‘Love ain’t here anymore’

‘Love ain’t here anymore 
It’s gone away, to a town called yesterday’

Gary Barlow (I love Take That. hated it when they split)

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It’s nearly two and half years since it all went wrong. It should have been sooner. It wasn’t because we fell into that trap of being comfortable/routine. We fogot to communicate. I faught so hard to change things when I realised things didn’t feel right. I respected they’re wishes yet in the end it was my fault for what they did. I believed in someone because they accepted me for who I was, warts and all. It took the best part of six months to get together because someone pointed it out and I had failed to realise I felt the same because I was too scared to let anyone in and as they say ‘at the time I wasn’t looking’.  And when it did I felt on cloud nine.

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The problem with humans is that we want and expect too much. We always have to complicate things. We can’t be thankful for what we have and we can’t appreciate the small things; a smile, a hug, a kiss, time spent together watching a dull film/tv programme in bed, just doing nothing but being together. Chatting about our day whether the other person is interested or not.

As I’ve said before, we never know truly what is going on inside the other person’s head, we never truly know how they feel. We either tell or hear the words we want to. We’re too scared not to be liked or loved. We too scared to tell the truth, to say, no I’m not happy. This isn’t working. Can we fix it and if not what do we do? We’re don’t want to admit we’ve failed at something.  Because in our society it’s frowned upon to fail.

As we grow-up we’re expected to follow a certain path. Obviously there’s the route everyone takes school-uni-job or school-job. Work for forty odd years-retire. Then there’s the other aspect; relationships. First boyfriend/girlfriend in early teens. First kiss, ‘grown-up relationship’ leading to Marriage + kids. Unfortunately life doesn’t always work like this. As I once got told, I’m too wrapped up in my ‘lovey dovey’ films, i.e. Moulin Rouge, Bridget Jones etc. That the world doesn’t work like that. Well no it doesn’t.  Us girls should have the right to expect a Mr Darcy to come in and sweep us off our feet. It’s not just films and TV that do this, it’s us as people.

I know people don’t mean anything it by it when they question ‘how’s your love life?’ it’s just something to say some way of starting a conversation.  Like saying ‘hey what’s going on in your life?’ Everyone has an opinion on everything. And you can guarantee if they’re not in that situation they’ll suddenly magic up a crystal ball and tell you that the person who’s meant for you is out there, you’ve just got to find them.  Or it’ll work out, stop stressing as there’s no point in worrying about things that haven’t happened yet.  I hear all this but sometimes it’s hard to change bad habits. To be fair I’ve been told I’m very good at giving advice I just can’t follow my own, because I’ve never been one to think about me, to look after me. Because I haven’t and still don’t have any faith in me.

When things went wrong I shut down. I listened to other people and felt that I couldn’t let them down anymore and that I should try and make the best of a bad situation. In truth, I felt numb, lost and just didn’t know what to do. I went to live with some people because I thought it was the best thing to do, but then things weren’t what I was expecting and the whole atmosphere in that house wasn’t good for me. Nobody wanted to listen.  I felt everyone expected me to get on with things, like someone said to me ‘no one died; you should be over it by now. I wish they had. It would have been easier.  I wouldn’t still be in love with someone that doesn’t exist, that is now just an outer shell, Who I loved is gone and realising now, that this is someone I never really knew.

 In the last two and a bit years, I have lost the power of trust. My memory fails in times of stress, proven last week with the TV remote in the sink, however I have ran 4 10ks. Passed my driving test first time.  Gone to bookclubs on my own to meet new people (it’s almost a year since I started) Moved into a house I can no longer manage to look after  (epic fail on that judgement call).

 I have lived on my own for this length of time and really don’t know how I’ve done it. I’ve made so many bad decisions because I didn’t trust myself, because I thought I was living a nightmare and that someone would suddenly turn round and say I got it wrong you pulled the wrong ticket out this is the one you should take. And all would be well again.

So what now you say after that depressing piece of blurb. Can love conquer all and heal a broken heart? A crushed soul? Or is that best left to a chat with friends/and family and a large tub of chocolate ice-cream? I really don’t know because you can follow all the advice given to you and in the end as I kept being told, you are the one who has to make the decision. After all it’s your life, and you make of it what you will. So in the future, I won’t listen too closely to what people say (bad idea last time, although I’m sure they mean’t well), and don’t do things just to impress people. You have to be fully committed to doing something otherwise you lose your self-respect and others wont respect you for it, they’ll just see you as a push over. Oh and try to trust my own judgement and do things for the sake of it. Even if it means growing old and grey with just the dvd of Pride and Prejudice to keep me company :).

Thank you for reading

xxx

Update 17/01/201

Sometimes we forget that we have some really good friends/people in our lives and we should simply just stop and tell them when things go wrong what the matter is. hard as it is, it’s quite simple. I read somewhere that you shouldn’t always believe your thoughts. I think I’ve lived alone to long in my own company and need to get ‘out of my head’ the silly things that worry me.

x

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