Once again everything is changing and it feels like it’s out of my control. I’ve been told change is for the better. I’m scared of change. Although this one I have been warned about the last time I didn’t get much warning and it didn’t work as well as I hoped. I kept making the wrong decisions because I couldn’t cope. I felt a failure and couldn’t admit it. I didn’t ask what was going on incase I was told that things weren’t working or worse they didn’t need me and they don’t. I spent money without thinking. I did things I didn’t need to, just felt I had to instead of saving and going to visit people. I made these decisions, I wasn’t brave enough to ask for help. I let people use me.
Facebook is a good and a bad thing. It has connected me with family members who I have lost and reconnected with. It’s a secret world where you can pretend to be someone else. It creates a different version of you or keeps the one you were in the past on hold for people who knew you years ago. It can cause problems when reading things depending on how you’re feeling. Arguments or deep discussions are the worse thing when text based. I own up to doing it and regret it. Sometimes I can only convey myself via the written word. I couldn’t tell a good friend what had happened with Chris. I had to email him. How silly is that!!!!
Recently someone tried to add me as a friend on FB. It turns out it was an old boyfriend from Middlesbrough. Well, we lived in the same house and came from different parts of the country. I felt touched he wanted contact as I don’t think we parted on good terms. I apologised about what happen. We had both left home for the first time and had to deal with the pressure of coursework. All I remember is we didn’t spend enough time alone and then I had the shock of my friend Carly’s Death and then everything just came crashing down. I’m always fond of my time at boro and remember it was something to do with this guy’s eyes (it’s always the eyes with me) and when I saw a picture of him and he hadn’t changed, I was blown away. I think that’s why I felt the need to say sorry.
Work has been my saviour it has been the one steady thing in the last five years and once or twice I’ve either lost it or nearly walked away because I couldn’t cope. I’ve been told change is good and to embrace it. I think it’s because I’ve lost trust in myself again and in others. I am wary of things working out for the best. I now find myself acting oddly at work. this is not me. I don’t like it. I feel like a scared child.
Last night I watched the Big Bang Theory, I love that programme and my favourite episode is the one where Sheldon struggles to solve an equation/problem and at the end is in the ball pool popping up and shouting ‘BAZINGA!!’ I feel like shouting to. I feel like 2013 is a write off and needs to be started again. Or do I wait until 2014? No. I need to get this mess sorted. I need to change I need to get out of this house and this mess. Just might need some help doing it.
After spending a day with my friend I saw a book in a series of the Game of Thrones. I had heard about it a bookclub and decided against it at first. Id already set myself a challenge this year of reading 33 books. (not working out very well) and thought the last two times I jumped on the bandwagon I didn’t enjoy it that much, one was Twilight, I know it’s teenage fiction but did she have to whinge about everything??? (oh wait that’s me) and then Fifty Shades. what a pile of &*%$£. So I was a bit sceptical about this but was advised by a couple of friends that the books are brilliant and the TV series aren’t too bad either. So I’m goign to give it a go and change a book on my list.
So on this first day of spring, I have let out my thoughts and if you have any advice or just want to tell me to stop moaning and kick myself up the bum, feel free. As at some point I’ll look at this and laugh 🙂
Thank you for reading