Have you ever wanted to scream and go ‘why me? stop playing games!!’

good things and good people…

“Optimism is a happiness magnet. If you stay positive, good things and good people will be drawn to you.” – Mary Lou Retton (From Jump for Joy blog)

Last night I was at the bus stop after staying longer to help shift the backlog, I missed one bus and had to wait 30mins for a bus, only for that to be late. I ended up talking to people Simply because of there accent. They were from London, they had been on the phone and the conversation (yes I was listening in) was about work and how this time of year was getting to them and when people get fed-up it’s time for change. She was also complaining that another woman in the office wasn’t pulling her weight and soon the manager would realise this when she looked at the filing system or something. Yes I took a lot in, I was bored and fed-up of the cold and my knee aching. Anyway I asked where she came from and she said London and had been in Leeds 5 years, She thought I might be but I said I had moved from County Durham about 11 years ago, her reply was which made me laugh ‘We’re both Immigrants then!’
So on to the question I have to ask as this is how I felt when I woke up this morning.
Have you ever felt like you’ve ran into a brick wall?
I don’t mean physically, I’ve never ran at one on purpose on by accident although when I was little I walked into a lamppost with my toy pram, lost a nail on my finger and buckled the wheel on my pram. Back tot he point in hand. This time of year it’s very hard to stay positive. extra strain is put on resources and onto people. This week I am out of my routine. I have to start work later and yesterday everything from start to finish made me wish I hadn’t bothered. I slept in longer, I woke up full of snot, I then faffed about getting ready I had to try run for the bus (not supposed to put pressure on the knee) and then from the word go it was hectic. I felt lost.
I was mean’t to be going for a drink and catch-up with two old friends but had to cancel because I felt dreadful and had a feeling (these keep coming true lately and it’s scary! instinct might be working again) it wouldn’t be a good idea, not enough time to have a good chin-wag/moan/laugh.  By about 2pm I realised I would have to stay an hour longer just to be able to tidy up and check what was needed to do the next day was all prepared. So I ended up getting back late, I had nothing to eat, didn’t think it was a good idea in case it made me stay awake.  The reason I asked if you have ever felt like running into a brick wall was because this year I have tried and tried to improve my lifestyle live within my means (not working!!) cope with both work and running a house and every time I seem to be getting anywhere another door slams in my face.
Yes it sounds very negative and believe me I’m trying not to be I’m just getting fed-up of everything being a struggle, just let me get on with my life, and finally starting to be happy again and now once again I have to take action.
arrrggghhhhh! Christmas is mean’t to be or so we believe time of goodwill and all that rubbish. So far I have found out that some one I care deeply about is ill and has been for a while and he’s done so much for me and I can’t do a darn thing for him apart from give him a hug and I feel helpless. Another person has lost their Mum, granted she had a good life and had been ill recently but you’re never too old to be affected by the loss of your Mum. Then I return home last night to a letter from the landlord requesting more money from me in the new year. Thanks for the timing on that one!!! Now I have to think what I’m going to do and whether I keep all the inanimate objects I’ve fallen in love with and have bought with hard earn cash or whether  sell it for next to nothing or give it to charity. I did say I didn’t want so much responsibility next year I just wish whoever was listening could give me a bit more time or perhaps could have listened to my wish of a small lottery win. Yes we think money solves anything. We also think if we had a ‘new’ phone or whatever our heart desires our lives would be far better when in fact once we get what we wanted we are only truly happy for a short period of time and then we go back to the same old cycle and never truly realise that we don’t need these things and what we actually have inside our selves and the relationships we form with family and friends is far better than wanting things we simply can’t afford,have or need.
So whoever is out there listening to me please give me a bit of a break?!? I have felt like this year has been a bit of a roller-coaster  Things constantly changing. I have loved bookclub and now I have a published review on there (still chuffed to bits with that!). I have ran 3-10ks and that is my proudest achievement to date! I love my job it’s helped me realise that all that studying and training at uni wasn’t a complete waste of time. I’ve l also started writing this year, again was not that good at school, but have been writing this blog and then went onto to do a mini course at the local radio station which looks like it’s opened some other doors for next year.
My ‘what if’s’ of the the year is as high as a mountain and if I hadn’t have gone for a run in the woods my knee might not have got damaged and i could have continued my new love. I think that’s  why I tried photographing again and started writing, needed another form of releasing stress and to feel better about myself.
So what should we do at this time of year? When everyone is under pressure to get the ‘big’ day right? When everyone is worrying it won’t go right? That they have to get the ‘perfect’ present, I think this applies more so this year with the lack of money floating about. What we should be doing is rallying around each other, make each other laugh when things get too much. Offer the small gesture say a chocolate bar or a hug just to bring the spirits up or as my sister did, give something, I found a parcel at work yesterday and thought ‘what have I been ordering’ then realised it was from her and thought what book has she sent but instead it was again two music cds. This was just priceless, it wasn’t what I was expecting but it came at the right time and had me roaring with laughter and my colleagues looking at me more strangely then ever. So thank you Sis, that came at the right time and just what I needed. Love you loads.
The two Cds sent as a joke by my sister
Thank you for reading

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