Today I met my Mum and did for the first time in a long while, I sat and listened. Mum needed to talk and I didn’t stop her. I can’t remember the last time I did that. I’ve got so much going round in my head, that I never know how to process it and being on your own, and being me who bottles everything up and then the first person you see you just babble on like you have verbal diarrhoea.
My Mum along with some other people I know is the strongest person in the world. And me? I just go round and round in circles and just let negative people beat me down. Ever since i was little I have wanted to have the affection from my Dad that a little girl craves and I never got it. (sorry Dad but it’s true) Whether it’s a generation thing or just who my Dad is, I’ve always wanted him to say he was proud of me (it took 32 years and a car named Bernard to do it). I had the father/daughter relationship I craved with my ex’s father and when things went wrong, the hardest thing from the break-up was the loss of this relationship. We were thick as thieves and I adored him.
The other male influences in my life such as My Mum’s brother and brother’s in law’s I absolutely adore and I hate leaving Norwich when I visit. They have been such a big part of my life. So was my brother until a few years back and we lost touch. He’s 12 years older and we used to love the fact he would visit every so often and we’d get him to draw us pictures, because he was a fantastic cartoonist and then get him to play football with the other kids, but he was always on our team. Funny how families/ people lose touch.
I’ve been told I’m no good at listening, I believe it. I know why. I don’t want people who I think appear strong, intelligent,confident, have what I think ‘everything going for them’ to tell me it’s not, and for me not to be able to do anything about it to help, when they’ve helped me so much. In the end I’ve pushed them away and lost them.
What I realised today is. I need to concentrate on things that are happening today. Concentrate on the things you can do for free or perhaps cost of a drink/cake in a pub once in a while :). Bookclub, volunteer at the radio, and most of all spend time with people I love and just listen.
I’m beginning to wish I had been more ‘savvy’ with my money so I could visit Mum more, trying to talk on the phone isn’t the same, plus their phone line is dodgy (don’t ask) and you can’t here each other. I might even start writing letters to Mum to let her know what’s going on until they can get the phone line fixed.
So this is to say thanks Mum. You have always had faith in me even though I don’t, You’ve always told me I’m good at what I do, your my Mum so I expected you to say this and I’m sorry as others have said this to and yes I still don’t believe them either, like I said the other day I feel split in two and this ‘Helen’ who goes to book club and do things and I think she’s a completely different person.
So thank you for everything that you have done for me. I’m sorry that things haven’t gone the way I wished and I so badly want to give you Grandchildren. I am part of a three and I’ve always wanted to have three kids and I know you are a fantastic Grandma as well as Mum.
I promise I will do my best from now on and keep in touch more often. I love you loads and can’t thank you enough. You are my inspiration and I just hope I have inherited your strength and sense and can change things for the better.
Love you loads
Thank you for reading