I just found this blog & it’s almost exactly how I feel at the moment
It’s funny how you can’t see things for looking. Just spent ten minutes looking for the spaghetti and gave up. Went to get changed, came back and looked in the first place I started an there it was sat at the back clear as day. I always find that if I lose stuff and look for it in a panic/stressed I’l never find it. I have to leave it for ten minutes and can almost guarantee I will put my hand straight on it when I go back in. It’s the same with arguments. Take a breather and go back with a cool head. This sort of happened over a year ago when I was learning to drive. The ‘looking for things bit’ Things were going on in my personal life and I didn’t realise how much it was effecting me. I couldn’t do simple things like ‘turn in the road’ or ‘reverse around the corner’ which I had done millions of times. I got stopped from Driving. When I explained what was going on I was told to sort it out and that’s when my life changed completely. Not sure at the moment whether it was for the best or not. When I restarted driving 6 months later I was fine and within a few months passed first time. I can see the pattern happening again I’ve had too much happening recently that I can’t filter out and I keep making silly mistakes. I think that’s why I became interested in Freud again and wanted to set myself a project to keep busy.
Last year I went to see a counsellor to sort out some issues. She was brilliant. I seemed to be getting through some issues. I didn’t realise how much I shut away. I regret finishing so early as I didn’t realise I had so many things so deep-rooted that I’ve been carrying around all these years. Recently I’ve felt like I’ve stepped backwards and I’m scared. I seem to have lost too many friends recently or thought they were friends but had it completely wrong and the ones I do have are not close enough for me to run and get a hug from or are in the wrong place at the wrong time.
I’ve been wondering what my life would have been if I had gone to counselling 12 years ago when my best friend died. Would I have had the same luck in counsellor? Would I have made the same decisions I have in the last 12 years. Would I have entered the relationship with my ex on the notion that someone liked me just for being me?. I don’t know if you have read any of my blogs or if anyone knows me personally. But I can sometimes have really low self esteem can be quite bubbly but also can get quite stressed out if too much gets on top of me and can’t deal with it. I will help anyone with anything at a drop of a hat and love to have a good chat and giggle.
One of the reasons I bottle things up, is because it’s a behaviour I’ve had from childhood. My Dad says I’ve always been independent and stubborn and never asked for help with anything, and that’s why we never got on. When I was growing up (and my family won’t appreciate me saying this probably, sorry Mum) Mum had health problems which every so often on a morning we dealt with (not many mornings but they’ve stuck in my head). My sister later developed the same condition and I ended up feeling like I should always be on my best behaviour and not bother Mum too much with my troubles. I couldn’t talk to Dad. He always seemed to wrapped up in his old world and I’m not sure he was aware what was going on with Mum. Mum always used to realise something was up and it usually all came out at bedtime because something silly would trigger it off and I’d end up bawling my eyes out. Tonight that’s what’s happened by watching Home and Away. it’s not even real!!!! Sat here with the kitchen roll letting all the tension out. I feel like I need a big tub of ice-cream but that’ll just add to my other worries of putting on weight. I’ve put 3 pounds on since I stopped running. I don’t know why it’s getting to me, it just is.
Happiness- another blog
It’s always easy to look back and say ‘what if’ what if I’d gone to counselling. Like I said before, would I have made the same life choices. would I have moved to Leeds? would I have just got a normal job up north and ended up still being single or would I have found someone? Would I have met the amazing people I have in my life now? I really don’t know.
What I know is that whatever you push to one side in your mind because people tell you not to worry about, to not let you effect you doesn’t work for me. I worry about everyone and everything. Who ever has touched on my life I end up caring for them really deeply and perhaps expect the same from them and that’s when it all goes wrong.
I do admit it’s the worst habit about me, shutting down, blocking out all the troubles. But when you learn to let people help you and then that person changes and you can’t even discuss what went on in your day ‘because it didn’t interest them’ You go back to those securities of locking everything away. It took me a long while to trust people and myself again. The only problem is I seem to have got so far forward and then I’ve stepped back again and the same things go round and round and I just can’t seem to let go. Someone told me once that people would get fed-up if they kept hearing the same things. And perhaps that’s true. I lost 8 years of my life which I won’t get back, some which were amazing and others I deeply regret I didn’t do something sooner. I so badly want to let go but I need to forgive myself first. And that’s one thing I can’t seem to do.
So this is me and to if I were your friend, I’d only ever want the simple things, But sometimes I think I’m asking for too much. All I ask is for a piece of your time, a chat, (preferably in a neutral area, funny how timing and environments can affect your emotions) or even on the phone. Doesn’t have to be deep and meaningful as I normally talk bollocks anyway, just put me back on the right track as I don’t know how to ask for help and sometimes I just need picking up and pointed in the right direction. Or to discuss a book I’ve been reading even if you’ve not, films watched recently, music you’ve listened to, anything. In return I will listen (and yes I can listen :)) and also share what mind-blowing knowledge I have. and most of all a hug.