The Three ‘H’s

The Three Helen’s doesn’t have the same ring.

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Classic photo booth shots for the leisure centre card. I absolutely love these
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Me as a ba

So, it’s my third day off and I didn’t have a good night sleep last night, at around 1am, I managed to kick two duvets off the bed and when I tried to get them back on I got into a right tangle. I should have got up and sorted it properly but I was too tired. I woke up this morning and could only remember the dream of cleaning the kitchen and finding a half loaf of bread gone very mouldy. could it mean to let go of old stuff???

Some interpretations off the net:

‘I would interpret it as signifying that something in my life was past its sell by date. A relationship perhaps?’

‘Bread-To see bread in your dream, represents the basic needs of life. Bread may signify the positive qualities and great things you have learned on your journey of life’

‘The meaning of bread in dreams will depend quite a lot on the context of the dream, your religious and cultural background, and your personal experiences. However, in general, I would say that bread symbolises nurturing – perhaps even a spiritual nurturing.’

‘Bread is a staple food in many countries. It is also a fundamental part of some religious rituals such as Christian communion and Jewish passover. Food nourishes the body so in dreams, food tends to represent nurturing. So putting all this together, I would say that bread represents the very foundations of the nurturing of love and spirituality within yourself.’

‘Now think about this symbolism of bread in the context of the dream. For example, if someone gave you bread and you ate it and liked it, then the dream is very positive and you were probably feeling very nurtured at the time of the dream. However if for example the bread was mouldy or something (lol!), it might mean that you are neglecting your spirituality and nurturing side.’

So from that I think I’m thinking to much about the past and hanging onto all this old stuff is holding me back???

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This was 6 years ago

I think I’m procrastinating sat here writing this blog, but I’ve been doing a lot of thinking. Way to much thinking. I was talking to my Mum last night about everything going on and said that I was feeling old. Her response was ‘you don’t have to act old. Your chance will come, you just have to know when it does’. 

Someone once told me I was born old. I think they might be right. Either that or the fact, when growing up I never felt like I could relax around my Dad. Probably why I’m always on the go now. When we were little if we ran ahead, were too noisy, split icecream or anything we would get into trouble. Luckily where we lived there was an area to play so we used to escape most days and play among the trees and allotments. At home I think we played in the dining room out the way. Even as an adult when I’m around my Dad I still feel slightly on edge.

Growing up was fun, We used to play with all the kids on the street, you don’t see that much now. I had a best friend who I grew up with and went right through to Comprehensive school where we parted. I hated comprehensive. You wouldn’t necessarily believe it now but I was quite shy at school. It was also to big, very scary, all the corridors and rooms and I struggled at school. So many lessons and so much to take in. P.E., music and Drama were my worst subjects. I ended up going through comprehensive with very few friends, it was quite a lonely time. It didn’t help that I struggled with most subjects and had to put in so much work to make sure I didn’t drop into the lower band. I hated the school social gatherings the most. I also got in to trouble for correcting my score on a maths test. Ms Brown was a very scary woman and was not very pleased.

I don’t know what they do in schools these days but I did get a lot of help from the teachers as regard my studying but that can also effect your standing in school and like me get bullied for it. Don’t get me started on that.

When you’re a kid you want to be able to experience all the things adults do. I was put off alcohol, because when my Mum was away once, my Dad gave me something to help me sleep (think it was whisky) and I remember it being horrible. Also I didn’t dare put a foot wrong, so I wasn’t like kids where you sat on the street corner drinking cider and smoked. No I waited until I was 18 to start drinking and went out with my Best friend Carly every Friday night. And still then Dad didn’t really know what I was doing. Mum told him I was ‘drinking orange juice with a little bit of alcohol in it’ how he didn’t know that night I couldn’t get the key in the door, and he opened it and I fell through. Or maybe he did when he told my Mum ‘She came in as pi*%$d as a newt trying to get in through the letterbox’. when I got up the next morning my Mum told me to be careful as my Dad wasn’t impressed with me. I thought it was very funny and my greatest achievement so far in annoying my Dad.

A teacher at my school told my Mum I wouldn’t get very far. I think this spurred me on to prove them wrong and I worked solidly to avoid getting d’s and e’s as predicted and came out with a B, 4 -C’s and the rest D’s. Not bad considering.

I think it’s at this point it started going wrong, I achieved more than I expected and got onto an art course but again got pushed back and had to do an intermediate course. I worked hard but clashed with one of the teachers. I got a high mark on this course and moved on to the next. I think I should have stepped back at this point and looked at something else. The other option to me was Nursery Nursing but the course leader wanted a particular type of person I think. I didn’t fit in.

When I look back I have always just wandered from one thing to the next. Put in 110%, but something always comes and knocks me off my path and I find it very hard to get back on track. I have always had low self-esteem, I’ve never believed in myself and have sometimes don’t like who I am. I don;t see what others do.

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In recent months people keep asking for the ‘Old Helen’ back. But they can’t explain who she is. after reading my friend’s latest post check it here-Rachel’s Blog, I realised there’s three sides to ‘H’. There’s the inner child/frightened ‘H’. The ‘PTP’ ‘h’ (i.e. work) and the social ‘H’.

The Work ‘H’

The work ‘h’ just gets on with things does the job to the best of her abilities, but gets scared when her confidence gets a knock because something has gone wrong. Can achieve quite a lot in a day and although she thinks her education may have been a waste of time it’s finally getting put to some good use. Especially when doing restorations or helping a customer design a mug. Is a hard worker and is very proud of her work and what the company has achieved in the last 5 years and the little stand feels like a home from home.

ImageThe social ‘H’

At college we used to go out drinking every week. Meet up at weekends to go shopping, watch sunset beach and discuss it in great length. I also took up line dancing at the local church and was in a competition.When I left home the first year was filled with music gigs, nights out, where for the first time I stayed out past 1am and got carried out of a nightclub for falling asleep. Not the first time I might add. Then I came to Leeds for uni. And again the first year was great, it started to die off  in the second year and think completely went by the third.  After leaving uni, everyone went their separate ways, we stayed in touch but it became rare trips to the bowling alley, cinema and the odd pint in the pub.until it all dried up.  I think I lost a big part of myself when we stopped going out. And then I ended up here. Sat in this big house on my own. It was suggested I find a book club or something to ‘get me out the house’ To be honest it’s the best thing along with running that’s happened to me in the last two and half years. I now attend four and love it. I’ve also started looking at other things to do. I did a writing course at my local radio station and will be starting a bookclub shortly with them. Someone recently told me I was a legend. This Helen I like but I don’t think it’s me. I can’t believe it’s me.

The inner child/frightened ‘H’

Because of the big changes in my life I think my inner child has come back. I find my reactions/responses to things quite frightening. I didn’t notice until someone pointed them out, and because I’ve pushed people away and because things have got so bad with the house and not being able to cope on my own and feeling like an utter failure, again. That when things get too much I get scared and want to hide away. When I was little my Mum used to know the signs when this happened and we used to sit down and talk about it. These days it’s generally when the cleaning kicks in that I begin to worry. Hence the blogs as I can’t go running to sort my head out. Sometimes I feel like a big kid and get very excited over silly things, I think because I’m on my own and I haven’t got that person telling me we can’t go to see a film because it costs money and a car is bad for the environment and blah blah blah, I’ve gone a bit silly and enjoyed what I’ve had with money and got myself in a right pickle. Sounds really stupid that a 33 year old is saying this but I think it’s been a coping mechanism and not a very good one. The inner child just wants to be accepted, to  be helped into discovering who she is. and to understand that change is good. To understand that if we miss out on certain things it’s not a failure, it may not have meant to happen. We don’t know where the paths we take will lead us and when we take the wrong ones we need a bit of guidance to get back.

I’ve never asked for much, well maybe too much, I’m quite happy with the simple things in life. But it would be nice to be able to afford the latest gadget to own a car to be able to drive off when want to. To return the kindness that people have shown me. To have someone just hug me for no reason. Small gestures are the best, a book, a chat over coffee and of course cake.

So if you’ve read this and think I’m slightly crazy, I maybe be, but most of all I’m just feeling lost. I need to merge the three ‘H’s together, stop being so hard on myself and hope that one day I’ll meet the ‘H’ I really like.

Crikey have seen the time been sat her for 90mins. too much to discuss me thinks.

Thank you for reading.

xxx

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2 thoughts on “The Three ‘H’s

  1. Really enjoyed reading this Helen. I think you should write some more stories from your past. I’d like to know about Carly.
    The mouldy bread- my interpretation:
    You’re not taking care of your basic needs.

    All your energy is in your head with worries and repetitive thoughts. You need to ground your energy down into your feet & through the earth. Yoga can help with this- also a good form of exercise to do with an injury as you can work around it! Cook healthy food, and rest, rest, rest!! Get off the computer to give your brain a break. Maybe do some painting/drawing or make some cakes!!

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