Get on up When you’re down, baby,
Take a good look around.
I know it’s not much, But it’s okay.
We’ll Keep on movin’ on anyway
-Keep on movin’ -Five
2015 was an interesting year. It turns out that I wasn’t going crazy like I first thought. Turns out I have a vitamin D deficiency i.e. lack of sunlight. That topped with what felt like on/off depression and stress in a busy time of work had made me react/feel un-human/zombie is the only way I can describe it, not normal. After someone mentioned it after my memory did get worse, I went to the Doctor and had a blood test. Turns out he was testing for all sorts of things and thank fully I’m not diabetic or any other serious condition, I just don’t get enough sun. I now have a 3 month course of vitamin d supplements to take. Whether its the Christmas rush being over and things getting back to ‘normal’ I do feel a lot better. I feel human again and the best bit is I’m able to sit and read and take it in. so far I’ve read 3 books this year and one in a day!!! That’s not like me. I’m already a slow reader and have not been able to concentrate for ages but I found on Sunday when reading a book about jobs I flew through it and loved it and wanted to read more.
‘But when the night is falling
You cannot find the light, light
You feel your dreams are dying
……. This whole damn world can fall apart
You’ll be OK, follow your heart
You’re in harm’s way, I’m right behind
Now say you’re mine
….You’ve got the music in you
Don’t let go.’
Have you ever sat in a cafe or been in a shopping centre or somewhere and a song comes on and reminds you of a loved one? That happened to me today whilst I was sat in Krispy Kreme sorting out my diary and eating donuts. The song above came on, and it’s one a dear friend loved when it came out. Her name was Carly and It made me think/believe everything was OK, that I was doing the right thing, that she was telling me everything was OK. So I said thank you.
The past 6 weeks has been a lot to do with music. On Christmas Eve as I was driving up north a variety of songs came on, a couple which were Queen. I think music helps a lot when you are feeling low, especially stuff you grew up with or just your own selcetion of feel good music. I do believe sometimes songs will randomly come on at the right time as if to say, stop listen to me, like someone sending a message. It was funny to have Queen blast out from the stereo with the below lyrics.
Don’t stop me now
I’m having such a good time
I’m having a ball
Don’t stop me now
If you wanna have a good time
Just give me a call
Another thing that came out of 2015 was positive thinking/self-talk. I’m all about self improvement and I’m trying to absorb as many new ideas and techniques as possible. One book I read (see pic) had some amazing techniques, some telling you to ‘stop the chatter’ in your head. You know them silly thoughts you get. It also touched on colour visulation, putting someone in a pink bubble, only problem is, I’m an arty/visual/creative person and can’t visulaise colours. it’s just all black, how bizarre!!!
Let it slide, let your troubles fall behind you
Let it shine until you feel it all around you
And I don’t mind if it’s me you need to turn to
We’ll get by, it’s the heart that really matters in the end
Rob Thomas – Little Wonders
I don’t know if I ever said it but my middle name is Louise, and when I was younger I preferred it to Helen but never said anything. I thought it was such a boring name, it couldn’t be shortened or have a nickname. I also found out my Dad chose it instead of Ellen and it that made it worse, as my relationship with him has never been an easy one, but I love both names. My middle name feels like its hidden.
I love the meaning behind names and Helen means: ‘The name Helen is a Greek baby name. In Greek the meaning of the name Helen is: Shining light. The bright one. Helen of Troy, whose elopement with Paris sparked the Trojan War, was the daughter of Zeus and wife of Menelaus, King of Sparta.’
and Lousie means ‘French Meaning: The name Louise is a French baby name. In French the meaning of the name Louise is: Famous warrior. Renowned fighter’
So I’m sort of a bright warrior with hidden strength which I don’t realise I have, or that’s my interpretation anyway. Recently I’ve been more focused on the meaning warrior and would love to have it as a tattoo or at least mark it in some way.
I’ve been reading about self care, some of it is my own research, some from which my close friend Kirsty has passed on. Mainly about looking after yourself, how to be more self-confidant, to treat yourself how you treat others and learning to be alone. Now after living alone for five years you would think I had got this down to a tee, but with everything going on and my negative way of thinking and trying to change all that (still a work in progress but doing well) It’s not exactly been easy. I said something today that actually made me smile, I feel like last year I finally ‘woke-up’. That I’m actually living and knowing whats going on around me. I keep getting asked about my ‘love life’ My answer now is, ‘it’s great, myself and I are starting to get to know each other a lot better thanks’ and of course someone will remark I need a significant other half, but I can’t be with someone until I’m happy with myself and strong enough to cope with someone else’s emotions/wants/needs etc.
I read that you should right a memory or moment or something that happened during the day was good and pop in the jar and at the end of the year look at it, I started this last year and forgot all about it. There’s also the ‘treat jar’ by putting spare change in the jar at the end of the day/week and what’s ever in there at the end of the month it’s yours to spend on whatever you want. Or to treat yourself to something or do something once a month, I felt the need to go to IKEA today, I didn’t need anything but felt the need to take myself out for the afternoon and yes, I bout candles and notebooks, which I did want to get but did not need. I just love IKEA. Although I have to wait a few months for my next fix. I ended the day by refuelling in Krispy Kreme’s
2015 was all about setting goals. I did a vision board of what I wanted to achieve and looked at self improvement books. I think I may have got distracted by general tasks of daily life and completely forgot about it.
So for 2016 this is what I intend to do and also build on them or create new ones as time allows;
- Read for an hour a day
- One blog a week
- Ring Mum more often
- Treat yourself once a month (take yourself out on day trips etc)
- Start running again
- Do the York 10k
- Save money (budgeting was the worst thing last year)
- Cook more
- Do a course and learn something new
- Self improvement/confidence course
- Take a holiday (not family related, sorry guys)
- Declutter the house
- Add more colour to the house (new today!)
In the meantime I’m going to do the following;
‘Do one thing every day that scares you’ Eleanor Roosevelt
I read somewhere that you should do the above, and some modern versions are great;
Disconnect from your gadgets (Less social media, no phones, no email)
Strike up a conversation with a stranger (Ones I find very hard to do, as for talking to strangers its the funny look you get as if someone is thinking ‘why are you talking to me, how dare you etc etc’)
Ask for help
Ones I find very hard to do, as for talking to strangers its the funny look you get as if someone is thinking ‘why are you talking to me, how dare you etc etc’
‘Let me be your hero’ – ENRIQUE
Something I’ve been thinking a lot about lately after learning about the vitamin D deficiency and the stressful time through Christmas, was actually how lucky I am. I have my health. I have a fully functioning healthy body. I have a fantastic Doctor, who doesn’t make me dread going and has given amazing support over the last year or so. Although I’m human, I am sometimes seen as strange to some, I may not have the skills, ways of working, ideas, knowledge like others but I work hard and I do the best I can in anything I do. I have fantastic support from my Mum, family and friends. I love my job, I feel lucky to have it to be able to pay my bills, have a roof over my head, (that is one thing a lot of people don’t have) food on the table, heat and running water. I realised more so after I had been to Mum’s and friends houses and seen what had been done to them and feeling mine was nothing special, then kicked myself after realising how much my ex who I lived with for 5 years kept saying ‘it’s only rented why do you want to decorate/add cushions etc’ and how now I have a house furnished by me, yes rented, but the things in the house are chosen by me, and actually makes me feel very lucky indeed. I may not have approached this time in my life the way I wanted, but what I have is just as good.
I am healthy, happy, and finally on the road to loving myself as a person. Only took 35 years to realise :D
“A semicolon is used when an author could’ve chosen to end their sentence, but chose not to. The author is you and the sentence is your life.”
What will yours be?
Thank you for reading the randomness of this post.