Proud to be me

I’ve been helping my friend Kirsty practice her coursework so she can start a new career, and it has helped me wonders without realising it. In 2013 I did Cognitive Behavioural Therapy and was ok for a bit, swapped jobs and then completely forgot about it thinking I was ok. Big mistake! I should have carried on with this and should be doing it still today. I came to this conclusion after yesterday’s workshop with Kirsty. Over the past few weeks we have created a vision board, got all the pens, glue, pins and started to create stuff and I didn’t realise how much I missed it.

I found myself on the internet yesterday looking for diaries as I wanted to start sorting out next year, getting an idea of dates etc, I have already designed a wall planner using clipart off the web, and bought a mini calendar for the kitchen. In the end after finding a couple on the internet I decided instead of ordering online I’d go check out the stock instead, and I’m so glad I did. Even though it took me a good ten minutes of walking around in circles to find the bloody thing, I actually found one much better instore (1st proud moment) than online and it has loads more to offer.

Like a note section which I can use now and then go back to the proper diary in January. I also nearly gave up on the idea of food shopping today as the weather has been awful, and I didn’t want to walk back soaked. But luckily the rain held off and I got an amazing amount of food, under budget to (second proud moment). After getting some free food outside the St Johns Centre which was a samosas and curried lentils, I decided I needed to cook a vegetable curry from scratch. So an hour later, 4 heavy bags, cupboards now stocked with veg, I cooked a curry and it was amazing. I even washed up while it was bubbling away. Normally I leave it for days, but no, I cleaned up.

And now, I’m going to grab some me time and read a book. That’s my first step at goal setting. To read for an hour a day. So far so good. Just need to start the exercising malarky again, perhaps a walk into work might be an idea.

Thank you for reading


Thank you Mum

Yesterday I had an hour long chat with my Mum, I don’t do this enough, more so because I’ve felt so up and down these past few months, I know she can tell, and over the phone is a bit hard, as you can’t comfort that person.

Everyone says that they have the best Mum in the world, but I truly do. She has grown up as the eldest daughter of 6 siblings, and was expected to go to work when possible and maybe help look after the younger one, and she has gone through so much to get where she is today and most of all made me who I am, and I’m proud of that.

Sounds daft but, I try so hard not to be like my Dad that I think it broke me, instead I look at my bad points/habits and try to notice them and change them when I can. One of my biggest problems is not asking for help, I don’t know how. I see it as failure, as I’ve always done things myself where possible. I grew up helping my Mum look after my sister, and at times when Mum was unwell I took care of her to.

I always felt I need to try stay in the background so Mum could focus on my sister, but she knew when I was troubled and on a night when I used to sit on her bed talking she would coax it out of me, and then the tears would start and Mum would sort my problems out. Later in life I found that bottling it up didn’t work and did cause issues, but I could never find a way to express myself properly. Now after several years some life changing events, some delayed counselling, I feel like all my Mum’s handwork has paid off and I know not to leave it to long before I next call her.

So thank you Mum for being my Mum and teaching me all those things when we were young, for letting us use the library and bringing home armfuls of books, for encouraging our arty side, from slat dough to drawing and painting, for being an amazing cook, I wish I could have corn beef pie more often. For listening and giving me pep talks even at the age I am now.

I love you so much, and feel very lucky to be your daughter.


‘Oh, I’ll get by with a little help from my friends’

It’s midweek and my day off.  A friend told me last week she had a job interview and immediately I decided to help her and make sure she had everything she needed. After last years job swapping I realised I could help. I also got another friend involved and although I got the plans mixed up, everything worked out a treat. I rearranged my office early this morning, had made endless cups of coffee and then we went off for lunch as I forgot to go and get it :).

At the weekend I went up to Hyde Park to volunteer and part of me was worried what to say after not being there for so long and whether I would fail at the task given. I didn’t and in the end I got talking to new runners who weren’t sure how park run went and got thanked later, saying they were so nervous but found everyone including me very friendly and helpful. I realised halfway through token giving that it wasn’t about me at all, it was about the event and making it possible for others do what they needed. Same with book club and world book night.

In a months time it will be 5 years of living alone and being single (on and off). It’s been in the back of mind for ages and wondering what would happen and whether I could face another year. I can and I don’t need to worry. I am in such a better place than last year and the year I moved in. Granted, I still have a lot of work to do, and yes some people find it too long to be single, but it suits me. At this moment, as much as I wanted to get married from a young age, I’ve come to the conclusion it’s not a necessity anymore, it was always about the dress and the party and I can do that anytime. I realise that now. Plus I need this time to grow. Really grow, I feel I’ve been missing for a long time and life is so busy and there’s so much I want to do that I need Hermione Granger’s  time turner.

To start the process I had a haircut. For someone who is not keen on change I decided that my hair was the one thing weighing me down and causing an issue. Nearly always in a pony tale at work, rarely does it last long being down, I decided there was no point just getting a trim. I told no one incase it couldn’t be done or I decided not to do it. But I did and I love it. It’s almost made me invisible (just like when I was young) and the amount of questions about why, and comments of ‘that’s a bit drastic!’ has been phenomenal. My sister thought I had gone on an app and sent a picture but no, I had a hair cut, that’s all.

The next stage will be to clear as much clutter from my life and continue working on my CBT so by 2016 all will have changed again and for the better. I’ve already put the picture frames back up after taking them down last year so if I can do that I can do anything. And I know I can ask for help if I need it.

I did not know its history until now but we used to sing this at junior school as part of our hymns …“>

Thank you for reading


Write it. Don’t send it.

If you’re lost and alone
Or you’re sinking like a stone.
Carry on.
May your past be the sound
Of your feet upon the ground.
Carry on.

Next month, will be my 5 year anniversary of living alone. Just little old me, looking after a house. Rattling around in a big house. I think my subconscious is trying to warn me, even though I feel better about it then I have ever done. I feel like I’ve woken up and I’ve got to clean the mess up after the battle was lost or won. I think I’ve won mine, I just have a lot of work left to do.

Someone said it’s not too late to start over. I’ve lost count how many times I’ve tried to start over. Tried to move house. Try to leave Leeds and go back up north.  But Leeds seems to have a hold on me and here I am.

In recent weeks I’ve been looking in to different parts of how I am feeling, and trying to work out why I am tired all the time, even though I seem to get enough sleep. I’ve started to change my diet. I eat less chocolate and sweets. I have tried to up my intake of water, I even started doing some exercise, but may have gone a bit overboard and not realised how much weight I have gained in the last 18 months. My mind telling me I am still as fit and my body shouting ‘hang on there!!!! slow down, I can’t take it!’

No nothing is as bad as it seems

and now it’s time to go back to working on my thoughts again, on how I process things, I’ve started meditating, I’ve also tried writing stuff down. Sometimes i avoid this as I don’t want to see what I’ve written. I have some action boards to do to work out what i want and how to gain it. I just need to put it all together.

Then there’s the idea of writing a letter but not sending it. I thought there would only be three. After I started writing the envelopes I ended up with 8. Four i can’t send, as three are no longer with us (one is for my dog, sounds silly I know) and another I haven’t seen in 10 years and is now a teenager. Boy do I hold a lot of baggage.

So from now until the end of the year, this is my focus. Work is busy, Life is busy and I need to find a way to cope with it. So a bit of CBT, a bit of housework (cleaning helps) a bit of exercise, and a bit of writing in the journal should see a way to clear up the remains of the battle. I just need to keep telling myself ………

…..It’s good to be me.

Thank you for reading


If only I could live in a world of book club and coffee I’d be reet

Originally posted on Hello from me to you:

*warning rant ahead maybe swearing I’m sorry*

Hello. I’ve finally managed to park my bum on the sofa for an afternoon of doing nothing. Last week was very stressful trying to finish off a workbook at work which made me feel like I was back at school. I never liked school. Tell a lie I liked some of it. Like in PE in when I did the move in gymnastics which the posh kids couldn’t do. I loved the books we read and the large library we had. I loved Art and history and design technology. in my last year because we were taught English by the school headmaster I loved that to. He helped me so much when I struggled.

This workbook was torture for me. I took the manual home and could not work out what was what. I sat in two meetings with the boss which ended…

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‘I have loved you for a thousand years’

hello from me to you:

a year ago today

Originally posted on Hello from me to you:

Well what a way to end a week. completely exhausted due to work and varied shifts. Not complaining though as it does give me a bit of freedom if I can organise myself better. Gave myself a telling off and went to a friend’s party, which was bloody amazing. And got £15 unpaid redundancy money from 6 years ago. So I’m quite thankful this week

Today I’m at a friend’s house looking after his dog while He’s away and loving the fact there is a big kitchen, a garden and a very light airy living room. I’ve been out with the dog twice and have loved being out in the open space. Who’d have thought there would be so much green area in a large city. I feel like i’m noticing things more.

I’ve also eaten a load of chocolate mini rolls, think the hormones have kicked in today, and about…

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self talk

A bit of a garbled piece tonight so bear with me. When we talk to ourselves it can be good or can be disastrous. This morning I was ready to stay in bed. I felt so drained. Yesterday I was constantly sneezing, my voice was croaky and I was running a temperature. My body telling me to slow down and stop. So I did. But today I had no energy what so ever, yet after a bit of self talk, I got up, got to work, and after a few hours, plenty if water and a coffee, I started to feel better. I ended the day feeling proud of myself.

How easily I could have given up though. All signs of the lurgy appear to have disappeared, I just feel drained, but because I’m not my bubbly self, and have my ‘sad/fed-up’ face on, there’s something wrong, when the only thing is wrong is I lack energy, and it feels like such an effort to do anything.


On another note, I was asked today why I take things so seriously, why I take them to heart, I really don’t know, I have done as far back as I remember. One of them could be this, after looking on the inter-web for clues, it could be down to how my Father treated me, for example, how he wouldn’t talk to me for 18months (I can’t remember it being this long) after I didn’t say morning to him one day, or because I didn’t ask if he wanted a cup of tea, and how I became very wary of others. And yes, it still affects me now. It’s crazy.

Low self esteem can be a result of negative life experiences, particularly when we’re young and most vulnerable. These experiences may include being criticised or judged negatively, such as from a parent or school bullies. As adults, abusive relationships and very stressful life events can also cause low self esteem.’



‘Our keen ability to read others and decipher communication comes at a cost. Some of us have never learned how to trust.’

‘You are afraid of contact with others as you imagine that they are constantly judging you and that their probing looks will obviously find your faults. So, you try to remain the most transparent and discreet possible’


at school:

‘Maybe you were brought up in an atmosphere of ‘You’ll never make the grade’ as a child. Also I was never good enough for my Dad, not in my brother’s shadow, but apparently I was too stubborn and independent, even at 10 years old????’


Something I need to learn …. along with ‘learning to rely on yourself’

‘If you think that by saying no or thinking differently from others that you will no longer be loved, it just isn’t so. Others will learn to respect you because you respect yourself.’

So after deciding to put food shopping off for a couple of days and manage with what’s in the cupboard, I’ve been searching my favourite website for answers and I think I found some. So while I work through some of these and catch up on reading for book club, please bear with me as I work through this.

Thank you for reading


Tips for a Depressed Introvert

Originally posted on A Feather of Truth:

There is probably something terribly ironic about writing about depression while depressed. Maybe not, maybe it just makes sense because it’s just what I’m thinking about right now.

While to trying to find some answers for myself, I read a blog with 21 Tips to Keep Your Shit Together When You’re Depressed. I’ve got a few things to add that I think are probably useful for other introverts. (Not that we’re super special, just that different people need different techniques, and I think for an introvert, having her internal world shrouded in darkness is especially difficult to overcome.) These ideas/thoughts/tips are what get me through the day when I am at my worst.

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It’s the little things that count

If you don’t know by now, I have been dealing with depression, in a recent post I realised that it must have been going on for a lot longer than i thought, it’s only in the past two years I have had the strength to deal with it. Even more so now.

Realising that in 4 years and 4 months I will be 40. Yes me 40 years old. ugh. and the funniest thing is it’s only now that I’m starting to feel alive, like I’ve just began waking up to who i am and what I can do. And yes i sound like a parrot, as I keep repeating myself. But it’s been a roller coaster and one that seems to forgot to stop or slow down until now.

Yesterday I went to the doctors for my quarterly review. There are now stricter rules for certain if not all antidepressants, the amount on the prescription has been changed followed with quarterly check ups. Yesterday I dreaded this one, I was going to the doctor who helped me out in the beginning and then I decided at one point to come off them thinking I was strong and ready, and I wasn’t, I felt like I had failed. I had to await a consultation to go back to original dose and a different doctor rang up and I explained the issue and his reply, it’s ok we all need a little help from time to time, it’s good that you spotted the signs and since then it’s been amazing. I was expecting this type of support.

Yesterday was the same. I said that I didn’t want anything to change until the new year, as it was leading to our busiest time at work, and i have a lot to deal with at the moment. His response was amazing, saying that with the weather and nights drawing in, it would be best to keep stable, I loved that term, i started laughing, as I do think I am going for a sanity check each time. Listen to me, i sound like a right crack pot. I promise I’m not, I just have a fun way of thinking and don’t always feel on top form and I’m working on it, constantly. Simply because as my middle name states, I am a warrior and like my Mum told me yesterday, I am strong and have always fought to get where I am today. I can’t believe I nearly gave it all up and went into a boring job.

Thank you for reading