes easy and nothing is handed to you on a plate.

Life is too short. Tell people¬†how much you love them and don’t be ashamed to tell them when you’re in trouble, however much you feel ashamed or a failure. After all we’re only human. Human’s make mistakes. It;s the best ones that learn from them.

Thank you for reading.


p.s. my sister started a series of ‘Kermit’s adventures’ here’s my mini version ūüôā