Only the lonely

I’m feeling a bit muddled at the moment. It’s my birthday two weeks today and I was looking forward to it but the last few months have been so up and down I feel like I’ve lost my way a bit.

I keep discovering new things about me, about other people, about what people think of me and although it probably sounds like I’m feeling sorry for myself, and perhaps I am. I have felt really lost everyone seems to be moving on and buying houses, they’re children are growing fast, and I feel like I’m being left behind.

But like someone pointed out today, Everyone wants what everyone else has and are not happy with what they have. Humans are greedy and don’t accept how lucky they are. Sounds daft I know. People might not like their job. I do, I love it. People get jealous of what other people have, family, house, car, talent,free time. They want what they don’t have but don’t look at what they have there and then.

I have looked back at the last two years and yes I would love to start again October 2010. I would love to grab hold of that person and go ‘look at what you are doing. Think woman’ and maybe I wouldn’t feel like I do now. But the wonderful thing about humans is hindsight. ‘What if I had done this?’ ‘Why didn’t I do this?’ ‘I daren’t do this because this happened last time’ and so on and so on. We also don’t learn from our mistakes. I wish I did. I wish I hadn’t buried my head in the sand for so long and I wish I had listened to my instincts earlier and screamed ‘this is not right, something is wrong’

In these last two years I have never felt so lost or lonely. Doesn’t matter if I’m on my own or in a group, I’ve either felt like I’ve been imposing or I don’t belong, and wondered why should people like me. To feel lonely when You’re among friends and family is such a sad thing and I’m hopefully going to put a stop to that.

So what have I achieved? well I started running and enjoyed it. I raised money for charity and got my personal best in the York 10k 58mins and 14 seconds. My best achievement to date!

I have been out to bookclubs and as someone pointed out to go to groups on my own and meet complete strangers is an achievement on it’s on. At the time I didn’t think anything of it but I still don’t think I mingle enough. I am a bit wary of how people might react and I think that’s why I end up getting nervous and the verbal diahorrea comes out 🙂 I love book club. especially the Leeds Bookclub. I’m starting to feel it’s my saviour. I really enjoy it and love the people I meet there, and now there’s new challenges, and I’m attempting book reviews! I wasn’t doing this 2-3 years ago.

Same with my driving. I would love to do that again and can’t believe I left it so long to start lessons. Passing my test first time was such a shock to the system. and getting to drive Bernard (hire car) and go places with my Dad was just amazing. I just wish I had the money to own and run a car.

I set myself a challenge this year to read 69 books. 33 of which are from my collection that I have in my spare room and have had for years, the rest are from bookclubs. the first one to finish was for a bookclub and I pushed myself to finish it as it was the first of the year and wish I hadn’t I forgot it’s ok not to read it, and as someone pointed out today why waste time on something you’re not going to enjoy. So new rule, because I’ve added the Enid Blyton challenge, I’m not going to be as strict on my list and if I drop one from one list, I’ll pick one from the other and catch up at the end of the year, leaving more time for reviews. Lets see how it goes.

I’ve just been listening to this podcast and fully agree with it being hard to cull books and dread I do the same with an e-reader:

Also if I have a pile of books to read and I end up going into a charity shop I will come out with loads and then add them to the pile that won’t get read for years. I think I have 6-8 storage boxes full and can’t bear to part with them. So I’m starting my reading list from the boxes this year. and even if I do manage to get an e-reader the paperback will always be my secret love, because the smell, feel of a paperback is fantastic and being in a charity shop or second-hand bookshop is just heaven for me, and like the guy says you can get it for 25p! bargain. I got Pride and Prejudice for that 6 years ago and it’s been my favourite ever since. Also check out libraries when they clear stock.

So to 2013. stop fearing the worst. Stop holding onto the past, for whatever reason. Life’s to short. So to the present I have, it may not be the one I expected or wanted but I have so much going on with the radio station, bookclub and work that really I should have no time to stop and think, But I do.

So as several people keep telling me things are never as bad as they seem, don’t fear the worst as that won’t do any good, and something will always turn up. well I hope you’re right. But the best thing people keep saying to me is

Keep on smiling

I’ll do my best.

Thank you for reading


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