I’m a follower and don’t fit in

sheep01It’s the chinese year of the Monkey, the fire monkey I believe. I was always led to belive I was born in the year of the monkey, but sadly I fall under the goat/sheep. In fact I’m an earth sheep/goat born on a Tuesday in the early hours.

The Earth Goat/ Sheep –  traditional, autonomous, motivated by diligence, anxious and hopeful. 

In saying that, I have been thinking a lot about how, no matter what I try and do I still don’t fit in in most areas. I don’t fit in at work, I never fitted in at school, I hope I fit in at book club, and the small group of friends I’ve created. I think of myself as a follower but do my best to try to be a leader. I yearn to be a good leader, I just think past events and health/personal issues are getting in the way.

In the last few months I feel memory wise my brain has doubled in age and suffer really badly with a bad memory, so much so I see people using it against me, whether to make me look a fool or to be able to use it against me out of spite, I’m just not sure.

I’ve been taken Vitamin D for a month now, part of the memory problem as due to a lack of sunlight I need to take a supplement, yet in some situations I keep forgetting the evening tablet so have made myself a spreadsheet and can now keep track, I should really make to do lists again and to update the diary, and then at least I have a paper trail for my poor memory.

51vp347lW-L._SX330_BO1,204,203,200_Along with this I keep being asked about the being single issue. Whilst talking to my friend Kirsty about the radio shows we used to do, she reminded me of the book we read called how to love like a hot chick. In there you had to describe what you wanted/in a future spouse. We talked about what we needed, i.e. someone who would listen after a long working day, whether on the phone or at home, cook tea, make us a cuppa, enjoyed reading, or in my case let me waffle about a book even if they weren’t interested. Another of mine was just to hug me for absolutely no reason, drop me off a coffee if I was at work and say hello. For me it was silly little things, simply because I’ve lived on my own and about 80% of my day I can feel really lonely. All sounds silly I know and probably only exists in the movies, but after being alone for so long and noticing the barriers I’ve put up, even when meeting new people who now I realise are the most important people in my life, I just wonder if there is someone like that to enjoy the simple things and have a laugh and not get annoyed when I forget things and share the housework with.

So right now, I feel like I’m wandering in fog. I’ve started to get rid of the exhaustion I’ve felt for the last few months, I’m reading loads more than I ever used to, but ask me to recall what it was about and I’d have to get back to you on that. In other news I am pleased to know that I can retire in 26 years on minimum pension as long as things stay as they are. Fingers crossed then as I’m in need of a holiday :D.

Thank you for reading

xxx

 

 

36

  1. Yet again it’s the end of January and it seems to have flown by.
  2. My birthday has come and gone and soon to be forgotten.
  3.  And now it’s time to celebrate others :(
  4.  I’m finally feeling that I’m recovering from the rush of Christmas
  5. partly due to the mini break at Mum’s.
  6. I’ve read 10 books so far this year. I’ve finally got some reading mojo.
  7. I’m 4 years off 40. EEEKKKSSS!!!!
  8. I’ve realise i am in a relationship….with my house. it’s been the constant thing these last 5 years and I’ve finally realised I’ve fallen in love with it.
  9. I look at photos of me from last year and don’t recognise myself.
  10. I realise that after attempting pancakes this morning and the first one went horribly wrong that I can achieve things with a little patience (some times I have none!)
  11. Now that the stress from Christmas has gone and I’ve been a month on these Vitamin D tablets I’m starting to feel a sense of ‘normal’ again. Still hit and miss with the memory though but time will tell.
  12. I am lucky to have the friends and family and there support.
  13. I have a roof over my head and a good job
  14. I need to start exercising again.
  15. I need to save money.
  16. I need more clothes as I can’t fit in to any at the moment.
  17. It’s 3 months away from World Book Night
  18. I need to sort out a passport
  19. I’ve never been abroad so this should be fun
  20. I’m healthy – I don’t have any disabilities and I’m grateful for that.
  21. I was born not to fit in.
  22. The day I was born
  23. And Mum tells me early in the morning so I could fit all my meals in. No change there then.
  24. Perhaps that’s why I wake up so early?
  25. I had 11 hours sleep last night dream’t i drank a whole bottle of archers straight from the bottle and woke up with a headache
  26. I’m the eldest of one parent the middle of the other
  27. I think I should have been born 10 years earlier
  28. I’m stubborn, independent and sometimes scared of change but give me a little time and I’ll come round
  29. I sometimes get homesick for Spennymoor
  30. I really should go away more
  31. I really should learn to sit down and relax and not feel guilty
  32. I really should sort this house out and get rid of clutter
  33. but that’s for another day
  34. I forgot how much I love drawing
  35. I should do some everyday
  36. I’m grateful for the simple/little things in life.

Get your head straight

Life is funny. You plod along, think you’re fine, then someone tells you to get your head straight. I have been puzzled by this I had no idea what they meant. What I think it means is I have changed and I’m not doing things as well as I used to be. Or there’s too much to do and little time to do it and my brain is overloading and making me forget things and things are going wrong. Well that’s my theory anyway. Here’s the research I found:

Fix your attitude.

A positive attitude will give you the will to figure things out until your expertise and results match your aspiration.

You need to get your head on straight and think about your priorities.

Be positive, stay down to earth and make your own decisions. Make sure you have your head on straight and be confident.

Have your head (screwed) on straight –

The same as get your crap together. Basically means calm down, don’t panic, or focus. Usually said if you are normally good at something, but aren’t able to do it well because your mind is preoccupied with something else, or you’re just tired.

 

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Modern Mrs Darcy Reading Challenge 2016

Source: Modern Mrs Darcy Reading Challenge 2016

My list:

    a book published this year –  Time Travelling with a Hamster by Ross Welford

    a book you can finish in a day –  A room of one’s own Virginia Woolfe

   a book you’ve been meaning to read – Fried Green Tomatoes at the Whistle Stop Cafe – Fannie  Flagg

    a book recommended by a local librarian or bookseller –   H is for Hawk Helen Macdonald

    a book you should have read in school – Little Women by Louise May Alcott

    a book chosen by your spouse/partner/sibling/child or BFF -The Memory keepr’s daughter kim edwards

   a book published before you were born –Awakenings -Oliver sacks

    a book that was banned at some point –A Clockwork Orange by Anthony Burgess

    a book that was previously abandoned – As you wish –Cary Elwes

    a book you own but have never read – White Teeth by Zadie Smith

    a book that intimidates you – Crime and Punishment by Fyodor Dostoevsky

    a book you’ve already read at least once – The Art of racing in the rain Garth Stein

LBC White Swan – Change of Date – FEBRUARY

LeedsBookClub

Hi All,

 

Due to popular demand, we are changing the date of our February meet up. We are no longer getting together on Valentines Day – instead, the details are as follows!

 

LBC White Swan

Date:  Sunday 21st of February 2016
Time:  6:00pm
Address: Swan Street, Leeds

Discussing:

HOMER’S ODYSSEY

SIMON ARMITAGE

Originally commissioned for BBC Radio, Simon Armitage recasts Homer’s epic as a series of dramatic dialogues. His version bristles with the economy, wit and guile that we have come to expect from one of the most individual voices of his generation.

simon armitage

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PODCAST – Modern Mrs Darcy 2016 Reading Challenge

LeedsBookClub

modern mrs darcy reading challenge

This year, @BookElfLeeds and I decided to reignite our reading groove thaing by completing a reading challenge. We found this awesome list by Modern Mrs Darcy – and already we’re inspired!

Click below to hear us discuss the challenge and why we’re participating; our book choices; our continuing and lasting love of libraries; random thoughts on such vital issues as stickers on books and lots of other literary-related chatter!

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Modern Mrs Darcy 2016 Reading Challenge

  1. a book published this year
  2. a book you can finish in a day
  3. a book you’ve been meaning to read
  4. a book recommended by a local librarian or bookseller
  5. a book you should have read in school
  6. a book chosen by your spouse/partner/sibling/child or BFF
  7. a book published before you were born
  8. a book that was banned at some point
  9. a book that was previously abandoned
  10. a book you own but have never read
  11. a…

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Help

Help, I need somebody
Help, not just anybody
Help, you know I need someone
Help!

When I was younger, so much younger than today
I never needed anybody’s help in any way
But now these days are gone I’m not so self-assured
Now I find I’ve changed my mind and opened up the doors

Help me if you can, I’m feeling down
And I do appreciate you being ’round
Help me get my feet back on the ground
Won’t you please, please help me?

And now my life has changed in oh so many ways
My independence seems to vanish in the haze
But every now and then I feel so insecure
I know that I just need you like I’ve never done before

Help me if you can, I’m feeling down
And I do appreciate you being ’round
Help me get my feet back on the ground
Won’t you please, please help me?

When I was younger, so much younger than today
I never needed anybody’s help in any way
But now these days are gone I’m not so self-assured
Now I find I’ve changed my mind, I’ve opened up the doors

Help me if you can, I’m feeling down
And I do appreciate you being ’round
Help me get my feet back on the ground
Won’t you please, please help me?
Help me, help me, ooo

-Beatles
I think I have a touch of PMT or my depression has hit a low today. I slept too long, I know that much, then I couldn’t get out of bed for a good hour. I got to work with a coffee in my new cup-flask and that’s when it went down hill. I started to open up and noticed the bin was full. As I moved it away there was a pool of cola and a plug sat in it. Awesome. I cleared that all away, got a new bin as the old was had a crack in it. I then went to start the printer up and after 10 mins it wouldn’t play ball, I went to have a drink of my coffee and found it  had gone cold, and that’s when I got slightly stressed out and found myself crying. I kept trying to pull myself together and then just decided the best thing to do was just turn the printer off and try sort out the rest of the jobs.
The day didn’t get any better regarding technology but I did get two free coffees given in the end and I made it through the day with just a scratch on my arm (caught it on something I think) and everything still in working order. The fact that I allowed little things to trigger off something big, even though it wasn’t got me more upset and even a pack of munchies (ny favourite chocolate) couldn’t make me feel better. All I could do was try my best to get some order in place and breathe.
So if you have a really crappy day, don’t be like me and be hard on yourself. Let it pass. After all. we’re only human.

So what are you waiting for?

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Enjoy the simple things…
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and remember…
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Thank you for reading
xxx

Feeling lucky -random thoughts

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Get on up When you’re down, baby,
Take a good look around.
I know it’s not much, But it’s okay.
We’ll Keep on movin’ on anyway

-Keep on movin’ -Five

2015 was an interesting year. It turns out that I wasn’t going crazy like I first thought. Turns out I have a vitamin D deficiency i.e. lack of sunlight. That topped with what felt like on/off depression and stress in a busy time of work had made me react/feel un-human/zombie is the only way I can describe it, not normal. After someone mentioned it after my memory did get worse, I went to the Doctor and had a blood test. Turns out he was testing for all sorts of things and thank fully I’m not diabetic or any other serious condition, I just don’t get enough sun. I now have a 3 month course of vitamin d supplements to take. Whether its the Christmas rush being over and things getting back to ‘normal’ I do feel a lot better. I feel human again and the best bit is I’m able to sit and read and take it in. so far I’ve read 3 books this year and one in a day!!! That’s not like me. I’m already a slow reader and have not been able to concentrate for ages but I found on Sunday when reading a book about jobs I flew through it and loved it and wanted to read more.

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‘But when the night is falling
You cannot find the light, light
You feel your dreams are dying
Hold tight…….

……. This whole damn world can fall apart
You’ll be OK, follow your heart
You’re in harm’s way, I’m right behind
Now say you’re mine

….You’ve got the music in you
Don’t let go.’

-New Radicals

Have you ever sat in a cafe or been in a shopping centre or somewhere and a song comes on and reminds you of a loved one? That happened to me today whilst I was sat in Krispy Kreme sorting out my diary and eating donuts. The song above came on, and it’s one a dear friend loved when it came out. Her name was Carly and  It made me think/believe everything was OK, that I was doing the right thing, that she was telling me everything was OK. So I said thank you.

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The past 6 weeks has been a lot to do with music. On Christmas Eve as I was driving up north a variety of songs came on, a couple which were Queen. I think music helps a lot when you are feeling low, especially stuff you grew up with or just your own selcetion of feel good music. I do believe sometimes songs will randomly come on at the right time as if to say, stop listen to me, like someone sending a message. It was funny to have Queen blast out from the stereo with the below lyrics.

Don’t stop me now
I’m having such a good time
I’m having a ball
Don’t stop me now
If you wanna have a good time
Just give me a call

-Queen

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indexAnother thing that came out of 2015 was positive thinking/self-talk. I’m all about self improvement and I’m trying to absorb as many new ideas and techniques as possible. One book I read (see pic) had some amazing techniques, some telling you to ‘stop the chatter’ in your head. You know them silly thoughts you get. It also touched on colour visulation, putting someone in a pink bubble, only problem is, I’m an arty/visual/creative person and can’t visulaise colours. it’s just all black, how bizarre!!!

Let it slide, let your troubles fall behind you
Let it shine until you feel it all around you
And I don’t mind if it’s me you need to turn to
We’ll get by, it’s the heart that really matters in the end

Rob Thomas – Little Wonders 

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I don’t know if I ever said it but my middle name is Louise, and when I was younger I preferred it to Helen but never said anything. I thought it was such a boring name, it couldn’t be shortened or have a nickname. I also found out my Dad chose it instead of Ellen and it that made it worse, as my relationship with him has never been an easy one, but I love both names. My middle name feels like its hidden.

I love the meaning behind names and Helen means: ‘The name Helen is a Greek baby name. In Greek the meaning of the name Helen is: Shining light. The bright one. Helen of Troy, whose elopement with Paris sparked the Trojan War, was the daughter of Zeus and wife of Menelaus, King of Sparta.’

and Lousie means ‘French Meaning: The name Louise is a French baby name. In French the meaning of the name Louise is: Famous warrior. Renowned fighter’

So I’m sort of a bright warrior with hidden strength which I don’t realise I have, or that’s my interpretation anyway. Recently I’ve been more focused on the meaning warrior and would love to have it as a tattoo or at least mark it in some way.

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I’ve been reading about self care, some of it is my own research, some from which my close friend Kirsty has passed on. Mainly about looking after yourself, how to be more self-confidant, to treat yourself how you treat others and learning to be alone. Now after living alone for five years you would think I had got this down to a tee, but with everything going on and my negative way of thinking and trying to change all that (still a work in progress but doing well) It’s not exactly been easy. I said something today that actually made me smile, I feel like last year I finally ‘woke-up’. That I’m actually living and knowing whats going on around me. I keep getting asked about my ‘love life’ My answer now is, ‘it’s great, myself and I are starting to get to know each other a lot better thanks’ and of course someone will remark I need a significant other half, but I can’t be with someone until I’m happy with myself and strong enough to cope with someone else’s emotions/wants/needs etc.

I read that you should right a memory or moment or something that happened during the day was good and pop in the jar and at the end of the year look at it, I started this last year and forgot all about it. There’s also the ‘treat jar’ by putting spare change in the jar at the end of the day/week and what’s ever in there at the end of the month it’s yours to spend on whatever you want. Or to treat yourself to something or do something once a month, I felt the need to go to IKEA today, I didn’t need anything but felt the need to take myself out for the afternoon and yes, I bout candles and notebooks, which I did want to get but did not need. I just love IKEA. Although I have to wait a few months for my next fix. I ended the day by refuelling in Krispy Kreme’s

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goals

2015 was all about setting goals. I did a vision board of what I wanted to achieve and looked at self improvement books. I think I may have got distracted by general tasks of daily life and completely forgot about it.

So for 2016 this is what I intend to do and also build on them or create new ones as time allows;

  • Read for an hour a day
  • One blog a week
  • Ring Mum more often
  • Treat yourself once a month (take yourself out on day trips etc)
  • Start running again
  • Do the York 10k
  • Save money (budgeting was the worst thing last year)
  • Cook more
  • Do a course and learn something new
  • Self improvement/confidence course
  • Take a holiday (not family related, sorry guys)
  • Declutter the house
  • Add more colour to the house (new today!)

In the meantime I’m going to do the following;

Do one thing every day that scares you’ Eleanor Roosevelt

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I read somewhere that you should do the above, and some modern versions are great;

Disconnect from your gadgets (Less social media, no phones, no email)

Strike up a conversation with a stranger (Ones I find very hard to do, as for talking to strangers its the funny look you get as if someone is thinking ‘why are you talking to me, how dare you etc etc’)

Ask for help

Ones I find very hard to do, as for talking to strangers its the funny look you get as if someone is thinking ‘why are you talking to me, how dare you etc etc’

………………………………………….

‘Let me be your hero’ – ENRIQUE

Something I’ve been thinking a lot about lately after learning about the vitamin D deficiency and the stressful time through Christmas, was actually how lucky I am. I have my health. I have a fully functioning healthy body. I have a fantastic Doctor, who doesn’t make me dread going and has given amazing support over the last year or so. Although I’m human, I am sometimes seen as strange to some,  I may not have the skills, ways of working, ideas, knowledge like others but I work hard and I do the best I can in anything I do. I have fantastic support from my Mum, family and friends. I love my job, I feel lucky to have it to be able to pay my bills, have a roof over my head, (that is one thing a lot of people don’t have) food on the table, heat and running water. I realised more so after I had been to Mum’s and friends houses and seen what had been done to them and feeling mine was nothing special, then kicked myself after realising how much my ex who I lived with for 5 years kept saying ‘it’s only rented why do you want to decorate/add cushions etc’ and how now I have a house furnished by me, yes rented, but the things in the house are chosen by me, and actually makes me feel very lucky indeed. I may not have approached this time in my life the way I wanted, but what I have is just as good.

I am healthy, happy, and finally on the road to loving myself as a person. Only took 35 years to realise :D

“A semicolon is used when an author could’ve chosen to end their sentence, but chose not to. The author is you and the sentence is your life.”

What will yours be?

Thank you for reading the randomness of this post.

xxxx